Trying to recover _ Once and for all

Hello everybody,

I'm 26 years old and I'm another binge eater. I'm quite sporty and I've never been fat, though my weight varies. When I say it varies I mean it can increase for up to 15% during a 3 to 4 week period. On the other hand, when I decide to lose what I've gained by binge eating it usually takes me like 3 to 4 months. I've been binging for 4 years now though not constantly. In fact, I have periods: few weeks binging, few months super-healthy lifestyle, few weeks binging and so on ...

Like I said, I don't really have a weight problem. My problem is the lack of balance. If I just wanted to lose a few kilos, for me it would be easy. What's hard for me is to maintain it. What I really want is to lose a few kilos and stay there, or even stay here (I'm not fat even now), but stop binging once and for all.

I know how to count calories, I know how to lose weight, I know what's healthy and what's not, I know that binge eating is definitely not good for me. What I don't know is how to restrain myself from doing it. I'm sometimes even amazed with myself and with how I manage to eat super-healthy and exercise for months and then to eat all the garbage (and so much of it) in only one day.

Today is my 17th day without binging. Seventeen days of healthy eating and regular exercising. I've even lost some weight and I feel very well right now. But I am not fooling myself about being cured. Not this time. This time I know that my problem (disorder) is real and that it needs to be fixed.

This is why I've joined this forum and decided to start my blog. I intend to keep journaling as regularly as I can and everyone is welcome to comment. I sincerely hope you'll find my story interesting and/or helpful when it comes to your problem. In the end, we're all here for the same reasons.

Good night,

Day 18

I slept well last night. Generally, I sleep well lately. I also dream a lot. Last night, among other things, I dreamt that I binged. I don’t quite remember the details, but I do remember it was pretty disgusting. When I woke up I felt relief and happiness to realize that it wasn’t real (as if I had dreamt about monsters).

I don’t think I’m obsessed. It’s more likely I dreamt it because I wrote about it just before I went to sleep. I actually like dreaming. It makes me feel like my imagination were expanding …

So, today I had my regular breakfast and now I’m having a cup of coffee with milk. When I get hungry before lunch break time (which is 13h), I try not to eat biscuits or cookies or candies or any kind of junk food that may be found in the office, but only grab a cup of coffee. I’ve learnt by now that biscuits trigger me to binge and so I try to avoid them. I prefer to resist until lunchtime and then eat some more real food.

My problem with biscuits (and cookies) is: (1) I know they have a lot of calories so eating them makes me feel guilty; (2) They don’t get me satisfied. On the contrary, the more I eat them, the more I want them, and that makes me feel even more guilty. The sense of guilt is usually followed by sadness and sadness makes me seek for comfort and I comfort myself by eating more cookies and so I end up binging.

When it comes to real lunch, on the other hand, I still know how many calories it has (not precisely though), but I don’t feel guilty about eating it. Not only that it makes feel full and satisfied, I actually enjoy it. I like to sit in a restaurant, order something nice, eat it slowly and then have an espresso. I like when I don’t have to hurry back in the office and I don’t like being disturbed (or called on my cellphone) while I eat. In spite of having many calories I think about real lunch as something that is good for me even though it may contain unhealthy elements (such as too much salt or French fries). I’ve managed to convince myself that healthy elements (like vegetables and meat) are good for my physical health, while unhealthy ones are good for my mental health (because they make me enjoy mu lunch more).

Well than, seems like my lunchtime is approaching and now I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat …

I might check in afterwards to tell you about it.

Have a nice day everyone!

Today I had an argument with a friend and it made feel sad. We weren't fighting or anything alike. We're too sophisticated for that. Those were mere provocations; me telling her (extremely politely of course) how miserable her life is and she hitting me back. It's not like she won the debate or anything. I was the one who started it; I made her say some things she didn't mean; and I remained sad.

When I got home I thought: "Who the hell am I to teach other people how to live their lives, when I'm not able to teach myself how to stop binge eating and counting calories? I should keep my mouth shut and be happy 'cause they don't know about my problem!"

I had eaten a nice lunch so I wasn't hungry. I was just craving fruits. I know fruits are good for me so I decided to indulge in some grapes that I found in the fridge. It tasted really good (I like fruits by the way), so I ended up eating a kilo of it (more or less). I felt a bit bloated, but I didn't want to stop. On the contrary, there was this little voice in my had suggesting me to switch to chocolate cookies. I didn't. I knew if I switched to chocolates, I would end up binging. Somehow I've managed to restrain myself from it. I went to the bathroom, I washed my teeth, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and realized that I was just sad and that I didn't really want any chocolate at all.

I took 20mg fluoxetine instead. I don't have a prescription. I just take 20mg when I'm sad (for depression) and 60mg when I really want to binge. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes I end up binging in spite of taking it.

I went out to have a walk and to see another friend (not the one I argued with). I came back home and I had a shower. Right now I feel just fine. I'm tired, but it feels good. I'm not hungry at all but I do intend to eat something before I go to bed.

I'm not sad anymore. Friends are important and I should try to be a good friend (not tell them how stupid they are or how they should live their lives), but other things are much more important: my family and myself. Above all, I need to love myself and be able to forgive myself (no matter what I do).

That's it for today.

Good night everybody!

