Newbie....Desperate and Alone.

Hi everyone, i'm afraid this is gona be a bit long but i'm so glad i have found somewhere that people may actually want to listen!

My binge eating started when i was 8 or 9 (i'm now 21). I used to sneak food out of the fridge, run to the toilet and eat it in there so i knew nobody would see, then screw the wrappers up into a ball in my hand and run back to the kitchen to put it in the bin!

My mom has always been skinny and loves to tell us how when she was younger she could eat whatever she wanted and she only ever had an 18inch waist! But my dad was the opposite. Although when i was younger he was very thin i found out when he was 18 he weighed 18 and half stone (259lbs). Thats when he got obsessed and dieted really bad until he reached 10stone (140lbs) at 21. But my mom had never seen the big side of him.

I've always been overweight since i was a kid and my mom was getting embarassed so took me to a dietician when i was 5. Every week i'd have to go and get weighed but at that age i never really understood anyways. My parents were told to keep a food diary of everything i was given, and they made sure i had exactly what they told them. But every week i would gain and they were baffled. In the end they said my parents were either lying about what they gave me(which they werent!) or i was sneaking food! But at 5 i definately wasnt! So since then i've always been on and off diets.

In 2003 i finished high school and i went to weight watchers i went down to 14 stone (196lbs). I'm 5'7 and although thats still overweight i just looked curvy and i loved it! But since then the bingeing has got worse and worse. If my parents ask me to go shopping with them i say no because i know it will give me a chance to stay in and binge. As soon as they pull off the drive i quickly drive to the local shop and buy pre-packed sandwiches, pasta salads, pot noodles. anything i can eat quickly!

I'm ashamed to say that i am now 19stone (266lbs) and i feel that food has taken over every part of my life. I didn't realise it was an ED until i saw something about it on the tv. The problem is i dont do the whole binge, starve thing. So my weight just continues to climb. But everynight in bed i promise i'll start tomorow a whole new life. SO WHY CAN'T I????

Please help me before I go mad and kill myself by having a heart attack! I'm only 21 this should be the best years of my life. But food has well and truly got hold of me.

Lori x

Thankyou for your words of wisdom! As silly as this may sound, just by posting on here tonight i haven't had my usual binge tonight! It's like I finally feel that im not so alone and there are people out there who know exactly what i'm going through.

I know i should go to the doctors and ask for some help, but its like i just can't. Am i scared? I don't know what it is. But i'm finally able to write all this down to you guys, and so its not just all going round in my head constantly.

Perhaps if I use this place which i shall name "my sanctuary" as a place to come if i feel the urge to binge! This could be a good distraction. When im going into the cupboards looking for my next biscuit, crisps instead i'll come on here.

Maybe it won't work and then i really will need to go and seek help as there will be no other option. But for now i think i'm going to try this. I really feel like a weight has been lifted by just being able to talk!

Please post some replies, it would be great to get to know your stories and maybe we can help each other.

Lori xxx

I just want to say that you are not alone. I am a seventeen year old girl and i have had an eating disorder for the past 4 years. The past year and a half i struggled with binge eating. I did the same things as u in terms of wanting to be home alone to eat and making promises to start over the next day. I was really sick and i needed help. FInally last summer i got help with an eating disorders program called the Renfrew Center. Google it..maybe they can help you too...they saved my life. Take care of yourself and feel free to ask me any questions or even just contact me if you need to talk!
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