Trying to recover _ Once and for all

Two days ago I binged again.

I've been "clean" for more than 3 months and I had just started to think that it was all about to be over and that I might be cured. Well, it turns out that I'm not. I did it. I binged. Again.

How the hell did that happen to me?

It all started on Tuesday. On my lunch break I went to the restaurant and I had a nice time, except that I was so busy chatting that I ended up not eating enough and drinking (a little bit) too much. When I got back to the office I was a little bit drunken (which I hope nobody noticed) and a little bit hungry, so I ate the 2 chocolate bars I had in my desk drawer, after which I kept wanting more chocolate. When I got home I ate all the chocolate I could find and then I went to the gym. I enjoyed my work-out and I felt great when I finished it, except for one thing ... I was aware of how much chocolate I had eaten throughout the day and ... Well, it was "all or nothing" ... That's what happened ...

This is how I was thinking: "Oh $#%^, I've already eaten way too much for today (in terms of calories) and going to the gym cannot fix that. Today I failed anyway. Whether I eat only 2 apples or 3 bags of chips and a big bowl of popcorn for dinner the result will be the same - Failure!"

That's how I ended up eating 3 bags of chips and a big bowl of popcorn for dinner. But then again, it wasn't a real binge. Those were only 3 bags of chips and 1 big bowl of popcorn. The Real Binge happened the day after.

On Wednesday I woke up tired. My stomach was bloated and I had a headache. I took an aspirin and a probiotic and then I went to work. Few hours later I started to feel ok. I had a few cups of green tea and I ate nothing until lunch time.

Lunch time: I ate fast (I don't why, because I wasn't so hungry) and I ate a lot.

After lunch: "all or nothing" all over again ...

During a 6 hours period (between 13'00h and 19'00h) I ate (in terms of calories) more than what I usually eat in 3 days (72 hours period). That's what I call a Real Binge!

The next day (yesterday) I pushed myself, I restrained from binging and I did well. I restarted.

Today is my new Day 02 and I feel ok. Although, I know I'm far from being cured and I know that I need to be careful ...

I think I also need some support and that's why I'm back to this forum ...

Hugs. Sorry to hear you're struggling. But remember that bumps in the road are normal for recovery and this does not mean you have to start all over. Being clean for so long is wonderful. Maybe you could say "I've only binged once in however many months/years" instead of making yourself start over. Because you have still accomplished a lot and deserve to have that pride in yourself.

Don't give up and let us know how you are. Huge hugs.

Thanks Gratteciel,

that's very encouraging. And actually you have the point. When I look back (rationally) I realize that in spite of what happened the other day, I'm still doing a great job. Not only that I've lost some weight (in a healthy way) initially, but I actually managed to maintain it for more than a month.

The real problem is the one in my head: I just can't stop thinking "all or nothing". Sometimes I feel like it's just stronger than me. And that's what makes me want to "start all over again". On the other hand, recognizing the problem is a big step towards solving it. Therefore as from now on I intend to primarily focus on NOT thinking "all or nothing".

So, good luck for me! And thanks again Gratteciel!:-)

Another Day 01

During the last 2 days I completely destroyed myself. I just ate, and ate and ate. It was just like before. A Super-Binge! Two days of constant eating. Two days of continuous torturing. But why? How? How did this happen to me? Where did this self-destructive behavior come from?

...

Since my last post here, I've been doing very well. I've managed to lose the weight I had gained through my previous binge episode quite quickly and I felt great about it. I felt good in my body and I thought: "Well then! At this point, I aim Stability!"

Tuesday _ Aiming Stability instead of Weight Loss made me think this way: "If I am going to the gym tonight anyway and I had a healthy lunch, it means that I can have a dessert." I had eaten a nice lunch and I wasn't hungry, but I decided to take some chocolate (a dessert) simply because I thought I had deserved it ...

Chocolate being a trigger + Stress at work = Chocolate crave

At the end, I ate all the chocolate we had in the house and I didn't go to the gym.

Wednesday _ I restrained: nothing for breakfast, a small pizza for lunch and only apples for dinner + I went to the gym.

Thursday _ I was quite stressed, both by work and some personal issues. The weather was horrible. A colleague asked me to go out in the evening, but didn't want to. I just wanted to go home and eat chocolate or whatever might be interesting to eat. And so I did. In only a couple of hours I managed to eat (in terms of calories) as much as I usually eat in 5 or 6 days.

Friday _ Slept badly. Had to get up early to go to work. Felt tired of eating, but had no willpower to restrain. Finished work and went home to eat. Ate, and ate and ate ...

Saturday (Today) _ Slept well. Woke up at 11'30 am.

Weighing: In only 4 days my body weight increased for more than 7%. I know that half of it is water weight, but still I feel disgusting. I feel fat.

In addition, I had 2 pimples on my forehead and last night I made a mess of them. I feel fat and I feel ugly. Poor me ... I don't want to get out of the house this weekend ... Poor me, indeed ... I only hope that I'll have enough willpower not to keep binging ...

Huge hugs to you. I'm sorry you're struggling right now - it sounds so tough. Don't give up, though. Perhaps try to find an alternative to binging. Something that requires your hands. Paint your nails, play an instrument, draw, make pottery, play with clay or silly puddy or something, even tear up paper or re-arrange your furniture or the pictures on your wall. Anything that will keep you physically and mentally busy. It doesn't have to be exercise, so to speak.

Don't give up, though. I know you can do it.