This is my story

I am a 17 year old male and have suffered from binge eating for as long as i can remember. Up until a few days ago, I had always thought my compulsive eating and uncontrollable habits were the result of a lack of discipline and a simple love for food. I never viewed it as something wrong or something that could be changed about me.

It all started when I was very young, maybe 7 or 8 years old. I was always a chubby kid, made fun of by others and to protect myself from embarrassment, I never used to eat my lunch in primary school, I always brought it home with me and ate a days worth of food after school and then some more. I also did this in secret so my mum would not know and so she would always give me more food because I had just come home from school. I have only just realised that my behaviour was caused by emotional and phycological factors, mainly from being bullied and also suffering stress and depression at a very young age. I had bad family issues from a young age and was first suicidal at around the same time I started to binge eat. I have never talked to anyone about any of these problems and this is the first time I am telling my story. I remember one time when I was at the school canteen and I bought 4 or 5 packets of chips in one Lunch break, when I got to about the 3rd pack, I felt so ashamed and guilty that I hid in the toilet cubical and ate the rest.

I became aware if My uncontrolled eating recently when I started to notice how fast food seemed to disappear, especially since I was spending my own money to buy secret stashes of junk food. I realised that all my family members would have personal food stashes that last them weeks or months and sometimes they would even forget about it completely but I would go through all of mine in a day or two. Just yesterday, I went and purchased 2 cans of Pringles chips, a block of chocolate and a four pack of ice cream sandwiches. I finished all of it within the day I bought it. I have done much worse in the past, eating junk food non stop for the whole day and then feeling ashamed at the end of it all. I don't know how to describe the feeling but I just loose myself when I start to eat and I cannot stop at just one! When I am feeling sad or depressed, I turn to food. Because of my binge eating, I have gained 15kg in the past 3months and feel out of control. I have been binge eating all my life and I feel like it is killing me. I have always been self conscious about my body image and have a physically active lifestyle. I excersise daily for at least an hour, I go to the gym daily and participate in many sports. However, I can never manage my eating. Even maintaining my already overweight size has been very difficult and in the last few months, I have just lost myself.

My father has always told me to control myself with food but I just can't, I never understood why it was so easy for others! As many people suffering from binge eating disorder, I have attempted hundreds of failed 'diets'. Dieting was just postponing my binges for a small period of time. It made me feel like a failure every time which is why I turned to extreme amounts of exercise. I would train cardio, weights, boxing, kickboxing, soccer and basketball, for up to 5 hours a day. This helped me with my shape but the root of my eating problems where never addressed so eventually I fell back into old habits and lost all the progress. I always manage to gain back the weight I worked so hard to loose because of my uncontrollable eating habits.

Food has always been my safety net, the one thing I could turn to when everything was wrong. I never talked about my problems or my feelings, not even to my family. eating made me feel good, just for a moment; but afterwards , I would look down at the bin full of wrappers and feel ashamed and guilty. I remember when I was little, I used to 'steal' food from the pantry, without anyone knowing, secretly eat it all in my room, and then wrap the wrappers or packaging in newspaper or tissues so that no one would ever find it. I was hiding my binge eating from everyone and it has taken me 10 years to finally see it as a problem that I have to address.

I had always hoped that this was all just a stage in my life, that it was puberty making me eat more, but the way I uncontrollably gorge down so much food and the way I feel afterwards has made me realise that I have a problem, an addiction to food. The addiction could be compared to a drug addiction, consumption gives you an unparalleled sensation, but even thought you know it's bad for you, you cannot stop.

Binge eating has consumed my life. Being made aware and admitting that I have this problem is the first step to solving it. I apologise to anyone reading for this essay of a thread but I just needed to get this off my chest. Having this out there, even if no one reads it, is a big step for me.

