recovery

I just needed a place to rant.
I haven't eaten a proper meal in *mod edit*. i either eat too much or eat too little. i have gained *mod edit* from binging (and restricting) in just about 9 months and i shouldn't be doing this to myself. i always say im gonna quit and start afresh the next day. i make plans to eat normally or even restrict (but not a lot, only about *mod edit*) but all in vain, i binge. i have binge eating disorder. so today i had breakfast and then about 3 pm, lunch with my crush. we had pizza and rum ball and cream roll and i was comfortably fool but then i wanted to eat again when i came home. i ate cream cheese (a lot!), sugar just like that, coffee made from whole milk and too much sugar, *mod edit* cookies, *mod edit* bar of chocolate, stir fry veggies and some fruits. i am at *mod edit* at the moment and so stuffed. i wanted to puke but i don't have a gag reflex.
my plan today was to eat breakfast, snack, lunch at 1 or 2, snack and dinner. this is like a dream to me somehow because i always mess it up.
disordered eating sounds so wrong. even infants know when to eat, how much to eat and when to stop. i dont know any of that. my sister gave me the best advice though. my mom doesnt know about my eating disorder so i should always imagine her with me whenever i eat. is it normal to eat this? if not, ignore the urge. if yes, treat yo self. this sounds so easy. eating when needed. but why does it have to be so hard? i'm not even restricting now. all the food in the world is in my okay list. i can eat chocolates for lunch if i want to, doughnuts for dinner, fruits and veggies for breakfast, tea cookies for snack----what i want and what sounds good but why dont i just let it go? that lunch was a perfect meal. it wasnt healthy but im not shooting for healthy right now. i just need to stop eating so much.
one thing i have discovered is i eat whatever is at home. and i dont mean taste some, i mean eat like serious business. thankfully, i dont keep too much food in the house. but even if i eat outside or even if i have already eaten something at home, i just need to eat whatever pops into my head. i have easy access to food due to the grocers outdoors but why does that mixture of carbs, protein, fats and other stuff have such a power over me? why cant i just forget i have an ed and move on.
i have tried so many stuff:
-eating only at the table
-with silverware only
-eating *mod edit* for each meal (my tdee is only *mod edit*)
-eating when hungry
-eating *mod edit* of the treats
-not giving a ###$
-planning the whole day
-HALT method
-brain over binge
-mindfulness
-resisting

but eventually, i give in. im gonna give my new plan a try (3 REAL meals, 2 snacks) and try to eat like mom was watching me. brain over binge is so helpful so i'll read that again.

thank you if you read this. i just want to get Alzheimer and forget i have a problem with eating. it's so lame to me. it's like saying i have a problem with peeing. and i cant even trust my body to send me right hunger signals and i cant trust my mind to decide anything for my body to follow. idk, i'll just try until i die. thank you