Fluctuating Weight: Frustrated & Confused

i'm pretty much done with the bulimia. but i still struggle to find a balance between starvation and over-indulgence. i have been eating more over the last week - i lost a little too much weight. but now i'm all freaking out. it's like without the control i feel lost. i have to go to work in 20 minutes, but really, i just want to stay home and cry. everyday is such a mountain to climb - i get so worn-out trying to cope. my life really isn't so bad. i have a partner that treats me well and that i love dearly. i'm poor - somedays that's no big deal, somedays it just pushes me further into the "no control" hole. i had my first real flare-up of arthritis (i am 35). i have had arthritis for the last 5ish years - i have been able to ignore the pain and haven't really been incapacitated by it. yesterday my ankle hurt like nobody's business. i seriously could not walk on it. i had to take a day off work. i guess i wonder what will happen now? i work in a wood-mill (no really, i do). it's pretty tough work and i am standing on cement all day. i don't want to change jobs. there is too much bs for me. work politics, gossip, crappy bosses, lazy co-workers. i finally have a boss that understands my struggles and is flexible when i need to hibernate away from the state of the world, and especially any other human. so, will i be able to handle the winter? it will be cold at work, the wood will be cold and wet. my joints, oh dear...
thanks for listening. i felt like i was going to burst this morning. talking things out helped me let go of the anger. i was feeling totally irate at everything.
thanks again,
eli (elizabeth)

Hey,

You've got a beautiful name - It's surpringly rare though. Anyway, I've had bulimia for the past few years and I'm a 25 year old male. Iv'e gone through those tough days that you speak of where I just wanted to stay at home and cry or just, well, shut my eyes and push the world away. I have managed to regain control over my eating though, and I have done it by accepting that I have the problem. I mean, I'm through with fighting it because it was futile (I never EVER won).

So, I just let the Bulimia 'consume' me (forgive the pun) and be a part of my life. It is not an ideal situation, but it means that I can actually do things that I could do before (such as concentrate on studies, watch TV with enjoyment, etc). What I do is allow myself to binge every once-in-a-while (followed by purging). I actualy plan-ahead when my next binge will be. Trust me - This arrangement is much easier to deal with than having the binges come out of nowhere.

Kevin

I just wanna say hi to you! How have you been doin'? I hope you're ok.