here I go again.

Like many of us, I never had to worry about my weight in my 20-30's, my mother had bulimia.

I was put on xanax, and zyprexa, and my weight skyrocketed, I also developed agoraphobia, and didnt leave m y house for almost 5 years with my husband.

I got up to 205 and was dx'd with prediabetes.

Last summer I got down to a size 6. I was so proud. Though much of it was due to stress. After the stress was over, I fell to food to calm me, I loved myself with it. I am also bpd (borderline pd.). This is a common fallback for us.

I find my self eating out of bordom, because I get lonely, because I need love, to feel like a good wife I fix a big meal for my husband, I'm up more , so I have more hours to eat. I try to keep the cabinets empty to not binge, but then I eat out at fast food places and never get full but consume more calories. It's too hot to walk here, 104* and the meds I am on, I can't over heat. It's a catch 22.

My closet is full of size 6-10's now, and nothing fits me, it's so depressing. What happened to me??? I hate myself.

My uncle even laughed at me yesterday about 'MY big butt". and how cute I used to be. I'm back up to size 16, and want to take it off, but nothing is working. I feel deprived after last year. And with the diabetes, I can't eat anything but rabbit food. I can't live that way, and I can't live this way. I'll die.

I was taking a miracle drink called fat solutions, but they no longer make it, along with cidermax, and alot of water, and no carbs or sugar due to the diabetes 2. I was so happy. I could dress stylish. I felt sexy and alive again. Now I feel like a balloon, and can't breath most of the time.

Any suggestions, would make me cry just to know someone cares.

ddee

Heya,

How have things been going for you now? I would like to put forward an idea to you. the idea is that you simple change something in your life. Change jobs...Go on a holiday by yourself or with a friend...Do something that is different and fresh. Try to awaken your brain from the pain it has suffered recently.


*hug*

What do you think of that?

Thank you so much for you kind words and for taking the time to respond.... I will try to take your advice, I'm at the time fighting agoraphobia, but wish sooo badly to get away.

I may just try harder, panic attack or no.

take good care, by the way, I'm alot better, and have started Pilates, and downed my xanax, to up my metabolism.

Wish me luck, I see you are from Ireland, maybe that will help too.

ddee

I saw hope there....A switch inside you has just been switched on and things are in motion. It's all coming out...


Take a breath....A deep one. Can you taste that air? That's new life! You're getting better. Something good inside you wants to get out! Shake off those cobwebs of pain and jump and run and dance and sing....and smile, for me.




Everything that happened before in your life has passed. You are allowed to look back and learn from it all if you wish. You could also just ignore it all as it has passed. It's all gone. Do some shopping - Get something nice for yourself.


If I was there right now I would wrap my arms around you and hug you so tight......You deserve it, after all.

Hope is my middle name, but used it to name a forum here, so I can't use it as my ID name.

Everyday is getting better, today, I may go fishing.

Are you in Ireland now? What a beautiful place. I wouldn't have agoraphobia there, I'd ride the hills on my bike, and dance in the rain.

Your words are very lovely and inspirational, as well as relaxing.

I always take good advice.

ddee( Hope ), 8

Heya,

This is wonderful - I'm so happy to be reading what you write now. It just oozes confidence and it's rubbing off on me. You're helping others aswell as yourself. You're great!


Oh indeed I AM in Ireland at the moment. I was born and raised here... ...and I have been over the hills on my bicycle many times. There's just too much countryside here (HaHa) but it's rapidly being carved up by roadways.


Where is/are the Ozarks?

Hi ya back, Chucky,

Thanks for writing me.... The Ozarks are in the southwestern part of the state of Missouri in the US. It also includes, but I don't live there.... Nw Arkansas, NE Oklahoma, and eastern Kansas. This is where the Beverly hillbillies(60's sitcom) came from, but it is huge here now, I live very close to Branson, Mo.

So I know whatcha mean about the roads, our beautiful hills are being swallowed by them, everywhere.

I was born in Springfield Mo. USA.

anyhoo, you are more than welcomed, you deserve a huge hug and a cudo for your inspiration and kindness. ( CUDO )

It's been raining here alot today, so I've been in alot , for no other reason today other than it's nasty out. I'll try again tomorrow, but it's supposed to do this all week, that isn't good, as I relapse. Have a great night, and GodBless,
ddee