Hello,

I think you made a very huge leap forward for bringing it out at least here, I think thats a very strong and important move you made that will surely help. It helped me, although its not over, but I start to see how during those moments of losing control over it, I start to get more and more conscious of what the heck am I doing, and the severity is actually decreasing.
Its just a challenge of life, man. just a barrier that needs to be stepped over, a boundary that has to be broken. Be strong, stay strong.
During those moments,just try to become aware where you are, what you're doing, what you're saying to yourself. Don't lose consciousness. Because satisfaction never comes. Its totally useless.

You sound just like me when I was 17. I'm 24 now and still struggle. I would hide food from my parents, eat their food that they bought for themselves. I ate sensibly at school because people were watching, but when I came home (especially when my family was out of the house) I would binge. I went to college when I was 18 and it got even worse. When I would get money from my parents, I'd walk down to the gas station and buy microwave pizzas, chips, cookies, and bring them back to my dorm room. While my roommate was at her classes and studying, I was skipping class to stay locked in my room, eating and watching TV. When I turned 21 I became a full-fledged alcoholic almost overnight. I definitely have an addictive personality and a lot of emotional issues that make me turn to other things. I've been sober from alcohol for 11 days now and am feeling fine, and I pray to God that I don't start drinking again, but the binge eating has always been there since childhood, and I don't know /how/ to get that done. It's not like alcohol; I can't just stop eating, you have to learn to moderate. So difficult! Best of luck to you.

-- Tue Jan 21, 2014 12:06 am --

You sound just like me when I was 17. I'm 24 now and still struggle. I would hide food from my parents, eat their food that they bought for themselves. I ate sensibly at school because people were watching, but when I came home (especially when my family was out of the house) I would binge. I went to college when I was 18 and it got even worse. When I would get money from my parents, I'd walk down to the gas station and buy microwave pizzas, chips, cookies, and bring them back to my dorm room. While my roommate was at her classes and studying, I was skipping class to stay locked in my room, eating and watching TV. When I turned 21 I became a full-fledged alcoholic almost overnight. I definitely have an addictive personality and a lot of emotional issues that make me turn to other things. I've been sober from alcohol for 11 days now and am feeling fine, and I pray to God that I don't start drinking again, but the binge eating has always been there since childhood, and I don't know /how/ to get that done. It's not like alcohol; I can't just stop eating, you have to learn to moderate. So difficult! Best of luck to you.

-- Tue Jan 21, 2014 12:09 am --

You sound just like me when I was 17. I'm 24 now and still struggle. I would hide food from my parents, eat their food that they bought for themselves. I ate sensibly at school because people were watching, but when I came home (especially when my family was out of the house) I would binge. I went to college when I was 18 and it got even worse. When I would get money from my parents, I'd walk down to the gas station and buy microwave pizzas, chips, cookies, and bring them back to my dorm room. While my roommate was at her classes and studying, I was skipping class to stay locked in my room, eating and watching TV. When I turned 21 I became a full-fledged alcoholic almost overnight. I definitely have an addictive personality and a lot of emotional issues that make me turn to other things. I've been sober from alcohol for 11 days now and am feeling fine, and I pray to God that I don't start drinking again, but the binge eating has always been there since childhood, and I don't know /how/ to get that done. It's not like alcohol; I can't just stop eating, you have to learn to moderate. So difficult! Best of luck to you.

I only found this forum a few days ago, so forgive the delay in replying.

I hope this forum stays alive, because for you, me and all the others who have finally admitted to binge eating, there is an opportunity to at least say the things we have never, ever said.

Here in this forum, we're a mixture of ages, sexes, races, and have some differences in past experiences, but as you'll have found out yourself, we can all relate to everyone. Your post reminded me of my school days, and my school dinners. I hadn't really thought about it for years. Guess who was up for second helpings? Yours truly. I too never eat much in a social situation, because it would soon become apparent that I was a lot greedier than them, so I never put myself in to the situation in the first place. After parties, I would come home and cook! It didn't matter what the time was - I'd cook.

I wont go on too much in this reply, but I hope to come across you now and then in the forum, as I intend to visit daily! It would be great to follow other posters progress.