Please help me. I feel like killing myself.

I'm so so sorry for being so depressing and pessimistic and laying this on you people but i really don't know what to do. I've been eating disordered for just over a year and a half now, it started with anorexia and i've tried so hard to get back to normal but all i've done in slip into different forms of eating disorder. I feel so hopeless and it's just getting worse and worse. The only thing i can think of is just to end everything. I'll explain.

For the first time ever, i'm going to admit to myself as well as you guys what's been happening to me, because i'm really scared and i need your help, please.

In early 2007, aged 16 i developed anorexia, although it was never diagnosed, my weight went down to 6stone5 (about 90lb). I'm 5ft9 in height. At my lowest weight i don't know what changed but something in me clicked and i realised how unhealthy i was and that i truely had to start eating; i had no energy and felt dizzy and cold all the time, so toward October/November 2007, i forced myself to try to eat what i guessed was 'normal'- 3 large meals a day, 2 snacks.

I couldn't do it and ended up bingeing on certain days then fasting and making myself sick the rest of the week to make up for it- i developed Bulimia. Then just recently, about July this year, broke up with my boyfriend and i started drinking a LOT of alcohol...not just because it helped me forget about the weeks failings and everything else going on in life but also because if i drunk enough, it's easier to be sick afterwards.

Then around september when i went back to college i couldn't cope, so i started hanging around with a girl in my class who sells drugs so that she'd invite me to her parties because i thought they'd destract me from bingeing and help me break the cycle. And i started using some drugs to distract me from my depressive thoughts and feelings toward food- stuff like coke, E, weed (although i smoked that before) and things like that.

But it hasn't really helped, and now i'm in this rut. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol but somehow i've become addicted to food, i didn't stop bingeing because of all the things i was doing, i just stopped purging afterwards. And it's been getting me down so much. When i'm not tripping out or drunk with my friends i'm either eating or just feeling depressed and wishing i could end it.

In the evenings after college i come straight home and eat till i feel sick then grab a can of beer and get more depressed. This has been going on for about a month, and it's only at times like this when i have a little reflection time after a binge that i actually want to stop. But i'm so scared and i know i have to. All i've been thinking about for the past week or so is how easy it would be to pop 4 or 5 ecstacy pills and just die, or just to hang myself, and i'm scaring myself. I don't know what to do.

Please, PLEASE don't tell me to "talk to a parent or relative you trust" because i have none. My whole family relay everything i tell them to my mother (i know this from past experience) and my mother won't understand. She made me stop being friends with an anorexic girl i knew when i was 14 because she said it was "just attention seeking" and that she was being a "selfish brat".

I turned 18 last weekend and i'd promiced myself that if i hadn't sorted this out by the time i was 18, i'd kill myself, and every day i keep thinking of more and more ways to do it, and i'm so scared. PLEASE help me. i don't know what else to do.

Hi,

I'm a 25 year old male and have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for 4 years now. I WAS actually going to tell you to open up to your parents about this, but you said that they would'nt understand - Are you sure about this? You have already admitted here that you have a problem and need help because you can't get out of this alone. So, if you can't talk to a parent, then call your local doctor and explain everything to him/her. Alternatively, talk to the counsellor at your school/college.

I know that you won't find what I have said helpful, but please try to follow it.

Take care,
Kevin

Hi,

I don't know what to say to you really. I have had every eating disorder under the sun. Maybe if I explain a little to you about my life. I was abandoned my my father when I was 14 years old. This is when the eating disorders happened. I suffer from a thing called BDD which means that I am obsessed with my appearance. When I was 14 I was so worried about getting spots that I only eat ready break and honey and drink water. I was still ugly though. I went down all the same avenues as you, drink, drugs etc. I have been getting therapy for years and am still a sufferer but I would say to keep going. It is difficult but if you can slowly break trends, try and go for a walk do some different things like write poetry anything. I am a fine one to be talking but I know that when I do more things I feel better. Try not to think too much about the food. I also did this. Do your best but try not to drink alcohol or take drugs for a while. Listening to music is also good. My family are not the best either as all my family have mental illnesses. If you were starting again what advice would you give yoursellf. Try and take this advice. Don't give yourself a hard time.

Hi again Innerchild,

In my previous reply to you, I asked you to talk about your life. However, just ignore that because you've already talked about your life here. Do you think that you received a lack of guidance when growing up? I believe that may have caused you to develop such obsessive thinking as is presented by BDD. I never talked to my parents when growing up and therefore never asked them about how to - basically - live a normal life. As a result, I developed my life in my own way and picked up quite a few osessions.

Treinova,
It sounds like you're having a really tough time right now. Know that you're not alone. I'm only 21, just a few years older than you, but I have been down a similar path. I have dealt with drug and alcohol addiction, spending a 14 month period of time in an in-patient treatment center surrounded by both addicts and people with eating disorders. Fresh out of rehab, my parents left me to deal with my sister's bulimia, then my own anorexia, and I am currently dealing with my own binge eating, as well as a recent diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder. The irony is, I'm just a few classes shy of my B.A. in Psychology. I'm my own walking case study Life can really suck sometimes. But people like you and I will have something that many people will never have. We have a truly unique perspective on the world. We will endure and we will become stronger for having survived. So all you have to do for the time being is survive. That means not popping that e!!! I understand not being able to talk to your family. Most people have family they can trust, but some of us don't. I think that's why you're here. That's why I'm here, too. It sounds like your mother has very little understanding of eating disorders so she wouldn't be of much help anyway. You mentioned that you were in school - does your school have a school therapist? It might sound unpleasant, but it could turn out to be a gift. I was VERY hesitant to go see my school psychiatrist but she has turned out to be the only mental health worker i have ever trusted (and I have have seen A LOT of them). It sounds like we're in the same boat - we both need help. You sharing your story so candidly has helped me and I hope I have helped you at least a little. Don't be afraid to keep sharing because you're here looking for something and you just might find it. The most important thing to understand is that you could really benefit from a professional to guide you back to health. There are plenty of people with good ideas, but they may be misguided. You're dealing with at least two different destructive behaviors and they seem to be feeding off each other. Given the particularly volatile nature of your situation, you could probably use someone who is qualified to guide you along a structured and safe path to recovery. Yeah, that sounds cheesy, but like I said, I spent a loooong time in rehab and I picked up the lingo. If you have any questions about anything, let me know. I'd like to help in any way I can. Anyway, I hope this helped and I hope to see some sign that you chose against the pills. Thanks for helping others with your honesty.