Fantasy vs reality of a binge

Maybe it's just me, but I tend to glamorise past binges in my head. Weirdly enough sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to go to sleep, I look back on them as fond memories.

Is it though? I would say the first couple of moments when I'm hungry, that I actually enjoy and take pleasure from a binge. I think my brain likes to forget the fact that often the build up of what a binge will be like is often a disappointment and wasn't worth the loss of control.

There's a degree of wanting the taste of junk food food for me however it then turns into something much more serious. My triggers are my emotions, and I've used food copious amounts of times to push an unwanted thought/feeling deep down in me and escape on a food frenzy. How is it self medicating when the thoughts rear their ugly head again? All I've achieved out of it is I'm slightly bigger than I was the day before.

At the end of the day I'm not fully in the moment to appreciate the food as I'm eating it so fast. Almost as if my brain has shut down and I'm possessed...The anxiety I get when preparing the binge food and sneaking the food... The guaranteed mood swings and depression that can last for days after an episode (boyfriend occasionally takes the brunt of that).

I've never discussed this with anyone one and would love some feedback. How do you feel when looking back on past binges and your trying to recover- Do you miss them? What is it you miss about them? Most importantly, what is it that your forgetting wasn't so great about that memory?

Does the reality really live up to the fantasy?

Take care x

I fantasize about food all the time and look at food porn, in a way it actually is a lot like sex. Just the whole sensory experience of eating. But I think a big part of it for me is that when I try to eat in a normal healthy way and get no more calories than I actually need, I'm always physically hungry. I shouldn't be but I am. I am usually either still hungry after eating or hungry again within an hour or two after a "normal size meal". So I actually feel a sense of relief when I binge from finally getting to feel full, like I've had enough. Even when I was very young restricting what/how much I ate felt like holding my breath and being able to eat without restrictions felt like finally coming up for air. That is how I've felt my whole life, like I'm holding my breath 24/7 for other's approval, but when I'm alone I can finally breathe (binge) which comes with great relief and pleasure, but also some guilt and shame and fear of being discovered, of everyone knowing I'm not the good little girl who is never hungry after all, that I am just a big, fat, greedy pig.