My B.E.D. Struggle

Where to begin...Today I saw a commercial on TV that was talking about binge eating disorder. I immediately started googling and finding out that my battle with food over the last several years actually has a name/diagnosis. It started in my late twenties that I became obsessed with my weight. I have always been within a healthy weight range but I started to really struggle to keep myself there. The binge eating came on so gradually that I didn't realize what was even happening. As the years go on it seems to be getting worse. Now Im stuck in a vicious cycle of binge eating and dieting. I've tried to stop dieting thinking that this was triggering a binge but no luck I would actually binge more. I do have some anxiety issues nothing to bad but enough that I tried medication for it. The different types of antidepressants made my binge eating so much worse that my anxiety increased because of gaining weight. So no more antidepressants for me. Anyway I binge about twice a week sometimes more. I always do it after the kids and my husband are in bed. When I binge it seems as though my brain never gets the signal from my stomach that Im full until I've eaten so much that I feel sick. I have never purged but the thought has crossed my mind just because I would feel so ill. The next day I would be back on my strict diet. Im always thinking about food Im either thinking about my diet and what I will allow myself to eat or I'm having a binge episode and I'm thinking about what I want to eat next. Sometimes I will binge all day. I will eat till I feel sick and then as soon as that feeling goes away I'm right back at it again. I guess Ive gotten good a balancing out the binges with the diets because I can manage to keep a healthy weight. Obviously eating this was is very unhealthy and I'm so tired of obsessing over food. I don't know what brought this all on. I have no horrific story to tell and nothing happened in my life that would trigger something like this. I am happy in all other aspects of my life. Im optimistic, social, positive thinker and I enjoy working out. The only issue that I have concerning this matter is that I do have a big fear of becoming overweight
Thanks for reading. It felt good to let it all out and know that I won't be judged for it.

Hi Banana -

Your struggle is my struggle, almost word for word. The part where you are eating and thinking of what you are going to eat later, hit home. It's crazy. I think, "all I am doing, all day, is thinking about what I am going to eat next". On those days when I am sticking to a new diet, I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, welcome of the forum. I am still trying to find the right combo, to free me of this jail I have made. I was journaling here, and maybe I will get back to it.

Freedom is just around the corner - but it's been just around the corner for a long time.

good luck with yours

Otter.

Thanks for your reply. Your right, I also feel at times like the end of this vicious cycle is right around the corner. I'll do really good on rare occasions making it a whole week without binging. Then the cookies n brownies sneak around THAT corner and smack me in the face and I'm right back to square one. right before a binge I try to talk myself out of it. I tell myself that I've done so good this week eating healthy working out and feeling really good. Reminding myself that after a binge I feel horrible physically and mentally and it's not worth it but I eventually cave to that beast inside me and binge. I am a believer in counseling and I have considered it. The problem is I really don't have anything to talk about other than the fact that every few days I have an overwhelming urge to binge. My whole body is effected when I get this urge. It's like I've been fasting for a week and I'm starving to death. My husband is twice my size but if we were to have an eating contest during one of my binges I would win. How is that physically possible??