What will make this stop

I eat,binge,gorge? so I can have that wonderful dreamless "food coma" sleep or drift just at the edge of it and let my mind wander to nice stuff rather than the usual of how much I hate myself and the choices I've made. I used to be althletic,outgoing and fun on the surface-it was made clear to me at an early age I really was just rotten-thanks mom,at least i wasn't disgusted by my own body-found pot to shut the noise in my head off and help with the worry-married a pot smoker-the only time there was anything "intimate" was when I pursued him, and then it was all about him so I started to eat AND smoke pot. Then I got all freaked out when a guy hit on me when I was still thin, I still remember how great that was to be noticed and how much I wanted to give in to that whole intense yet meaningless physical thing-that was 100# ago. I've gotten far enough to know I need to love myself and get out of this sicko relationship. its like the food is my only reliable friend but even more destructive than the druggie friends I used to have. What do I replace the food with? what do i look forward to at the end of another crappy day, how do I hold on for the next 13 mo until the last child is out of the house? I read about journaling-where so I do that so no one will find it?
Thanks btw- stopped the pot about 75# ago :-i miss it every day,but i won't go to jail for food.

That's pretty much it, isn't it? - i.e. some of us use food to take our minds away from other things that are depressing us in life. I've been bulimic for many years now, and even though I know what the fundamental problem in my life is, I cannot shake it off. So, I use my bulimia to stay in control and not to have to deal with the main issue. I won't delve into what that issue is here though, because this is your thread. What do you believe IS your main issue though?; and what sort of nonsense was your mother saying to you when you were younger?

Take stock of what you have achieved in life already and be proud of it. Some of us are not dealt good cards from the word go, and we must struggle through. However, these problems give us much wisdom (much more than people who have an easy path through life will ever get).

As I mentioned, I'm still bulimic but feel in control. I acepted bulimia into my life years ago, instead of fighting a losing battle. I called a truce, and mow I can get on with other things in my life while 'dragging' the bulimia with me. it's not ideal of course to just accept a problem into your life and not do anything about getting rid of it, but I was never going to win that battle.

Take care,
Kevin

That is a good question-what is the main thing I'm using the food for. I suppose if I can give it a name maybe I can get a better grip on it-what depresses me so much. As far as the mum thing- an older brother started molesting me when I was about 3. I told her as best a 3 y/o could and she told me to stay away from where he was. She told me if I told my dad he would know I was a dirty little girl. As I got older and figured out what was happening & could fight back I finally told her I was going to tell dad-I was about 10-she made him stop,but made it clear it was my doing because I hadn't done as she told me ie worn frilly dresses,had curley hair,painted nails,sewn,cooked,played the piano etc.. there was such chaos from the time dad left home for work in the morning until he got home outside was the only safe place to be and I think she hated me for escaping being some kind of prize dress up dolly for the community to see. All the athletic honors,degrees,professional achievements made no difference. She always had something to say about my weight, too much too little,my hair my clothes, my shoes etc..
I've spent my whole adult life trying to make sure everything and everyone I was responsible for were OK,nothing went wrong,no one got hurt,was unhappy etc.. I think i want to just be responsible for me and feel guilty/selfish/bad? for thinking that. I wish my husband would just go away and take care of himself.
I wonder what it would be like to just take care of myself?
Thanks for listening.

You're painting the picture of a future that is bleak and dark for yourself, but does it really have to be that way? You hinted that you should tale control of your life, and why can't you start doing that right now? In my view, 'taking control' of one's life is about upholding your own opinions when others try to shoot them down, being confident in your own abilities, and basically not taking $#%^ from anyone. it also means that you go where you want to go, and not to be relying on others to 'amuse' you.

The way your mother reacted to those events years ago was typical of so many people... they just don't want to know the truth if they feel that it would be too difficult to deal with. Whatever her ultimate reasons for her lack of care and compassion for you were, might never be known, but you seem to have done so well in your life from that point onwards. Please be proud of yourself. Someone (or some people) out there are looking up to you right now as a role model - I'm sure of it.

Kevin

Chucky-thx. I appreciate straight forward. Seeing this in writing makes it not seem so big. Shes dead,I'm not and I am still using her as the measuring stick. I hadn't thought about the role model part. Just a few days ago I had a mentee co-worker say her professional goal was to be like me and my first thought was "you want to be fat and sad?" I did mentally make it to the skills she meant,right after I wondered what she wanted from me.
How does a person make that stop? I used to see a satirical bit on TV a man telling himself "I'm good and people like me" to the mirror.I hear motivational speakers talk about affirmations blah,blah...I hear a co-worker talk about a 12 step program. Do they work or is that just a scam?
I'd like not bleak and I am a quick study if there is a way. I so admire people that can go see a professional-there is no way I'd tell another person face to face what is in my head.
Thanks again for listening

You're welcome, and I reckon that some of those things you hear about are indeed scams. However, if you try to just take on board what their underlying messages are, I think you'll see that there are positives to be got from them. Ultimately, it bils down to this thought: Don't take $#%^ from anyone and start controlling your own life. I know a girl who would always say that to me years ago when I was weak-minded and was easily hurt by others. A few years later and I now brush off 'hurtful' comments made about me with ease. In fact, hearing them makes me stronger and more determined.

I read about that role model thing elsewhere, but I believe it's true - i.e. that for every person in the world, there i at least one other who sees them as a role model. I imagine that there are more people you know who look up to you.

Kevin

chucky,
thanks for the kind words and clear feedback!I found a website that has forms to plan meals,track intake,exercise etc. I've used it the last three days. I'm suprised by how much less I think about eating during the day when I the meals prepped for that day and the next. Granted only three days,but threde quite pleasant days. After giving thought to your words about painting a bleak picture I started to notice how often my thoughts become melancholy and get rather ridiculous ie a wave of embarassment ?shame over old school days things-not even of this century I found a little book with some nice comments on life,trying to control what is out of our control,staynig in the present vs dwelling in the past. A few were catchy and very useful substitutes for silly mullings over.
I also found an old university text in the trift store about "behavioral therapy" reminded me a bit of Pavlovs dog that we learned about in gen eds. I hope if I read it I won't begin acting badly if I hear bells or take up a craving for Milk Bone.
Thanks for listening,
idk

You seem to be trying new things and accepting them into your life. This will serve to take your mind off the eating 'stuff'. that's how I overcame eating problems the first time around, but it obviously came back because I have it again now. Keep on 'truckin' my friend.

Kevin

thanks- it is a bit scarey to delve into this unknown, yet exciting.I'm focusing on getting some structure and routine in place,and not changing too many things at once.
Take care