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Hello all.

I've been a regular observer to the forum but this is my first time posting a message; I'd appreciate any advice from people who are experiencing/have experienced something similar, but mainly, I feel I need to release all of my personal problems that I haven't told anyone that have been building up for years.

Firstly, a bit of context: I'm a 24 year old male and I'm...

1. ...a virgin and have always been single. I had to have a circumcision a few years' ago and not sure how my penis would hold-up during intercourse as I'm yet to try.

2. ...well overweight. I've always been quite athletic and played a lot of sport when I was younger, but after and during University I have periodically piled on the weight.

3. ...not enjoying my work life. I really don't know what I want to do with my life and am currently stuck in a sales job that I know I don't want to do.

4. ...struggling with money. I've got a lot of money to pay-off on credit cards, plus I owe my parents a lot of money too, but I can't stop wasting my money on junk food.

5. ...generally disillusioned with life. I feel like I've consistently made wrong decisions in my career path (i.e not trying hard enough at school/college, choosing the wrong degree) and feel like I am falling down the mountain I've been climbing (setting myself back in other words).

6. ...lonely. I live on my own and don't have any friends since leaving University. I've stayed in the same city whilst my friends have all moved elsewhere. I don't do anything in the evenings or at weekends.


Apart from the above, I'm alright!

So, the reason I'm on here: I suffer from perfectionism whereby I try to have a "good" day in terms of work, healthy-eating and exercise, but when I don't get up early and exercise before work (I've never done this) I feel as though I've wasted today and should just binge eat that evening and do the bare minimum at work (I strive for perfectionism in everything I do that day).

It's come to the point now where I am fearing for my health (overweight and eating nothing but rubbish) and need help.

I also pluck hairs out on my chin (I've done this for years) and throat.

All I do when I go to bed, is imagine what I could be like if I lost weight and got fit and healthy and then plan the next day in my head and then the next week etc. with all these grand plans but never end up sticking to the plan.

I'll be happy to elaborate on anything on the above plus provide more information on anything that may help - I'm at your mercy.

Please help me.
AMS

Hi AMS

Even though I'm not sure I can help with your problems (I can't even help with my own!) I wanted to reply anyway as your post struck a chord with me in several aspects.

You really seem utterly stuck in your life and unsure how to move towards I life you want. I feel the same. I too am stuck in a job I hate, as my friends all move away, get married, start families, have great careers. I waste my money on junk food too, and hate myself for doing it. I feel like I'm underachieving in every area of my life, yet I am a perfectionist, and so I drive myself repeatedly crazy, trying to achieve perfection in things I hate and not even succeeding a lot of the time then.

This inevitably fuels the binge cycle we both seem to be stuck in.

In terms of breaking out of this - well, I finally got up the courage to confess this to my therapist - I've bottled it up all my life, too ashamed to tell anyone. It was terrifying, I felt so vulnerable in admitting to this shameful habit. But it did help to have someone to talk to about it finally. And I'm going to be discussing it more in therapy. So maybe this is something you could look into. CBT may be useful, for the hair-pulling too. I think that is a form of self-harm/OCD called trichotillomania, and it's fairly common, so your doctor/therapist shouldn't be fazed by it. Another thing a doctor may be able to do is prescribe you meds to lessen your anxiety/depression/urges to pull your hair out.

I know it's hard to ask for help, though. Or to share these things with friends. I can share most things with my friends, but not the bingeing. There may be a hotline you can call, depending on where you live, where you can anonymously discuss it with someone. If it's your thing, you could always try Overeaters Anonymous - they're not for me, but they work for some.

I think that breaking out of the restricting/bingeing cycle is key. If you're too focussed on "eating healthily", being too perfectionistic about it and heaping that pressure on yourself to succeed and lose weight and have this mythical perfect life, then you're setting yourself up to failure, because nobody can possibly live up to those standards all the time, so when you do slip up then you spiral back down into bingeing, all the while berating yourself for being a failure, and fat, which just makes you want to eat more. I speak from bitter experience here. So if think if we could break out of that - take the pressure off ourselves and ease off the perfectionism - we might be okay! It's just I'm not quite sure how to do that!

You did say you played a lot of sport when you were younger - maybe you could get back into it again? Not just for the usual reasons of losing weight etc - but for your self-esteem, to maybe meet people, and because it will make you feel better in yourself - more energy etc. Again, easier said than done, and something I'm struggling with myself.

Lastly, your fears about sex... am I right in assuming you had your circumcision due to the foreskin being too tight? Just because my friend had the same problem, and he was so worried about sex - because before, it had been painful. But afterwards it was much better and no pain. If you're okay with vigorous masturbation, you should be fine! (sorry if TMI.) You can always ask the girl to take it slow - in fact, girls appreciate a man who is willing to take his time! And from a girl's perspective, the best part of sex is often foreplay anyway, and not penetration. When you do get a girlfriend (and you will), the absolute best thing to work on is your oral skills! Do some research, be prepared - but never be afraid to ask a girl how she likes it, as we are all different. Communication is always key for good sex - no matter how old you are.

Well, I hope some of that essay was of some use at least! Good luck with everything - and just try to make one small change at a time

Hard, AMS.

Could you take one limited step to improve any domain?

No matter what the outcome, it'll have been a success to have taken the initiative.
And it'll make for useful information about self and world.

Personally, I find that doing things with the body, when I find a way, is helpful. Of course, exercise, but also cooking, meditation, walking around.
It's like I'm sending all the blablabla packing then, and a real conversation, non-verbal gets going between me and myself.

I don't know if you can relate to this.
Good luck.