feeling out of control

I remember feeling like your describe. I peaked at 300 pounds after being a college wrestler. Give the gym a try. I lost over 100 pounds and was able to finish a number of 26 mile marathons, so it can be done. Do it one day at a time, one workout at a time. Pat yourself on the back for every good thing you do for yourself. Try for find ways of getting joy without having to stuff your face.
Good Luck,
James