all i can think about...a bit too long.....

i dont know who's going to think what about this post.....but it's in my head.....i can't help it.....i'm stuck in these thoughts....

i have lost some weight...and i realized it was out of three months of holidays where i learnt to binge less...worked out almost everyday.....but i didn't know how much i lost till college started and i moved into their appartments and checked my weight on my roomie's weighing scale...i was down to just my right weight...after wanting to reach there and maintain it since i was 11..now i'm 18....my weight fluctuated...mainly rose...it wasn't very noticeble because of the clothes i wore...and now it's fine....it's good...it's supposed to be

i was supposed to be happy......i knew i had to just maintain my weight...but once i saw it on the scale...instead of being happy...something said you can go lower.....it said..'you can't work out like before...college is on...better watch what you eat'.....but since then...just a few days back....i've become more paranoid about my food...it's not like i don't eat...i'll eat....chocolates...fruits....all the stuff...feel guitly as hell...and then not eat something...you know the typical binge and starve...thing is...whenever i 'binge'...i'm not even really binging...i'm not full.....but i can't help consider it a binge...and then not eat my nest whole meal...or skip part of my breakfast the next day.....

and since i've been gradually loosing weight over the years...everytime a relative or some one sees me after long...they say i've lost weight.....now since last summer when i saw them it turned from making positive comments about my weight to negative comments.....met my uncle this year...he made it sound like i was a stick...and believe me...i see myself as i am...and i am not too skinny...i've become thin.....and a little more toned...but not skinny.....it hurt though when he said that
then my mum said i should put on a little weight....everyone's suddenly making these comments....and all of me is now saying you just need to loose more.....

i've been eating irregularly this week....and yesterday finally i ate fine through out the day...i was happy.....all i needed to do now was have a nice dinner and i would have made one day with a perfectly balanced diet..(not that type of diet...i eman healthily eating), but before dinner i went out with my roomie and a friend...and then he started....'she's anorexic.....yada yada'.....now he's overweight....and has the preconcieved idea that i don't eat...and he told me he was suprised to see me finish my burger when we went out the other day.....###$ i thought.....they actually think i eat close to nothing...i'm thin because of all my hard work...and this is what they think....????............and then my roomie said yeah she never sees me eat sweets and choclates n all...that's because she's not around when i eat....
so when we got back home...i made it a point to have my dinner infront of her.....and she said 'thats like a snack for me'......i told her i ate before i went out too.....but it didnt get out of my head..and i was still feeling a little bit hungry...my wise choice would have been a glass of milk but i went to the kitchen..took out my slab of cheese..(142g)....and had half of it.....so that with a bread and mayo is quite alot for dinner....luckily i didnt feel full....

i made it a point that she knew i was eating cheese by asking her if she liked cheese and wanted some.....i shouldn't have had so much.....and it's ringing in my head....i told myself i wouldn't.....even the other days i keep messing up...and i know it happens...i know i'm more in control and should be happy...

but i beat myself up about it so much...and there $#%^ i can do tostop myself from doing that....like today i just wanted to starve....go for a run....but theres no place to run...and i had my oatmeal....skipped the milk...now i'm calculating how i can balance out what i ate yesterday throught out today....id on't want to end up eating too few calories.....but i feel so desperate to stay in the wieght i am now......and everything everyone says and said keep ######6 playing in my head.....they don't see me eat because i eat alone......i even started spitting out food......last week when i was back home...but i didn't do that here and am glad....but i'm so paranoid...its all i'm thinking...i'm wishing i knew how to starve...but i don't want to.....i just want to not eat and workout or something today.....but there's so much to do and so many people to meet...i can't do it today...and i'm going back home...and i have to eat infront of my mom...which is a good thing because i guess it's not good to starve...but i want to.....

i know this seems trivial...maybe it is...but it's getting to me.....why can't i be happy...and just stick to balance out my food...and be like normal...like my friends...maybe i've been working on my weight for so long.....been concious as hell since i was much younger than 11...and now it's beocme a part of me....like i can't not watch what i eat....like it's not enough...it keeps ticking in me.....it's so deeply sunk into me i have to be losse bits here and there....i've even put up crazy reminders that not to eat...reminding me of days i sort of binged and shouldn't eat this and that...

i don't know if part of this belongs in another part of the forums....and i don't know what i want or don't want to hear...or if anybody should actually read this...but it's in my head...and there's alot more...i remember everything every one's said about my weight and eating habits....and it all plays on and and on....and i fear i may revert to harming myself in other ways.....i want to cut.but i can't now...and shouldn't...i want to cry...i cant...scream....my room mate will flip.....i just don't know what to do but write.....its ok if you didn't read the whole thing...or just part of it....i just needed to let this out.......and i want to just stay here...but i need to go...i hate this

poisonedcribellum wrote:.....why can't i be happy...and just stick to balance out my food...and be like normal...like my friends...maybe i've been working on my weight for so long.

