Do i have binge eating disorder? advice?

Hey, i'm an 18 year old female. I know nobody here is a doctor so cannot officially diagnose an eating disorder but i think i'm suffering from BED and wondered if you have any advice.

I can't remember the last time i managed to go at least a week without binging, i had an episode just now. I'm not sure what causes my episodes i've read about biological/psychological issues which could cause it and also dieting could, i think dieting could be the reason i binge. I was using myfitnesspal to track calories for two weeks ( i stopped about about 2 weeks ago but i was starting to become really concious over everything i ate.

This morning i had egg, spinach, ham, tomato & an apple for breakfast then at lunch time i had more ham then a tuna salad. After lunch i just lost control and ate about 10 digestives, some with melted chocolate and peanut butter on top, 2 new york bagels lathered in butter,pitta bread toasted with peanut butter, some peanut butter and banana ice cream, and a lot more peanut butter. That may not sound a lot to some people but it is to me, although admittedly i have been a LOT worse before. Most of the extra food i eat outside of meal times i hide it from my family cause it's so embarrasing for them to see me constantly eating. Sometimes when i'm bingeing i eat so fast and although i know what i'm doing is bad i just can't stop eating i literally have this urge inside of me to eat more food. Afterwards i feel disgusted in myself and everytime it happens i end up bloated for days which makes me feel so so crap and i promise myself that i won't do it again because i hate the feeling but not even that stops it from happening.

I feel like the fat one in my household because my mum and younger sister are both really skinny, my mum weighed less than me at some point. I am *edit* and *edit* so i'ts not like i'm even obese.

My mum and sister always make fun of me because apparently i eat a lot although they never even see my binges. They're constantly joking about how the food bills are gonna be so much cheaper after i leave for university. My mum is always pointing out my weight and what food i eat, if i serve myself some food she'll make comments like 'are you really eating all that' 'that's a lot of food'. One time at dinner she was like to my sister 'did you see all that food your sister ate earlier'. When i hugged her a couple weeks ago she pinched my fat hinting that i'm too tubby. Last week i made lunch using a whole tin of tomatoes and a small tin of tuna.. (healthy right?)..my mum told me i was going to get fat. BUT whenever i eat healthy food and exercise she tells me off and says i'm going to waste away into nothing, that i need to eat more carbs and i shouldn't be exercising (baring in mind, this is just me doing 40 minutes of jogging and a 30 minute exercise dvd at home).

Comments from my sister and my mum are really not helping my attitudes towards food, my weight and how i feel about myself. I can't tell my mum that i think i have a binge eating problem because 1) it is really embarrassing 2) i don't think she will take me seriously and I do not want to go to a doctor about this either.

Does anybody have any advice or methods they have used to help them recover please? it is so frustrating trying to lose this weight (especially as i am going on holiday in 2 months) when every good day i have with regards to food is ruined by binge eating episodes. Now i have to go for a birthday meal tonight at a pizza restaurant and i am dreading how i will look tomorrow morning I constantly let myself down. It just feels like a never ending cycle of eating really well then completely ruining it.

Hi!
So sorry that you are hurting! I might have a few things to suggest, based on my year with an eating disorder...
You said you want to lose weight because you are going on holiday. I can totally understand, but I wonder if your body is resisting to some degree because it's healthy at your current weight? I know I have tried to lose weight at times and it really triggered binges because my body was smarter than me and knew I was healthy as I was. I don't know if you are actually trying to cut down on the food you are eating on your "good days", but maybe some of the binge drive is actually hunger? It can be so scary when the body/brain takes over and makes you eat (I have been there), so maybe you could try to focus on how hungry and full you are for a few days and just see if you think being physically hungry is playing a part in your binges.

I also wonder if there is a way to let your Mum and sister know that their comments really hurt your feelings? I doubt they are trying to make you feel bad, but from the way you describe it it sounds like it does hurt and maybe triggers some bad thoughts about your body and yourself and that can lead to binges to comfort yourself. Maybe you could write them both a note (I find writing easier than talking in person sometimes) and let them both know how much you love them and how much their opinions matter to you and gently let them know that it makes you feel bad when they make comments about your food intake, or pinch your body, or compare your body to someone else's. I know that might be a really hard thing to do, but maybe just think about it. You said you don't want to go to the Dr., but maybe there is a family friend or a grandparent or something that you could open up to a little bit, just as much as you are comfortable, and maybe they could help you communicate what you need and don't need to your family?

You could try reading some self help books on binge eating. I think everyone finds different books helpful, so maybe just go for coffee at a book store and browse and see if one speaks to you (although I would caution that there are many "diet" books out there about stopping a binge and those may not be the best to read. Look for ones that deal more with the "feelings" piece then strictly weight loss).

All of those are just suggestions--I'm struggling myself so I won't say that I have the answers! I know it's insanely hard to not beat yourself up and be frustrated with yourself after a binge and compare yourself to others, but try to be gentle with yourself. In the long run, how YOU feel about yourself is what matters, not someone else's opinion of you or your body. I'm sure there are so many things about you that are beautiful, wonderful, and lovely--you are so much more than your weight or your struggles with food!

Hey @Scaredkitty27 thank you so so much for taking the time to respond, i really do appreciate it!

I think cutting out bad food e.g white breads etc may play a part in triggering my binges but i don't think it is as a result of restricting my food intake as such, although i am eating much healthier i'm still making sure i eat a looot of food, but just the right foods. When i binge i'm not even hungry it's like i'm eating the food simply because it's there, so i don't understand why it happens because my body doesn't actually need the food at all.

Those are some really good ideas, i'm no way near confident enough to even attempt telling my mum/sister or any family members that i think i may have a problem - i'm too scared. But if it gets any worse i will probably talk to my bestfriend, and i will definitely look online for recommendations for some helpful books.

That's exactly what i keep trying to tell myself - i don't live to please anybody else and it is my opinion that counts more than anybody elses. If people can't accept me for who i am, they're not worth having in my life. You are such a kind soul, thanks again and stay strong w/ whatever you are struggling with