Help with my daughter

I just found out my daughter has an eating disorder. Yesterday I came home and got on my computer and used the drop-down screen to click on an address I needed to go to. I guess I accidentally clicked on the wrong address because pictures of my daughter and a blog came up instead. I began reading what was written and was shocked to find out it was some sort of eating disorder blog. I guess she will fast for long periods of time, she runs a lot on her cross country team and it sounds like she does something referred to as spitting. She writes about problems with binging and occasional purging. She also wrote about diet pills that her Asian friend hooks her up with. She says she got the eating disorder from me and that I gave it to her and her two brothers. I am confused becuase I see her eat. I spoke to our family doctor and he is going to try and draw it out of her. If she doesn't speak up he will confront her about it. Her life has not been picture perfect. I left her abusive father and had a tough time handling that emotionally and I suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder. Though her father was an awful person to live with, now that we don't live with him and I am sole custodian, he is all of a sudden "Mr. Wonderful" and she claims at times she wants to live with him. She is angry I got remarried and I even read in her blogs how she wishes it was just me and her again. I feel like I have totally screwed up my daughter and I want to get her the help she needs. Maybe it would be best for her to go live with her father. I don't know. I know nothing about the eating disorder world and was hoping someone could help me out with this one. Give me some direction. Did I cause this to happen?

Hey

There are a few things of relevance to your daughter's problem here and exteriorly her pain manifests itself as the eating disorder. Interiorly, she is no doubt suffering with a number of different issues. One of the issues bothering her in my mind is your new partner. Some people, when depressed, dislike changes in their lives and this guy is perhaps invading her space. Also, she's an athlete so fitness is obviously important to her - This is adding more stress for her.


About the eating problem: I wouldn't even attempt to corner her or try to drag a confession out of her. She will despise whoever does that to her. You said that you are depressed yourself so understand that she is probably protective and sensitive about this eating problem. This has to be broached to her slowly and by a person she has utmost respect for. Maybe the doctor is the next-best thing to talk to her about it though.


I feel that if the background issues in her life are resolved then the eating disorder will be resolved without even thinking about it. If you tackle the eating problem directly then you are not concentrating on what is really bothering her. This is a common problem in psychotherapy. So, although the symptoms of her eating-disorder might be alleviated they will just resurface at a later date if the background issues are not resolved.



Kevster

Hi

This is my very first reply on this website, so lucky you get to be the recipient!
Let me just start by saying that I am on the OTHER side of the spectrum: I have the disorder, and let it nearly wreck my relationship with my mom, who is my best friend.
We always got on great, but during the tail end of middle school and then high school, I developed insecurities, a "weird thing" with food, and eventually distanced myself from her.
I know what you must be feeling: my mom and I can finally talk about how she feels when she sees me doing terrible things to my body. I get it now. She feels guilty. Upset. Stress.
She feels she should have noticed sooner, and I'm not sure exactly how you feel, but let me just tell you (since you seem to be unable to talk to your daughter about this), that it was never and WILL NEVER be your fault, or a result of a slip-up in parenting. Disorders such as these are purely mental; the physical aspects, though at times terrible and detrimental to a person's health, are merely a by-product of a problem much deeper in the person's mind. Your daughter may have low self-esteem, or feel that she has lost control of some aspect in her life, and struggles to maintain power over something, anything: her body.
I still have trouble talking to my mom about these things, because in my mind it seems impossible that she would even BEGIN to comprehend what I'm thinking and going through. You may have to bring your daughter to talk to someone else, most likely a psychologist or therapist, before she may feel up to the task of talking to you.
I blamed my mom for the longest time about what I was going through. She would make herself so upset and anxious because for the longest time, she thought it truly WAS her fault.
But it wasn't. So please continue posting and reading, and taking action in your daughter's life. I at first hated my mom when she forced me to talk to someone. It's been a long time, and I still feel sometimes like my struggle will never truly be over. But because I got help and realized that I was projecting my anger and frustration of a problem I couldn't control on my mom, I made her feel like some sort of monster, when she's one of the greatest, most helpful people in my life.
Try getting help, and talking to your daughter. And never stop trying. My mom never gave up on me, and even now, when I don't live at home, I still know I have people who cared enough to pull me out of my rut.

You seem like a worried, but good, mother. Good luck.