Hi I'm new. Help.

About 2 years ago, I had a bit of an eating disorder, lost about 25 lbs..was so skinny. (i wasnt overweight to begin with) It had some big effects on my body; threw off my thyroid, and lost my period for a very long time even after I began to recover (that was so scary, i think it was 8 months without it). Wasn't bulimic, wasnt bingeing & purging, I just became obsessed with my caloric and fat intake. I thought I was just being really healthy and i barely even noticed all the weight I was losing. it took me a while to understand just how important fat is in the everyday diet. that was such a hard time for me, i hate being the center of attention.. also my mother is a therapist and she was constantly bringing up the issue (and I mean constantly) and threatening to bring me to a treatment center. this all stressed me out on top of what i was already dealing with in other areas of my life.

Anyway, that disorder made a big impact on my life. I began to gain weight back by getting some more fat in my diet but I also picked up bingeing over a summer vacation. about a year went by and I would binge every now and then but I was able to maintain a healthy weight which I was happy with. people would still comment that I was thin, but it in a complementary way this time and I was definitely a healthy weight. Over the past year, I have been bingeing a LOT. l am still average weight for my height and body but I know if I continue on this track I wont be be and that scares and depresses me. ...and causes me to binge even more which doesnt make sense but thats how the whole binge eating thing works I guess

so for me, whenever I eat something "bad" I feel like oh I already screwed up, now I can have anything. and i binge. and after, I feel like crap and all I can think about is how Im going to diet and exercise like crazy the next day. since this has been going on for so long now i feel like theres no hope and i just dont want this to turn into a serious case of bulimia. ive never made myself throw up before and I cant imagine myself doing so but im scared that i may do it out of desperation in the future.

anyway, after I have a binge I dont want to go anywhere, i dont even want to be seen. i feel like im huge which makes me feel like im back in the whole eating disorder mindset, my body image is way off..I dont even know how others see me but i am constantly thinking about that. and i feel like people are constantly looking at me.. i cant stand it.
i havent had normal eating patterns since a few years ago, before the disorder. i look at food in a completely different way now. I know ill never turn anorexic because i came out of that disorder with so much knowledge of it and proper nutrition (since I was trying to get my period back) that im always making sure my body gets the right things. even when i diet, i make sure im still getting good fats and things like that. but now im just worried about the emotional effects of it since as of lately, i just cant get food off of my mind.
sorry this is a long post but i really needed to vent because tonight was one of those nights....
I just want to be done with this. i want to get back to a weight that i feel comfortable with and happy with because thats whats most important to me - i want to feel comfortable with myself, im sick of feeling like disappointed and depressed to the point i cant concentrate on what i need to be focusing on.
i feel like my life is all about the cycle of bingeing and then dieting to drop the weight from the binge. lately, the weight has really been catching up to me and i feel like i cant diet long enough without a binge in order to drop the weight i hate living like this.

wow i didnt even say what i came in here to say.

i know that having support, especially from people that have struggled with this or are struggling with this will definitely help me.
whenever i have people to check in with about something i just always keep that in mind and it motivates me to do whatever it is that i am expected to do. so i think that in this case, having people to talk with this about will really help me not only to improve my eating patterns but will help me with my emotions.
I always feel like im the only one who does this to myself so hearing from people like the users on here really does make a big difference.
also, theres the fact that this is the internet.. so i dont have to worry about feeling ashamed or embarrased. i would never be able to open up like this to someone in person

Hello again

It's really good to hear your story, I'm sorry it is such a sad one though and I really hope you can tackle this. I hope it helped to write down what you were feeling in a place where people can undertand.

I didn't realise before I started reading up on this disorder that it quite often starts, and is maintained, by periods of extreme dieting. I've been told to kick the bingeing you have to stop the dieting, but I find that really hard to accept myself as I worry about how much weight I could put on doing that.

I identify with what you say about life just being a cycle of bingeing and dieting, my worst days are like that too. And there is so much else out there for us, we need to be able to be happy, content and have fun without this being on our minds all the time.

Thank-you for posting, it has really helped me think some things through.

bluemonday
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