That's exactly why you are struggling with your food still; because food has always been an issue for you and, thus, it has always been on your mind. Your brain knows nothing better than to think about food and your weight.

You can get out of this pattern but it will take some time, unfortunately.



I'm just curious cribellum: how healthy do you actually feel when these people are calling you anorexic and skinny? I mean, some people are naturally skinny; and they sometimes get abused by people who are jealous of their slim figure.

I have a feeling that you are like me in some forms (except I'm male!). I say this because I wouldn't call myself naturally skinny, but I'm certainly not naturally large either. However, I do a lot of exercise and weight-training and the result is that I look slim and toned. My gastroenterologist is terrified that I'm becoming anorexic and others have commented that I look too skinny and 'shrivelled' I think was one word.


Nice read.


Take care,
Kevin.

hey kevin!
gosh 'shrivelled'??...man i think people just like to exaggerate...were you bigger before?...just asking...because when you go from being big and then loose weight that's when they tend to make those annoying comments...first its...'hey you've lost some weight..looking good"....then it goes to.."you're getting too skinny...are you eating?"

yeah guess its just stuck in me...i came home for the weekend and spoke to my mother about it just so that she understood she too needs to stop talking about my weight...my dad came and lay beside her to just listen which made me uncomfortable because he just hears words...doesn't understand....and the next day the smart ass thinking he was being funny...said...'you've become so fat?' when i asked him to move the chair so i could pass through....geez!...its ridiculous no doubt...but it got to me....anyone can make fun of me its ok...but just why do they have to talk about that??screw that....i know i need to kill the pattern.....

you're right...i know some people as well who are naturally thin and others make stupid comments....it's real annoying....and yeah i must be like you....because my physique is a result of regular weight training...and i try and walk and sweat it out as often as i can....the excercise is sort of thereupatic too right?..and it helps keep up your stamina

i feel like crap when they make those comments...i feel like i need to prove to them that i'm just conscious about my health because i've seen first hand what being unhealthy can do to you...so to maintain control i have certain eating habits ,timings and all.

i feel healthy otherwise..(except for this week because i've been stuffing then depriving myself)....just need to get my head straight....and tell them to please just shutup so i can actually do it.....just when you're trying to help yourself...it's like you need to shut yourself in a vault...deal with it and then only get out......

The more I read the more I feel similar to you because I also eat and then deprive myself. I'm getting better though because I at least now eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They are all at screwed-up times but at least it's not back to the one meal per day thing.

Another thing that struck me was when you said that exercise is therapeutic. It definately is. When I look into my future, I realise that I want to be able to be mobile for as long as possible; and not bed-ridden and requiring a helper. I'm taking action now to lengthen my life and keep my heart strong.


I'd just ignore you dad. His comment is typical of a person that simply doesn't understand the 'mechanics' of eating problems. It's not his fault as such because there are countless people out there that don't understand. I'm sure he was trying to help... ...


Out of curiosity, do you take any Vitamin supplements or such things? Admittedly, I take Cod liver-oil and calcium tablets. The cod liver-oil noticeably improves my concentration for studying.


Kevin.

kevin that's such good news you know, that you're having 3 meals a day....from just having those late night meals to being able to balance it out is a real good thing you should be happy about. don't worry about the timings...sometimes i feel hungry before the 'right or most appropriate time'...but i just try and spread it out.

i know we can't pay head to what they say becasue they do not understand, they could if they wanted to i guess...but it depends and its different from person to person.

the cod liver oil tablets actually help?that's good...nope i don't take any extra vitamins or anything because i just am not up for any of that stuff...i try to get it naturally throught he food i eat though i know that you can't get it all and your body will absorb it better in the form of pills...my mother asked me to take vitamins and i keep saying no..i don't really know why i just want to avoid it.

yeah as long as i livce i just want to live healthily and be active, i dont want to be the reason for my own death really...