Trying to recover _ Once and for all

Day 01

I officially stopped binging yesterday at 6pm. The plan was to go through the first 18 hours without eating and then to eat only fruits by the end of the day. This was my basic 38 hour detox plan. After all the garbage I managed to ingest during the last 7 days I must say I really, really need a detox.

The first 18 hours (out of which I slept more than 12h) went very well. I woke up around 11'30am and the first thing I did was to clean up around the house. I had too, given that I did nothing during the last week. When I binge, I don't feel like doing anything that implies any kind of physical activity. I just sit or even lay down and watch TV or read something on my laptop. And my poor mum does all the house work.

As for now, I've been managing to stick to my detox plan quite successfully. Day 01 is difficult to go through and dividing it into hours right now seems to be helping. Right now I'm looking at every 2 hour period that passes by as a small success.

I have no intention to go out today. Objective is to go through the end of the day ingesting only water, tea, fruits and coffee without any milk, sugar or artificial sweeteners. I also intend to do some more house work, arrange my clothes and try out what sill fits well.

By tomorrow morning I should get rid of as much water weight as possible, feel a bit lighter and hopefully be able to go back to live normally, not getting stressed at work, eating healthy and exercising.

Today I did well. I've spent most of the day watching movies and relaxing. I only ate fruit, I'd say less than *mod edit* of it throughout the whole day. It wasn't so difficult. I felt no hunger and no urge to binge, not even the lack of energy. In the late afternoon I decided to do something useful so I cleaned my room, arranged my clothes, and then I had a long pleasureful bath.

Right now I feel great. I feel clean. My hair is clean. My room is clean. Even the air seems to be cleaner than before. On the days when I binge, I don't even feel the need to wash my hair. I don't care about its being greasy. I don't care about anything.

Generally, I believe myself to be a very rational person. The only irrational thing I do is binge-eating. Maybe that's the problem. As a human being, I'm not supposed to be so rational, which means that I actually need something irrational in my life. And that something is binge-eating.

If that's the case, I should just try to find another irrational thing to occupy myself with. But what? Love? Art? Drugs? I don't fall in love, I have no talent for art, and I'm quite convinced that it's better to be a binge-eater than a drug addict ...

Well, I do write well ... Perhaps I could try to write a novel. That's pretty irrational, given that the chances for making any money out of it are close to 0%. Writing a novel ... Certainly better than binging!

Day 04

So far doing well. I’ve already lost some weight and even though I know it’s mostly just water weight it still makes me feel much better. I don’t feel bloated and there is no urge to binge (for now at least).

Right now I’m making my recovery plan. My top priority objective at this moment is to make it through 6 months i.e. 181 days without binging. I decided that it should be 6 months because that’s how much time I think my body needs to adapt to a new binge-free lifestyle. I started on November 9th 2014 and I intend to be cured by May 9th 2015.

I also intend to lose some weight during this period, but I decided that it’s not the priority. More important is to make it through the May 9th 2015 without binging. Weight loss should come naturally.

I might have previously mentioned that I count calories. I know that it’s not recommended, but I don’t think it’s causing me any harm. On the contrary, I think it actually helps maintaining balance. For instance, if I know what is the amount of calories my body needs on the daily basis in terms of basic metabolism and I know how to count calories I ingest via different kinds of food, I also know at the end of every single day if I have ingested more or less than I consumed. After doing this for quite a long period of time, I’ve come to the following conclusion:

If I eat mostly healthy food throughout the day, I end up eating just as much as my basic metabolism requires and I feel completely full and satisfied. On the other hand, if I eat junk food and sugars, in order to feel full and satisfied I need to ingest at least 50% more calories than what my daily needs are.

Conclusion: If I don’t want to be hungry, I have to eat healthy throughout the day just in order to maintain the weight I have. On the other hand, if I want to lose weight without being hungry I have to eat healthy and to add physical activity to my daily routine in order to increase the consumption of calories. For me, it’s a simple mathematics. Since I don’t want to be hungry I decided to exclude hunger from the equation and this is what remains:

Healthy food + No physical activity = Weight Maintenance
Healthy food + Physical activity = Weight Loss
Junk food + No physical activity = Weight Gain
Junk food + Physical activity = Weight Maintenance

Conclusion of the conclusions: Even though experts claim that counting calories is not recommended and that it might be even triggering, I must say that I see it as something quite amusing. Moreover, I believe other people should do it too, especially those who complain about their metabolism, because this way they would know that it’s all about mathematics and not about a slow metabolism.

Today afternoon was difficult. I had no lunch break because I had to go to a congress which lasted very long. And there was no lunch either, only a 30 minute cocktail break. There was some wine, bruschette and chocolate muffins.

