Possibly just a small matter...

... and attached to a very long, very winding background.

Surely, compaired to others my "problem" is almost laughable, but if I learned one thing in years of counseling: I myself define if I have a serious issue or not, not others.


My current situation is this:
I'm 26 years old. German, just recently moved to Paris with my boyfriend for my job. I don't speak french, and just started to learn from courses my employer offers non-french employees.

I find myself at an uncomfortable weight, which seems to still slowly, steadily climb. Ever since I entered puperty I started to have a heavy build, but at 74kg per 171cm I felt fine and okay with myself.
I am now at 92kg as of this morning's scale.

My main "problem" seems to be, that I SEE where it's headed and I cannot seem to put an end to it, no matter what I try.. and I fear it's because I don't actually WANT to put an end to it.


Now I come from a rather ugly background. I could shuffle over and post on the depression forums: I lost my mom to suicide when I was 11; never coped with her death OR faced it till I was about 14-15; took my first counseling between age 17-20; took a break due to move / starting my studies... collapsed a year later and barely escaped a clinic; back into seeing a counselor on a weekly basis till my buildup became so strong I was hospitalized for 4 months the first time at age 22.

At that time was the first time I noticed changes on how I ate.
I was VERY tight on money in that time, which the doc's said possibly was part of my breakdown. I had less then 3€ a week left to buy food... but I managed. It's still enough to buy yourself a package of rice, a package of noodles and if you were really careful with the money, you could throw in a bottle of ketchup every so often.
In short: At times I had one, perhaps two "meals" a day, often just cooked noodles or cooked rice.
I came to hospital... and suddenly not only was I cared for, I was also in a protected enviorment. i could sit down three times a day and help myself to food without calculating if I could afford my rent after this, or could keep enough money for a trip to see my boyfriend in france. (I have no contact with my family anymore whatsoever.)

After this, it was back to scourging for food. I was too proud to ask for help.. and too scared to let anyone notice. When friends suggested meeting up at a pub, I told them I didn't like the smoky air. (Which I actually do not.) When they wanted to meet at the cafeteria, I said I needed to meet someone for a project or extra-work on some class. (Which often was a flat-out lie.)

When I actually had more then jsut a few cents per day for food, i went out and bought myself the "expensive stuff", such as fresh fruit, meats, fish.
But most of the time I knew my money would have to cover much less... so I would buy tinned lentil stew and noodles. A pot of noodles to strech the stew and add a little teast came at 19cent. And a tin of stew for 79cent. This would feed me for two days. Week after week.


Today, I am in a totally different situation.

I used to scrape by with 140€ a month after taking out rent and such.
Today I earn between 14oo and 18oo€ a month, depending on my working hours. Even after taxes, rent, clothing etc, food has become not a matter I need to think about. I buy what I please when I go shopping and walk though the shopping malls thinking "What would you like to cook this week?"

But, and here lies the problem I think: I still eat as unrestrained when i get my hands on food, as if I still expect that tomorrow I'll be feeding myself on noodles and lentil stew again for weeks.
To illustrate: I curently work from 4pm to midnight. I got up the other day around 11am. Around 13oo / 1pm I started to feel hungry and thought I'd like to make myself an Omlette for Brunch.

Not I am not a very big person. The reasonable omlette for me would have been one egg, a slice of bacon and some cheese.
What I started to feed myself consited of three eggs, 6 slices of bacon and 3 hands' full of shredded cheese plus two and a half rolls.
I felt sick after stuffing myself half way through this... and even worse once I finished 2.5 rolls of bread and half that monster of an omlette.

I defenatly did not NEED to eat that much. But the monent I stood in the kitchen it was as if I thought "You're hungry. Better make sure it'll last a while".

One of the subjects I studied was home economics for crying out loud. :cry:
I KNOW how to do it better, even SEEING the ammunt of food I pile up I know it's bad for me, but I can`'t make mself stop.

Even worse: I keep bringing home snacks. We have, like most households, a corner in the kitchen where we store what we lazily call the "Yummies": Cookies, Chips, Chocolates.
... and so, after stuffing myself, I often help myself to THAt on top of it.