Day 19

I wasn’t extremely hungry at lunchtime so I ordered a tuna salad with a lot of fresh vegetables, olive oil, mustard and white bread. There was a lot of onion in it too. I like onion. And I like to put on some extra salt though I know it’s not good for me. I also had a glass of white wine and it was really good. I must say I really enjoyed my lunch.

Moreover, I made peace with the friend I had argued with yesterday. She didn’t quite apologize for calling me immoral, but I know she didn’t mean it.

No urge to binge today. And I am not sad. After work I intend to go to an aerobics class. Then I’ll go back home to have a shower and wash my hair and then get ready for my boss’s party. I have to this party. Not because he’s my boss, but because he asked me to bring him a cake (just assuming that I wanted to come) and I said ok.

As I understood there will be food, not a dinner though (only snacks) and 2 beverages for everyone. So, I plan to eat only one big green apple before the party and then, at the party, I’ll have 2 glasses of good wine (if there is any) and some salty snacks (in moderation if possible). I am not going to eat anything sweet (no cookies, no biscuits and no chocolate!). I also intend to skip the cake and the cheap champagne.

Well than, have a nice Friday night everyone!

Will be back tomorrow to tell you how I did and if I had fun! Bye now!

Hi Anastasja, just letting you know im reading and hope everything goes well

Hey Im-pure,

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it.

Day 20

Last night was a true success for me. The party I went to was rather boring, but I did not get drunk and I did not overeat. I ate some beef, some salad and had 2 glasses of red wine which wasn't good, but there was nothing else to drink (except water). I hadn't finished my 2nd glass when my cheeks became a bit reddish so I told myself it was time to stop and switch to water.

Later they brought some exotic risotto and put it on the table. I'm not sure what was in it, but I was attracted to it. The moment I was about to take a clean plate and put some of it in it, my favorite colleague approached and whispered to my ear: "Wouldn't you agree that this party would be so much better if, instead of all this food, there were alcohol?"

He was totally right! My stomach was full and the reason I wanted to taste the risotto wasn't hunger, but the fact that the party was boring. At that point I decided not to eat anymore.

I did eat some cake at the end, but only half a piece. It would've been impolite if I hadn't. It was a birthday party after all. Good thing is that I felt no guilt about eating it and it didn't trigger me to overeat. I was proud of myself for leaving half of my piece on the plate and I just wanted to go somewhere to dance. And that's what I did.

Around midnight it wasn't so difficult to find people who would leave the party and come with me. So we went to a club and I only took one Coca Cola and one glass of sparkling water. And I danced.

It was late when I got home, but I wasn't drunken and there was no urge to binge. I was tired, but it felt good. I was really happy with myself.

Today, I plan to go to the shore, eat some nice fish, and have a walk by the sea. The weather is ok and some friends of mine from abroad are here this weekend, so I want to take them somewhere to relax and have fun.

Bye now everybody! Have a nice weekend!

Wow! What a weekend!

I slept very little, ate a lot and drank a lot, but it was great. Perhaps I exaggerated a bit with the wine yesterday, but it was all good wine, so I felt no guilt about it. I can't say I didn't care about calories, because I did. I do. I always count calories both in food and in alcohol. Good thing is that I didn't feel guilty about eating so much and drinking so much (in spite of all the calories).

I had great fun and that there was no urge to binge when I got home this evening. I made myself a small dinner, had a shower, washed my hair and right now I am very tired, but it feels good.

Another success for me!

Good night everyone! Hope you're doing well too!

Day 24

We had this big family party in the house the other day. It was all about eating, drinking and serving people who come and go the whole day. I thought I was doing ok. By ”doing ok” I mean not binging. Everybody overeat at this kind of parties. It is just inevitable. I thought I was doing ok because I ate no sweets and no bread, only meat and vegetables.

I did well paying attention to what I ate, but I did not do well not paying attention to how much wine I drank. I think it was something like 2 liters throughout the day. It was around 11pm when all the people left and we were supposed to start cleaning up and then my mum said: ”Honey, please, go to bed. We’ll take care of everything.”

The next day I had a job interview, so I told my boss I needed 2 days holiday (one day for the family party and the other one to clean up the house). I wasn’t supposed to get drunk at the family party. What an idiot! When mum woke me up it was around 7am and I had a terrible headache. I also vomited. I took an aspirin and luckily it soon felt much easier. Somehow I managed to get dressed and put some make-up on in order to look decently for the interview.

Sometimes I think I’m simply an immoderate. If I don’t pay attention to what I eat, I end up binging. If I don’t pay attention to what (and how much) I drink, I end up getting drunk. Maybe it’s just the way I am and it’s not something I can change. The only solution is to be careful and pay attention to what I eat and drink for the rest of my life.

I don’t know. Today I’m back to work and I’m feeling kind of sad. I keep telling myself how it’s important that I don’t binge and that things will get better. They just have to.

Day 25

Last night I overate, but I did not end up binging. I got home around 9pm and I was very hungry. My mum had made was this dish with meat and cabbage and it was very tasty so I ate a lot, something like a double portion. I felt a bit bloated when I finished, but there was no urge to binge. I was satisfied.

I also slept very well and today I feel much better. I’m not sad at all. My job is boring and life is not perfect, of course, but there are still so many things to be enjoyed.

Have a nice day everyone!