I couldn't eat bruschette because there was cheese on top of all of them and I don't eat cheese (any kind of it) because I think it's disgusting. I can't even stand the smell of it. On the other hand, I had to eat something because I was starving. So I had a glass of wine and I ate 2 chocolate muffins. Not only that they didn't satisfy me, but I actually felt the urge to binge.

Why? Was it due to the rise of insulin after a sudden ingestion of sugars? Was it because of my love for perfectionism which lead to the "all or nothing" reasoning? Was it because I was starving since I had no lunch? I don't know.

All together most probably. But I don't care because I made it. I didn't give in. I focused on my top priority objective (6 months without binging) and somehow my willpower won. I managed to calm myself and after some time an idea of a healthy dinner at home became a more attractive alternative and the urge to binge was gone. At that moment I wasn't even thinking about weight loss/gain. I just wanted to feel fine today.

Right now I do feel fine. I ate well and I had a shower. I am tired, but I also feel very calm and relaxed.

Good night to anyone who reads this. Hope you're doing well too.

Today I was doing well until late afternoon when I started to binge. I don't know what happened. I had a nice lunch and my stomach was more than satisfied. On the other hand, I must admit that I was stressed. It's been very stressful at work for me these days.

Today afternoon I wasn't stressed. I felt apathetic. My mind started wondering around and at some point my willpower was just gone. I walked away from my desk and went to the coffeehouse where I found Franc chatting with other 2 guys. There were cookies and biscuits on the table and I just started to eat.

I ate and ate and ate and then I looked at my watch. It was 16'32. I said: "Oh man, I have to be here for another 28 minutes." And Franc said: "Do you intend to keep eating during the next 28 minutes?" Hahaha! Very funny!

I went back to my desk and sat down. All the work was done and I could afford to relax. The only problem was that I wasn't relaxed at all. I was just thinking about what am I going to eat next.

I waited until 17'00 hours and then I left the office. I was thinking how today was lost and how I would restart my Day 01 tomorrow. On the way home I bought a hot-dog and ate it in my car, while driving.

I thought I was going to keep binging until midnight, but I didn't. I just had a big bowl of popcorn and that was it. The question was:

Do I really have to destroy myself tonight in order to restart my Day 01 tomorrow? Does it really have to be all or nothing?

Of course not! If tomorrow is my new restarted Day 01 it can only be easier if I manage to stop now.

And I stopped.

Day 01 Restarted

It actually works! I can restart any time I want!

Here's the thing: As a perfectionist, when I do something I like to do it well. On the other hand, when I feel like I'm not doing well enough, I want to start again (restart). In particular, when it comes my recovery plan, the idea was to lose some weight at first and then keep maintaining it throughout the whole 6-month period.

The problem: I wasn't doing well enough with weight loss. By "not doing well enough" I mean not making an average daily calorie deficit that would lead to a noticeable weight loss in a 3-week period. What I was doing, according to my calculus, would make me lose about *mod edit* of fat per week, or rather *mod edit* per month. Not noticeable.

I wasn't doing "well enough" and that's where the idea of restarting derives from. I wanted to start again so I could say: "Oh, now I'm doing well enough." And in order to be able to "start again", I needed another binge.

You can't say to a perfectionist mind: "Don't be a perfectionist", just as you can't say to the sky: "Don't be so blue". But, if you are a binge eater and a perfectionist mind, what you can say to yourself is: "You don't need another super-binge to restart. You can restart any time you want. It is enough to say that tomorrow or today is you new restarted Day 01 and so it will be."

Day 05

So far doing well. Not only that I’ve been eating healthy and exercising quite regularly, but it also seems that I’ve started dealing with the stress at work much better than before.

I’ve realized that it is extremely important to feel fine at work, since I spend so much time there. I’m not saying that time spent at work needs to be enjoyed. For most people it just doesn’t seem possible. Most of us work to make money and not for pleasure. I’m just saying that we should all try to feel as comfortable as possible and reduce stress to the minimum. I dare say that most of my binges have started at work and have most likely been caused by the stress at work. The solution? Here’s what works for me:

1. Negotiate longer deadlines. Make your tasks seem to require more time and look more complicated than they actually are.
2. Do everything on time, save it as a draft and "send" just one minute before deadline.
3. Do not get stressed about things that don’t concern you. Do your part and let others do theirs. Or even better, write an e-mail informing others that your part is done.
4. Keep distance because there are no friendships at work. Be kind and polite with everyone, but not too close to anyone.
5. Do your job, earn your salary and mind your own business. At the end – it is just work.

Hi Anastasja - I haven't read your whole thread, but I wanted to wish you luck in your attempt to get over things. I think I have found a new way to help me beat this disorder and will post about it, if it holds.

Otter.

Hey Otter,

Do so, please. I'd love to hear about it.

PS: Thanks for reading!

I have a thread here somewhere. I am going to wait about a week before posting about it, to make sure I've got something good in place.

otter