Being fat affects my work.

Every morning I get up, shower, get dressed, go to work. I never eat in the morning, because I like to sleep as much as I can and usually end up rushing to get to work. This is because I cannot get to sleep at night. Even if I have had only three hours of sleep the night before, I cannot get to sleep. Fear, anxiety all rule me.

As a result of this I don't eat until lunch. I don't pack a lunch so I end up eating out which can be very fattening as I don't like salads. I don't pack a lunch because my refrigerator is broken and freezes everything. I can't afford a new one.
I eat a fattening lunch and that's what starts my daily cycle of needing sweet, fatty food. I eat ALOT at lunch because I did not eat anything at breakfast.
I go home and don't eat for about a couple of hours and then am starved.
I put pizza in the oven because it's cheap and already frozen and easy to make.
I would eat toast with peanut butter on it, but our kitchen is always a mess because we are too lazy to clean it up and make room for the toaster which is only God knows where at this moment.
So I eat a pizza dinner or some sort of frozen food fattening dinner that costs only .75 cents at a discount store, and eat alot of it. Usually half of the pizza. ALthough they aren't really that big imo.
I drink soda to go with it because it tastes good that way.

Some times I will buy arizona green tea because I think I'm being healthy that way. I drink alot of water too and when I drink soda I only drink about half of it. It still affects me however.

I eat, not because I feel empty in my stomach. I enjoy feeling empty because I know that I am thinner at that point and don't have a blob of disgusting food running through my body. I eat because I feel like I need to.
I eat alot because I feel like I've eaten too fast and did not have enough time to enjoy it.
I also eat because it's something to do and I hate going out unless it's to the movies. I usually end up eating whenever I'm watching something on t.v. or a movie.

The truth is I did this all to myself. Noone did it to me. I DO IT to myself. It's not because my boyfriend can be an asshole. He's an asshole because I can be so negative and mean and annoying. Well he is an asshole anyway, it's not always my fault.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my acceptance of what I've done to myself.

hey hey...this hate...it's like you hate yourself....dont....fine it's good taking up the responsibility for yourself....but you dont need this

even if you can't afford food....whatever you have....break it up....in that way you wont be eating too much fatty food at once...it'll be spread out...your body will get time to burn it....

when you can't get sleep at night...try and meditate...get your mind out of reality...take while and go into a place where you'd wish to be.....or forget that if i'm sounding ridiculous...read a book or something...that will put you off to sleep....

try getting up early then and have break fast...then you wouldnt be so beaten by luch time....cereal should be cheap...avoid the sugary ones...or go for oatmeal.....and milk should be relatively cheap....it is where i live...and its great at all times...the calcium will boost your metabolism....

even if its frozen pizza for dinner...moderation goes a long way to helping u.....yeah moderation is real tough....but i started trying to eat every 3 to 4 hours...so i'm never really hungary...if i'm bored i and want to eat....i keep telling myself i will in a while...till then i try to occupy myself...

green tea really helps...it helped me....it cleans out toxins....and that could be your substitute when you feel like you're eating not out of hunger.....

and look change your outlook on food...it's not meant to be something you just stuff your mouth with...though i too end up doing that...it's really for nourishment...and sometimes when i take time to eat my food slowly...i actually enjoy it...savour it and eat less..whatever it may be

look at it this way...you just need to work on you...and you can do it...your life...your health is important.....and if you want you can make the changes....dont let this mess your life up....there are so many people of different sizes who do great because of their confidence...because they know who they are....dont let it affect your work....keep your work apart from your personal life....treat your personal life and health as something else you need to work on and keep trying

Thank you so much for your reply.
It really helped me see eating a little more positively.
I am afraid of going to work everyday. I didn't really mention it because I got on my big ole tantrum about food.
There are severel pretty, optimistic, healthy, fun girls at my work. I love being around them, but sometimes I get this look from them. It's as if they pity me.
So every morning that I go in, I get this pity " Hello, e. " and they smile real fast and walk by. Maybe I give off a bad vibe.
I feel most comfortable when I'm alone at work.
That is a bad thing because I want to be part of the entertainment industry and I will have to work with people.
*HUGS* thank you again!

hey e.....no 'pity' smile coming from me...just *hugs*....i'm so glad you can look positively at your food....

why do you think they look at you that way?.....yeah in that sort of work you will have to deal with alot of people...do you think you're just feeling it...or they actually do that sometimes.....?

i like to be on my own too...and sometimes i feel like poeple are watching me...like what i'm wearing....or something like that...but i try to not let it get to me.....i think i feel that way sometimes because my mother has the habit about commenting about everyone....and i hate it but it makes me concious...

but maybe ...just maybe they smile and walk away quickly because they don't know what else to say....like maybe they want to strike up a conversation but dont know where to start so they just leave it at a 'hi!'.....they seem like nice people to be around...so why don't you try and say something more...start off wwith simple things...like when they say hello...say something like 'hi, its really hot today isnt it"...or anything simple, like how your ride to work was...or ask them how they're feeling today... that wont make you feel like you're revealing much about yourself...but it'll help you talk...well small talk...maybe then they'll be more confortable to talk to you more...and it'll also boost your confidence

take care e.