Hello

I'm new here. I discovered this forum after searching for some on binge eating disorder, of which there are decidedly few.
Getting to the point, i'm pretty sure I have binge eating disorder, as I fit basically all of the symtoms. I hate it. I hate myself too. Because it's basically all my fault for eating too much.

I started bingeing when i was 13, I'm 17 now, before that i used to slim and pretty, now all I see is a fat blob. It all started after my parents split up, I didn't appear toaffect me much, but I would start buying ridiculous amounts of food and just eating it all in the evening. when i got the bus in the morning, I said that my bus fare was more than it was, just so I could have extra money to buy food at the shop by the bus stop. I've wasted hundreds and hundreds of pounds on food, to try and make me feel better, when all it does is make me feel like crap.

Once I start eating, I just can't stop. I can go all day without eating, but once I do start eating I just have to have more, and more, until i feel sick. and even then I want more. I really disgust myself, I know this isn't normal, and that I should stop, but I've tried to diet and it just is a matter of hours before I'm reaching for the food again.

If I ever did regain my normal figure, I'm wondering if I would be able to stay like that. Would it be worth it? All that excess skin would be horrendous, but then at least I wouldn't have to buy plus size clothes, and shop online for bras. I get terrible out of breath just walking upstairs, I have astma too so it sometimes restricts my breathing. I know all the damage being fat is doing me, but yet I can't stop, even though I want to.

I also started cutting several years ago, because if i couldn't control my eating, then i was going to have control over something. I've recently tried to recover, its been 7 months since my last major cut, but only a month since cat scratches. I'm scared of falling back into that cycle again.

My home life after the separation wasn't great, mum was depressed and got pissed every night, saying mean things. My sister was a total nightmare, causing arguments all the time. I just retreated into my shell, and barely spoke. I'm scared of talking to new people, I'm scared of talking on the telephone, I'm scared of growing up. Basically I'm scared of everything.

Even though my life before my parents split wasn't great, [my dad used to abuse my mum, and verbally+mentally abuse me, telling me i was worthless, stupid and fat, even though i wsn;t even fat then] it was still better than the life I lead now. I stopped talking to my dad shortly fter the split, and haven;t seen him since. I don't want to either.

I know I shouldn't be blaming anyone but myself for being fat, but I just wish things had been different, then maybe this wouldn't have happened, maybe I wouldn't be the ugly fat worthless lump I am today.

I don;t have many friends, and barely any that I can confide in. People that I talk to on other support forums, such as RYL, tell me I'm silly when I say that I'm fat, but tbh I edit the hell out of any pictures I post, because of my chin, and cheeks etc. I don't let them see the real me, because I'm ashamed. This is the first time I've ever told anyone EXACTLY how I feel, and been completely honest about the person I am. Because, tbh, I don;t like that person.

I'm not sure on the point of this thread, but it exists anyway. If you read this, thanks. Sorry it was so long.

Hi. I'm sorry but I can't tell you that everything's going to work out, that everything will get better, but I can give you hugs .

I can relate to your situation, partially. My parents stopped living with eachother when I was four, my dad isn't perfect, but he's not an abuser. I never cut myself because I'm rather incapable of harming myself. I don't even know what my normal size is.

But like you, I also started when I was around thirteen (before that I plainly overate :/) and I am also seventeen.

I'm sorry that I can't help you, but I'm glad I'm here to remind you you're not alone. It's not going to be easy, but the both of us can do it, it just takes a lot of effort. For one, this is something you need to want. That's part of my problem, around half the time I don't want to change. Wanting it badly makes it a lot easier. You may want to try eating less more often, something I've been trying, I now manage two "meals" a day.

Other people have beat this, you can too. Hopefully some of them may show up soon and give advice.

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Oh and your bit about not knowing the point of the thread, I know how that feels too. I have my own, and after I made my post I wondered what the point was. I think the point is to admt that there's a problem, and that something neds to be done about it, and well that help beating the problem would be nice.

Sometimes all we need is a bit of support and knowing that someone cares.

Hi, Sisters,
In order to beat this vicious cycle one needs to have a plan of action. Here is mine:
tools needed:
1. a gram scale i.e. kitchen scale...can be purchased from walmart for about $30.
2. a bathroom scale that will measure digitally..easier to read than dial scales
3. post its..those little yellow notes
4. a pen
5. a pocket calculator
6. internet access to nutritiondata.com
7. a calender to record data on
8. a plan to monitor caloric intake by measuring everything consumed, weighing it by calories per gram ( info found on nutritiondata.com ) and keeping a daily log on the post its, which can be recorded on a daily calendar. Weigh yourself once a week same time, like every mon morning and record your weight on the same calendar. as you consume calories during the day, add them up on your daily postit. Put the postit on the fridge for easy access, a new post it for each day.
9. keeping track is the key. You can figure out how much you can eat and gain, lose, or maintain your weight by having a written record of exactly how much is going in. No starving! The point of this monitoring is to find your balance. I personally need 2400 calories a day to maintain 123 pounds. No feast or famine, but steady as she goes.
10. this is tedious to start but once it becomes a habit it is a great source of personal security to know how to accurately manage your body physics. Vague admonitions to eat less, eat right, ad nausium just dont cut it for most folks. If this is too daunting of a task, jenny craig will do it for you but thats alot more expensive. Most packaged foods list the calories and the gram weight of the contents. just divide the calories by the grams and you will have how many calories per gram something has. like 28 grams of butter have 200 calories or 7.14 calories per gram.
10. Another helpful thing is to have a healthy tunchy to bite and chew, like raw carrots, for those times when alls you really want to do is knaw on something. It takes awhile to eat a big carrot and is satisfying.
11. Drink alot of water. You have more stamina and function when well hydrated.
So dont hate your poor self. its just physics. speaking of physics, just walking around, dancing, or climbing stairs, any sort of movement is very useful, preferably daily. Get a pedometer and try to rack up at least 5000 steps a day. Weight training is great, too, as when you build muscle it helps you burn more calories by raising your basal metabolism.
I am a wiry old cat of 62 years now. When I was a young person I went through some family traumas and in my teens got into a bad state of wanting to eat everything in sight. This did'nt do squat for my health or self esteem. When I left home to be on my own I found a system, which I've improved on over the years, but what I wouldnt have given to have had this at 13 to 17!
Taking control is very reassuring. You cant have control over the doings of other people, but you can at least have control over your own physics.
Wishing you impowerment, Little Sisters! (And Brothers!)

thank you all so much for the support, and also for the helpful tips, it's really appreciated. i will give them a go and let you know on my progress. thanks again, for just reading it.

george x