That I gain weight is no wonder to me.

That I cannot stop is more so.

Is there any way to get through to myself, that I will NOT starve? I know I won't, I'm no longer in the helpless situation I was in. But something inside me seems terrified of having food around and I won't eat it it seems.

And, heh, unlike with regular drugs, not keeoing stuff in the house seems such a poor option when we're talking about every-day stuff like food...


Appologies for any typos or spelling mistakes... it's 2am here :]

I am guessing that you could map out a cycle of events for your whole week. You get up at the same time generally, go to work, go home, sleep, get up...

...Plus you probably have designated times that you go to the supermarket at. Do you?


If you want to stop this 'bad' eating then youmust break the cycle. Your life needs to be refreshed. Let the cold icy air breath right on through your life. Take a deep breath for me now and break the chain.


You can do it!

*nods softly* However, there is a small notch.

I work in Customer support on the internet, and we provide a 24/7 service.

My shifts change, somtimeys after 4 weeks, sometimes after 2 months. The shifts are 8-16oo and 16oo till midnight.

I find it hard to establish a regular eating pattern with this, or I am just too clumsy to chisle one out. ... at least, I THOUGH that a regular eating patters was my key here. Not eating something hen i get home at 1am for example. Perhaps the change of sleeping patterns is also a part of it.

Stuff like "Don't go shopping when hungry" have already been a part of me for years, but I still fall for the lill traps such as "Should have something to nibble at home when we have guests". They are clearly excuses, but there they are.

... it may sound harsh. But do you think asking my husband to keep stuff that's generally "bad for balanced eating" (such as chocklates, chips..) under lock? I might feel like some child the parents forbid sweets, but I honestly might need a good swift kick up the ass with all this. Or would this only push my desier to break the rules?


How do you guys handle "munching urges"? Because I sure as hell do not NEED to eat the ammunts I do, and thinking of my stomach aches I get after stuffing myself for an hour I am actually not helping myself or my body...



Chucky: Breaking the circle:
Do you suggest I simply change the times or that I actually stop using set times for eating / getting up / shopping etc?

I meant changing the times that you do all of the things. But I only mean for you to change these times if they are all set at specific times day-in day out. Basically if you have a routine which is performed the same way every day then you must break it.

For example, every time you come home you might do exactly the same thing every day. Let's say go upstairs to change and then go downstairs to eat....Or maybe have a shower somewhere in between. Whatever the routine is just alter it. Get some freshness in there.


...Do it DIFFERENTLY...


I think you should involve your husband in this more. It is ok to feel $#%^ you know. You never have to hide your true feelings. Make people closest to you aware of what is happening to your life right now. Don't do it all alone. If you think locking the 'bad' food in a press will help then try it.


Munching urges can be solved by sipping water or herbal tea after a meal.

I'm here for you always.
My thoughts are directed for you to succeed...
You can win at life.

Thnak you for your support, Chucky :]

I'll take onboard what you've said.

And, indeed, i did talk to Jeff / Hubby.
We struk a few deals. Some might think them of a tad extreme, but I hope it'll help:

The snacks and candy (aka- The Jummies) are now under lock and key, almost literly. I told him I have the bad habbit of sniching something after work and asked him to keep the stuff in a small chamber beside the bedroom. (Why? The door is noisy. If I'd open it, he could hear.) Currently I come home after he sleeps... and I wouldn't risk waking him, just to stuff myself with a mars bar.

Also, i have asked him to help me portion my meals. I saw over and over that I willingly take too much on my plate, and eat it all up even if I am no longer hungry. He's now helping me by putting the food on my plate.

Am I hungry after i eat? Yes, honestly, a little. But I know that the portion i ate was enough and that I won't need more. (Jeff's very athletic and has a good build. What he eats, I should be more then happy with, or so I feel).

So far, so good.

And even of running the risk of boring people or tick off someone who has a more serious behaviour / eating issue: bear with me. I've just moved, i don't have very many good friends to share this issue with... so I guess I'll just stick it someplace where people can read about it... and maybe even give pointers.

