i bring this onto myself....

i'm getting the binging more under control...and i know slip ups are natural....but it pisses me off that i cant keep a promise to myself....my word is worth nothing to me?....

heh i try to sleep early......so i dont wake up in between and head for the kitchen...but like a little dumbass i did...again yesterday.....i knew i shouldnt touch the sweets they bought cuz then i would crave more...but i did....and i ate alot....i enjoyed everybit...and in the end...felt like hitting myself crazy...

i can't even diffrentiate between hunger and a binge anymore....i dont know.....all i want to be is healthy...but i find myself wanting to be skinny...i look at the mirror...and keep thinking if i didnt eat this or that.....i'd do better......i find myself looking for 'skinny places' and wanting to get thinner.....
then i tell myself...i know i'm at a healthy weight....i'm fine the way i am..i just need to get the binges under control and eat healthy...but i can't help the thoughts...but despite the thoughts i still eat...then feel guilty.....

and i noticed...if i dont cut...or harm myself in some way or the other...i have to binge...or just have some thing unhealthy and feel like crap about it.....its like i'm my own plague...my own disease....i bring all this crap on myself......i just cant be satisfied...and shutup...and just live....and move on.....i need to keep falling back....all i want is to be stable.....to havea steady head......so much good has happened.....i'm lucky.....but i just can't feel happy...i cant get excited.....my excitement lasts for 5 minutes...and then...i need to go back into all that brings out the worst in me.....

Hi, honey. I think I do this too sometimes, but with me it's a bit weird. I have periods when I work out and I have a relatively healthy diet. And then when I actually like my body I feel like I'm not worth it and I fall into a period when I don't exercise and I get a bit depressed about it. I feel like if I don't gain a few pounds and have them to get rid of, I'll have nothing to do to keep myself under controll. It's weird. I feel like I don't deserve to feel good about my body for too long. It's not so bad now, but it's still there. I'll feel the need to eat a lot one day or for a few weeks and then I'm back to "normal" and will want to lose the extra weight.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this doesn't help. I guess not letting ourselves heal is the worst kind of self harm and the trickiest to overcome. I know it's not easy to express your emotions. But we can think of a plan, if you want.

that just sucks...not being able to just be satisfied....
the lat thing you said...that just got to me...it's the worst thing to do....and the trickiest to ovvercome...not to give into recovery....
but i dont know how....it's either one way or the other...but both point to some how making myself worse of than i really am....
i know how you must be feeling.......