It is scary when you realize you have a problem

There are so many stories just like mine out there and I am finally realizing I have a HUGE problem. I started talking to a girl I work with about eating cookies yesterday and the next thing I know I am pouring out my whole secret eating world to her and I can't find the guts to tell my family.
About three years ago, I found out my husband was having an affair and lost about 40 lbs, I had just had a baby so even though it was dramatic, it was not that far from my pre pregnancy weight. I went from a size 12 to size 0, mostly from stress and breastfeeding. I started exercising just to get to sleep at night (the more exercise the more tired, the less I thought about when I went to sleep.) I probably became obsessed with exercising and spent the next seven months working out 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours a day, plus anything else I could sneak in. I was eating healthy, just watching what I ate. My pregnancy caused incontinence that required surgery and wouldn't you know it the surgery went horribly wrong and I spent the next month and half in and out of the hospital. All this time I became obsessed with the fear I would get fat since I couldn't really exercise anymore. I began limiting my caloric intact to 1000 calories a day quite strictly, but the longer I did this, the more frequent my binges would come. At first it was only stress, I would buy a cake mix, mix it with water and eat almost the whole thing, I would hide sweets all over the house and then eat when no one was around. Once I broke the seal I couldn't (and can't) stop. I was able to exercise again and slowly began the process of retraining my body not to need the binging, but then work, school and a three year old made it harder and harder to burn off more calories than I took it, I freaked out and began to fear eating and then I would binge. I only binge on sweets, I will not allow myself to eat fried foods, cheese or red meat because there are too many calories, but I will eat a box of cookies if I have one. I work at a restaurant and I need help when I start eating, two girls I work with don't understand what is wrong with me, but they know that I when I ask them to take the food away from me, I am going to be sick soon so they have to hide it. The only way I will stop eating is if they hide it or if I throw it away. To make matters worse, I can't sleep at night because I feel so guilty about eating and the calories I took in. I am making myself crazy and until yesterday it didn't even seem like a problem, just the way I lived. I am in constant pain because of gallstones and didn't even know this was related to this. I need help and I am not sure how to do it. I thought yesterday that I would be ok because I realized I had a problem and could deal with it, but then when I started doing research on eating disorders I realized how sick I am when I was jealous of the girls that could purge after eating, I didn't post on that website because I was afraid I would be the fattest one on it. When I take a shower I can't look at myself because I will see the fat and panic. I think I have literally lost my marbles. How bad is it when people need to take food away from you.

ahh i feel your pain. Ive asked my mother to take food away from me before.. i remember one time begging her to throw away a big bag of peanut m&ms because i already felt so sick and i didnt want to eat it.. because i knew i would make myself finish it.

I am making myself crazy and until yesterday it didn't even seem like a problem, just the way I lived.

thats how i feel quite often.. like its just the way I live, I cant even imagine carrying on normal eating patterns like everyone around me. as much as I wish I could.

I remember when i first realized that i had an eating disorder - this was before the bingeing started - i was looking around online and researching and realized just how deep i was into this. i saw that i was really harming my body and that scared me. i finally realized that missing your period for as long as i had gone without it wasnt normal at all and was something i should be worried about. now that ive recovered from that, im beginning to realize that what im doing now is a disorder too. its depressing and definitely emotionally tiring.

Im glad you came to these forums, just like i did today, Im sure that the encouragement from others will really help you and motivate you to work through this.

My shame is now beyond the binging and now includes the fact that I need people to take food away, how crazy is that? I am so surprised that I have a problem that I am still in shock. Now that I see it, it amazes me that my "food police" don't think that I have a problem either, we all thought it was kind of funny that I needed them to take pans of bars and cookies away. Once I ate a whole restaurant size pan of bars and everyone including me laughed, it was revolting but I couldn't stop. We see what we want to see I guess and if they won't throw away the M&M's we just keep eating and no one knows how much trouble we are in.

its true. my mom laughs about it when i ask her. if only she knew what i go through afterwards.
i dont binge around anyone else though.. just too embarassed. my mom already knows for the most part though that im dealing with this so i always ask her to keep things away from me.. and ask her to pleeeeeease not buy any cookies or things like that. when its not in the house then im fine. [which is ridiculous because i cant deprive everyone else in the house] but anyway no one knows just how depressed and upset it makes me. although im sure if i had others encouraging me then i would be more successful, but its such a sensitive, shameful issue for me. and i dont want to draw attention to it.

I save the serious eating for private too, it is when there is something I can't resist is there, we usually are running around a lot so they might not be there the whole time. One of the girls has alluded several times to what I do, but you can con people into believing anything, my favorite "it is my eat what ever I want day and I plan to fill up so I can go without until next time."

FYI: Im going to think positively and write this in the past tense!

I always binged privately - since I've been living with my boyfriend I've stashed food all over the apartment - chocolate in my sock drawer, sweets in with my makeup, cookies in the medicine cabinet etc. He never found anything but once found some icing on the sofa after I had eaten about 5 glazed donuts before he came home. I think I told him i had eaten one donut as a treat.
When I look back at it now, I cannot imagine how I could hide it. I would say I was eating salad and fruit etc., and yet still piled on kilos. Talk about deluding myself...

@ penelope: At least if you eat like this in front of others, and tell them to take stuff away from you, you are more conscious of it. I think its more dangerous when you just binge in private, where you have no one watching you or judging you.

Hi everyone

Welcome to the forum Penelope! I just wanted to say well done for talking to the girl you work with about your problem. Although it is not the same as telling your family, I think you should be really proud for talking to someone. I believe that is an important step in facing the situation, just as coming on this forum is, reading up on the subject etc. For me, I managed to stay in denial about this for years so it is good to talk about it, whatever the context.

I also wanted to say that I too have felt jealous of people who can purge after eating, and I have tried and failed many times to do that. I am really, really ashamed to admit that.

Dubdoll - I admire your positive thinking and your use of the past tense!

Sarah - I have asked people to take food away from me before too. I have also had to spray hairspray on food I have thrown away so that I don't go back into the bin for it later.

Wow, I have shared a couple of things I am really ashamed of in this post. I guess I am finding it good to have someone to talk to, hope you don't mind me sharing!

bluemonday
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The really gross food, like a whole box of cake/brownie mix I save for when I am alone, but stuff that is a bit more normal to eat I can handle in front of people, I am a huge goof ball so it is very easy to make jokes about why I am doing it or I have even convinced some people that the consumption is based on a dare. How good am I at the cover up? I think that I deal with serious problems with jokes always.

It must be hard to have to joke about the food in front of people. Really you are trying to make light of what is such a difficult issue for you and that is hard. I just wanted to say I read what you wrote and am thinking of you.

bluemonday
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