What do I have?

I found this site by accident (turned out to be a good thing, though). I've been skimming through the topics a little, checking a few things and trying to figure out what eating disorder I have but I'm still a little clueless, so I thought I'd ask you guys for help.

I'm 20 years old and I haven't felt beautiful or even acceptable for even one single day in my life. I have always been chubby and I never stopped hearing about it as a child. My relatives mocked me constantly ever since I can remember, commenting on my weight, on my looks, the way I talk and act... everything. Nothing was ever good enough for them. My parents didn't really follow their example, but they didn't stop the others from mocking me either. My father would say something now and then but he was shy and reserved, and mostly watched things from the sidelines, while as my mother simply knew or cared too little to get involved. My relatives gave me a nickname even, "Pig".

At school, my classmates mocked me for being chubby. There was this girl that was my classmate throughout comprehensive school (nine years here) and she was always mocking my clothes (because my family wasn't exactly rich, I had other people's "leftovers") and pretty much everything else about me. The little group of friends that she had joined her. No one really took it seriously because they didn't think it was bullying; no one was beating me up or anything.

Anyways, all this... left a really deep scar in my self-esteem. I grew up thinking that I'm nothing, especially appearance-wise. I was never pretty enough, popular enough, always a sort of... freak. When I was around 11 years old, I stopped eating. First it was because of a physical aspect; I've always been really allergic to everything and my school was in bad shape, it had water damage and the indoor air sucked. This resulted to my throat swelling, and thus complicated the whole process of eating. I lost 20 % of my weight in two months before the problem was fixed and I received medication. Only that... I was happy about having lost that weight. Everyone noticed it, admired it even, and I loved it. But then, after the physical problem got fixed, my eating got out of control. Not completely, but enough to make me gain weight again.

And then my father died. I was 13 and present when it happened "peacefully at home" as they described it, but it was horrible. I had to be the adult in the situation, and I had to act like one ever since at home because mom turned into a full-time zombie. At that time, I started binging and cutting. The latter I did for attention, while as binging I used as a way of... dealing with the loss, I guess. No one helped me thourgh it, and binging was the only way I could think of to bring me comfort. For a year or so, I also threw up (1-5 times a day) or exercised and when my friends later on reported my behaviour to the school nurse and she transferred me to a psychiatric clinic, they always talked about bulimia but never actually diagnosed it. I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder at the time and they completely ignored the eating-part.

Eventually, in the beginning of high school, I stopped throwing up and just... binged. I fought with my mother on a daily basis and we were both on the brink of insanity and we didn't get along AT ALL. Everything got worse and worse along with my self-harming, and eventually I was hospitalized for 3 months. They never really knew about my eating stuff because I didn't tell them and well, the hospital policies and staff sucked, so I could easily continue my habits there however I liked. Nothing changed during those months really, except I met a guy who completely screwed me over and left me even more damaged that I already was. That's when I REALLY started binging, especially as I returned to school only to notice that everyone was completely aware of my stay in a mental institution (the joys of being in high school AND living in a town with population of 5000) and they either mocked me or ignored me completely.

I made the decision to leave home and move to another town because of both the school situation and my relationship with mom that was, at the time, at its most horrible. I found an apartment, signed a lease and got accepted to another high school and I was almost convinced that I could beat whatever problems that came my way... until my best friend, who'd been battling self-harm and depression for years and was even hospitalized at the same time as me, committed suicide.

My world just... fell apart and everything has been beyond terrible ever since. I couldn't deal with a big loss like that only five years after losing my father. I've gained 25 kgs in two years. I don't throw up or exercise to lose the calories I've consumed, but I do fast. I can go a couple of days without eating almost anything at all and then I binge. It's even worse since I don't have to hide from anyone really, except when I buy food or when I'm out of money because of my binging periods - in both cases I come up with the most ridiculous of excuses, but everyone seems to believe them.

I'm still seeing a doctor regularly even though I'm not in therapy at the moment, but she didn't take me seriously when I told her about the problem.

I just want to know what I have. Is it some type of bulimia, or BED? Or some other type of eating disorder that I'm not familiar with? I want to know that I'm not just making this up or turning this into something bigger than it actually is. I need a name. Something to know that I'm not just the same lazy pig I've always been. I need to know that I'm actually sick and not just... doing this because I have no self-control, or whatever.

I feel so alone that it's unbearable. I have no one here. All my so-called fiends are happily living their lives, most of them live with someone and are already planning family, and they choose to ignore my existence. And I have no one to talk to about these things, no one to support me, no one to even NOTICE me. I'm taking classes at an evening school but even there I'm completely invisible. It's like I don't even exist.

I'm sorry about this EXTREMELY LONG post but I felt like I should describe my situation properly, phase by phase, for someone to come up even with the slightest of idea of what I might have. If someone actually read through this, I... I can't even express my gratitude.

Heya,

In answer to the main question posed by you: You do'nt seem to have any particular eating disorder. You started off having anorexia, but then it migrated to bulimia, and I noted a hint of binge-eating disorder there too. So, lets' just say that you have 'issues' with food that affect your relationship with it. This then affects your life in a truly negative way, leading to more problems as a result...

Like me, you seem to have used food as a comforting method, whether it be through starving, vommitting, or stuffing your face. I've done all three too, but now i've actually been 'free' for some time. What realy helped me move on was when I realised that I simply had o get on with my life, irrespective of whether the eating disorders were still 'inside' me or not. So, I implore you to also get on with your life.

If your doctor doesn't accept what you're saying to her, then stand your ground and tell her to listen to what you're saying and accept that you aren't lying. She has seen many people over the years and might be placing you in one category without actually paying attention to what you're saying to her. You have to really let her know what your problems are and that you would like her help. Stand your ground.

Kevin

Hi there strawberry

I read your story... Wow.. You've had quite a life so far. I sincerely hope it will get better for you!! I actually had the same problem as you, I mean: the "shifting" eating disorder thing.. First anorexia, then bulemia, now... I don't know what I have...

But I think the most important thing for you is to recognize that you have a problem with eating. And I suppose you want other people to recognize that too. It is so unprofessional that your doctor doesn't listen to you or takes you seriously! But doctors are replaceable, if you can't really talk to this one, find one you càn talk to. It is really important.

Maybe you can find someone who specialises in eating disorders? It might help you, if she/he recognizes that you have an ED...?

Most of all I hope you will get better!

Hug,
BirdGerhl