I want to disappear

Hi,

I feel low again. The merry-go-round of my moods is out of control. I have no reference points in my life, nobody to give me a hug, no respect for myself. I eat therefore I am. That's the only thing that defines me. I don't even hate myself. I just don't care anymore. Well... I do a bit but I can't see a way out of this. My life has got completely out of control and I can't handle it. I want to stay in bed and I want to cry but the tears won't come. Why is it happening? Why was I born at all? For all this misery? It's pathetic on the other side. There are people dying of hunger, people with real problems and here I am pitying myself. I wish I had no consciousness. I wish I was a tree or a bird. So simple. There are the moments when I would like to die and then the moments come when I am so scared of death. I am one big contradiction, just an error in mother's nature calculations. If I died it wouldn't make any difference to the world and it's so painful. How do I find the meaning in the whole meaninglessness of my existence? Yeah, maybe I'll eat something. I'll numb myself again. Well... finally tears are coming. So pathetic and so simple.

Hugs torn, you sound really low. Please see your Dr and explain how bad you are feeling they might be able to help you. You sound depressed. I am thinking of you, keep posting and you matter.

Cracked

I just want to let you know you are not alone. I struggle with the same feelings. I dont have answers on how to make it better. All I know is when I am at my lowest its helps to know someone understands my pain. I wish you lots of love!

Aw torn, I just want to give you a big hug <3. You are worth something, you do have good qualities,everyone does, and you definitely do matter to the world. Its just that you are surrounded by this haze of self-hatred at the moment and all you see is the negative stuff. We all love you here, see how people reply to your posts. it cuz we care .My heart goes out to you hunny because I know how you feel, but believe me there is a way out of this for everyone, no matter how impossible you think your case is. I agree with Cracked, please talk to your doctor about how you feel and maybe she will prescribe you some anti-depressants so you will feel a bit better.
Don't ever feel like you are alone, because even if you think that nobody around you in your own life cares about you,always remember that you have all of us on this, we all care about you, I care about you!
Life is full of possibilities and anything is possible,even recovery from all of this. Everyday is a new day, and another chance to try again, don't forget that. Its never too late to change.

Emer xxxxxxxxxx

Hi,

I've just finished another over-eating day which was sort of a binge in two acts. I wanted to do so many things and than I ust started eating. I don't understand it. It's like watching a movie - it's just happening. I've been waiting so long for something to happen in my life and change it, but it hasn't so I guess I need to change my life myself. The bad thing is that I don't know how to. I am planning and then slipping basically every day. I feel overwhelmed. I am basically wasting natural resources like air, space and food - well lots of food. Well... I guess I am going to die one day mid-binge which might be a solution. I feel poisoned with sugar - good or bad thing is that I will recover - you can die of sugar overdose, well at least not right away. Today I felt so bad after a binge that I even tried to vomit but I couldn't make myself. I feel I am going crazy - that's a thing I am afraid of. I am going to see my therapist next week. Tomorrow I need to go to work, but I am not sure if I care. I just don't feel capable of living this life. The fear of death and a tiny bit of hope keeps me alive. My parents wouldn't understand and they don't want to be bothered, my sister has her own problems and they all live far away. So here I am still but don't know how long I can last.

Dear Torn,

Hugs I am glad you are seeing your therapist. You really do sound depressed. Please consider going to see your Dr and telling them how you feel as they may be able to help you. There is a way out of this and you will find it. But you soundd like you need help getting there. Thinking of you and please keep posting.

Cracked

Hi

I what you to know you matter!!!! Reading your post's has helped me and many others. You have a gift to put in to words what so many of us are feeling. That is such a gift! The night I read your post I thanked god that I was not alone in how I felt. I wish I could give you a big hug! Please know people care. Just take one hr at a time. Let your slef feel good even if its just for an hr. Sending you lots of love!

Thanks for your presence and sympathy. I really appreciate it.