Why do I binge?

Sometimes i come home from a hard day, i come in from a night out, i wake up from a restless sleep and i feel awful because i've been bingeing lately. Why?? ive been thinking about why i do this, what triggers it in my brain. Its not hunger - by all accounts i've usually eaten so much that i'm in pain. Its not any particular feeling of depression or anxiety as far as i know. I haven't been arguing with anyone, crying myself to sleep, doing extra exercise, starving myself....so why do i eat?

I think that its because after bingeing once, it feels like you've already spoiled everything, so whats your motivation to stop?? You've already ruined all your hard work so why not just keep eating right? I think thats the kind of mind set that drives people with BED (or else its just me....) It seems to me from reading everyone's posts that people with BED are perfectionists. Theyre not used to doing things halfway - its ALL or NOTHING. Practically every person on this forum seems to have tried 'starvation' at times, trying to be utterly perfect. But thats the problem....it means that if we ever slide away from being totally perfect - even just one little bite of food - it can totally blow our motivation about the window, we feel like we've failed, and we can't even see the point of trying. and the thing is, we won't ever be perfect. there will always be that second cookie, that nibble of piece of cake that wrecks our mindset...Thats the difference between normal people and people with eating disorders. Normal people can stray from their usual 'diet' without noticing any difference. people with BED overreact when it comes to a second serving or an unplanned snack. If i eat so much as a polo mint in between meals, i feel as if my entire day has gone down the drain. And THAT is when the bingeing starts. Since i've spoiled it, why don't i spoil it properly by stuffing myself so much i can hardly breathe?

I for one NEED to get out of this cycle. I need to have some sense knocked into me. I need to accept that my eating will never be perfect. I'll never be able to eat 3 tiny, perfect meals a day without straying once in a while. And i need to be realise that as long as i stay consiously in control of what im eating - whether i've eaten more than i intended to or not, whether my meals have been healthy or not - by BED won't be controlling me. And thats all i need to do to beat it.
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You are completely correct, and it's a very destructive cycle to be in. It's like one small bite of something can trigger that 'guilty feeling', such that we then go on a cascading binge of bad food. In my past, I might only have eaten a raisin but then I'd end-up eating tonnes of other stuff. The raisin made me feel guilty and hopeless because I didn't want to eat it, but couldn't control the urge TO eat it.

Ironically, how I manage it is by actually allowing myself to 'lose control' every now and then. I plan the episodes when I have the time, such that they don't creep-up on me at inopportune times.

Kevin

"Why do I binge?" This is a question that I have to ask myself.

When I was a junior high school student, I started getting fat under a lot of stress: family, school, etc... I binged. I had a very negative body image after I became 12 years old. It was really miserable because I as a young girl, was very interested in dating; but I did not have enough confidence to approach boys. I had a sexual desire, but I could not do anything to satisfy my sexual desire (talking to boys, going out with them etc...). As a result, I binged a lot. I binged and binged (meat, sweets etc...) I ashamed myself. I ashamed my body. This was the most important period for me to construct my identity, but I did not like myself and my body. This feeling still stays with me. I do not like me and I do not like my body. I am not fat now, but I still feel I am fat and I am not adequate to go out with boys.

Sunflower girl, you are a lot brighter then you may think. You have analyzed your problem and come up with a solution. With that mindset you will go far and you will beat this eventually. You're on the right track and it will take time, and more then likely you will slip up on the way, but as long as you don't dwell on your mistakes and pick yourself up and keep on trying, you will get what you want in the end. You should be proud of yourself girl xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Emer, it's so encouraging to hear words like that
the problem is practising what i preach! It's a lot easier understanding where the problem lies, but that still doesn't make it simple to solve! I've thought a lot about why i behave this way, and it was only really on finding this website and reading what other people had to say about it that i could see any kind of pattern. If so many people have a similar problem, there has to be a similar cause, right?
anyway, things have been pretty good for me over the last while. I guess we, as a group, all just need to accept that we'll never be perfect. I know that i will slip up along the way, and the difficulty is not losing heart each time that happens. How are things for you?
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SunflowerGirl, you mentioned a 'pattern', which is something I've long noticed in eating disorders. Do you have OCD traits?; any at all? I was diagnosed as having OCD, and I just cannot help but feel that the two are related somehow.

Good luck,
Kevin

When i said a pattern i wasn't actually referring to my own behaviour, but patterns connecting all the people using this forum - like binging at night, or following a very regimented diet. I've never noticed any OCD traits in myself, but obviously there are some things i would obsess about. It really wouldn't surprise me if the two are related since so many people suffering from eating disorders are such 'perfectionists' and try so hard to follow a strict, unwavering diet
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