I am completely sick & fed up with my behavior and every time I think I have it under control, I wind up losing control again!
My pattern is this:
For a period of time I eat right and work out religiously (maybe too much... sometimes spending 3 hours a day at the gym 5-6 times per week). This will go on anywhere from 2-6 months. Even though I am currently 5'9'' and 225 pounds, during these bouts I lose a bit of weight, gain a bit of confidence and feel better about myself. I really feel like I have my eating issues under control.
Then, for no given reason, I regress. I stop working out and start eating uncontrollably. When I say uncontrollably I mean I will go a restaurant and order two entrees and an appetizer or two and dessert. I'll go home and eat it all. Or, I will go to a couple of fast food drives thrus, pick up some candy bars at a gas station and go home and chow. And this is just dinner.
After these episodes, I feel disgusting and totally pissed off at myself. Yet, during the eating itself I feel a strange sense of pleasure and numbness even though I know I wil regret it later. I make excuses not to be social with people and pretty much hibernate in my home because I am so unhappy wth the way I look. Before I became overweight I was very pretty with a nice body and got a decent amount of attention from men. Now, I don't see how any man could ever want or be attracted to me looking the way I look. In a sense, I am wasting away years of my life by isolating myself because of what I have let myself become. I am fearful of one day becoming a 60 year old spinster who lives with her cats and never marries!
Of course, depression plays a role in all of this. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (a mild form of depression) years ago and have been on prozac ever since.
I did suffer from bouts of mild bulimia approximately 18 years ago. I am currently 41 years old. I never had therapy and pulled myself out of that behavior. I was not over weight then. I have only become really overweight in the last 5 years.
From reading this, can anyone tell me what's wrong with me other than the fact that I seem to have no control? Do I have a eating disorder? If so, is it simply compulsive overeating or it is binge eating or is there even a difference between the two. Why go I have these episodes? If I feel so good when I am working out and eating right, why do I allow myself to regress?
I really hope there is someone out that can help me make sense of this bizarre behavior. I have never, ever discussed this with anyone. I am too ashamed.