Susanne this is wonderul news! You appear to be making progress. Do you feel this yourself?


If you are still hungry after eating a meal then try the water or herbal tea - Please, you must.


It will be odd to have your husband do certain things for you but you need it right now. It might even provide light humour for ye with the locked cupboard and him dishing out your food. Just don't look on yourself as an invalid because of what is happening to you.


You're so great! *hug* Over time your brain will become used to the new things that you are doing and it will become easier and easier...and easier again.


I'm really happy here! You're doing great...you ARE great

So sweet, thanks Chucky *hugs right back*

Lets see, how's it comming.

I have actually tried to control myself to "fill" my stomack up with water if I still feel hunger. I thought that if I don't allow my stomach to actually be less filled, it won't get used to having less food. There is a connection after it being a mascle after all.
Tea wouldn't be an issue, I love fennel tea ;]

The portioning had to be loosened a bit while i am at work, but even there I have a deal with hubby. We have a local chinese take-out. They sell their food by "grams".
I USED to take about 400grams of food... and now actively cut it down to half of that. Now it's useually 100gramms or rice or noodle and another 100 grams "main dish" (beef, fish, chicken....) And sometimes they even have fresh raw fish (not sushi, just the plain raw fish with rice and green horse radish... damned if I remember the name...) so then I take 8 pieces of that.

Else, I come home and find myself a small portioned meal he laft me in the kitchen. And sometimes a small treat, today it was a big piece of choclate.

The main idea here, at least for me, isn't a diet. That will need more devotion and sports, I know that.
But I have already stopped my constand weight gaining.

To me, THAT is awsome :D It feels good to know that even if I might have lost balance (I still take too much when i help myself :\ ) but it seems getting back on my feed concerning this won't turn out to be a year-long struggle.

Sorry for the delayed response - The automatic e-mail notification for a reply rarely works for me so I did not know that yuou had replied.

Again though, you appear to have found some confidence that was locked up in your brain for a long time. It was always there...You unleashed it! It's fighting for you and you are winning because of it.

If you want to you can e-mail me to let me know how things go in a few weeks or so. My thoughts and my hope are always with you - My life is with you too...

..I'm always here.

Take care

Susanne,
I wonder if you're focusing on the food in your current situation instead of the change in how you feel. Good things are happening for you, but you're still holding back. Are you feeling that maybe sometime soon this whole job/boyfriend thing is going to be taken away from you and then it's back to rice and noodles and nothing more?

I wonder if you're filling up and scared of scarcity. So much has happened to you. Gosh and that's just what you posted. Is this food thing like: I better get while the gettings good because my life has been so hard up until now, it probably will be hard again?

I think the suggestions you're getting here about dieting are good. However, I think that you're a totally powerful woman and the strength and power of unresolved negative emotions might just push you into a deep cycle of eating, depression. If you just look to diet tips, you'll probably fail and then feel really really bad about yourself.

What can you do to give to yourself, other than food? How can you take care of yourself in ways other than food? Do you have a savings account? Could you put money aside so you don't worry as much about scarcity? Even a few dollars/euros a week adds up. The times in my life when I felt best about my eating habits was when I had no credit debt and $1200 in the bank.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find other ways to celebrate/experience this positive period.

Congratulations on your improvement. It is good that things are going better for you. I just have one minor comment about this statement.

The reasonable omlette for me would have been one egg, a slice of bacon and some cheese.
What I started to feed myself consited of three eggs, 6 slices of bacon and 3 hands' full of shredded cheese plus two and a half rolls.
I felt sick after stuffing myself half way through this... and even worse once I finished 2.5 rolls of bread and half that monster of an omlette.

I wouldn't consider a three egg omlette, a few slices of bacon and some rolls to be a large breakfast. I don't think of myself as overeating- I don't eat after I am full- but that meal sounds small to me. When I have eggs, I usually eat 5 or 6 of them, with two biscuits and 1/4 pound of bacon. I am not over-weight, but that is just enough to satisfy me. I would still be starving after only half of a 3 egg omlette.