Please, please help me make sense of my behavior

I am completely sick & fed up with my behavior and every time I think I have it under control, I wind up losing control again!

My pattern is this:

For a period of time I eat right and work out religiously (maybe too much... sometimes spending 3 hours a day at the gym 5-6 times per week). This will go on anywhere from 2-6 months. Even though I am currently 5'9'' and 225 pounds, during these bouts I lose a bit of weight, gain a bit of confidence and feel better about myself. I really feel like I have my eating issues under control.

Then, for no given reason, I regress. I stop working out and start eating uncontrollably. When I say uncontrollably I mean I will go a restaurant and order two entrees and an appetizer or two and dessert. I'll go home and eat it all. Or, I will go to a couple of fast food drives thrus, pick up some candy bars at a gas station and go home and chow. And this is just dinner.

After these episodes, I feel disgusting and totally pissed off at myself. Yet, during the eating itself I feel a strange sense of pleasure and numbness even though I know I wil regret it later. I make excuses not to be social with people and pretty much hibernate in my home because I am so unhappy wth the way I look. Before I became overweight I was very pretty with a nice body and got a decent amount of attention from men. Now, I don't see how any man could ever want or be attracted to me looking the way I look. In a sense, I am wasting away years of my life by isolating myself because of what I have let myself become. I am fearful of one day becoming a 60 year old spinster who lives with her cats and never marries!

Of course, depression plays a role in all of this. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (a mild form of depression) years ago and have been on prozac ever since.

I did suffer from bouts of mild bulimia approximately 18 years ago. I am currently 41 years old. I never had therapy and pulled myself out of that behavior. I was not over weight then. I have only become really overweight in the last 5 years.

From reading this, can anyone tell me what's wrong with me other than the fact that I seem to have no control? Do I have a eating disorder? If so, is it simply compulsive overeating or it is binge eating or is there even a difference between the two. Why go I have these episodes? If I feel so good when I am working out and eating right, why do I allow myself to regress?

I really hope there is someone out that can help me make sense of this bizarre behavior. I have never, ever discussed this with anyone. I am too ashamed.

Hello, Saiyara. I'm sorry you have this problem.
I used to be a bit overweight(chubby) and I lost a few kg by eating right and working out. Then, when I started to feel better about myself and the way I looked, I completly lost interest in working out or eating healthy food. I gained a bit of the weight back and I've started working out again, but I'm afraid that after I start to look a bit thiner I will lose interest again.
I think that for me it's about feeling in controll of an aspect of my life. When I feel like I don't have a goul anymore or something to work for (losing weight), I start eating a lot each day in order to
regain the weight and have something to controll once again. I used to weigh myself about 10 times a day when I was trying to get thinner. ( )
I know that my problem isn't as big as yours and I wish that there was more I could do to help.

Hiya

I'm glad you were able to post here after saying you have never discussed this with anyone. I too feel very ashamed about my behaviour and have only ever managed to talk about it with one person.

It sounds like you're really trying to come to an understanding of this behaviour. I wonder if you have tried any books? There is one by Christopher Fairburn called Overcoming Binge Eating which I have found really useful for starting to understand the problem.

bluemonday
X

I am very glad to hear someone else annoyed with this. I am pissed too, mostly at myself for doing it and not stopping but a small part is mad at how this happened. What the hell happens to our control? I don't understand that and for me that is the most frustrating thing, I can control my temper, my swearing, my moods and my checkbook, but I can't stop eating at one cookie, I have to eat 50. I understand your frustration!!!!