Need advice and help...don't want to do this anymore.

Hi all,

New to this forum, although I have posted in the depression and self-injury forums before. I'm a binger, and lately it's been getting bad. Currently 20 years old, 5'3" and 180lbs. I would not call it bulimia because I don't always purge, but that's simply because I don't know how to make myself vomit. I tried to vomit last night after pizza and pasta but only bits and pieces would come out, which really upset me.

I've been binging every night for about 4 days straight now. A year and a half ago the guy I was dating had observed that it was happening at least once a week. We worked out together, and we worked out hard, so it didn't matter to me at the time.

I realized though that my entire life has been attached somehow to food. As a kid I was bullied by my sister and my peers for being fat. My family members would always harangue me about my weight and yet whenever there were leftovers after a meal they'd ask me to finish it as if I was a pig. I felt #######5 about the way I ate, and yet when I ate, I found comfort. Slowly over the course of my life, food became my go-to stress reliever. When I lost 35lbs as a teenager (185 to 150), everyone who didn't like me as a kid wanted to be my friend. My food and my weight literally dominated the course of my social life, and how I felt about myself. I enjoyed losing my appetite when sick. I hated myself after big meals. I binged in senior year because it was a stressful year, but not very often. As a freshman in college I reached my lightest weight at 143lbs, but I lost that weight due to stress in a very small time frame. I was still eating a lot and not working out so really, I looked horrible, so pale. But I just felt better about my body then, because I could fit a size 10.

I gained my weight back partially due to the fact that I started lifting weights a lot in sophomore year of college. However I spiraled into my first bout of depressive episodes and as my stress-reliever, food has become even more dominant in my life. The usual cycle goes as follows: stress stimulus, binge, feel worse about yourself, cut, feel even worse about yourself, think about suicide, stand over a bridge, change my mind. There are more factors playing into my lack of self-worth such as my parents' divorce, financial struggles, and sexual abuse. I pray all the time to make these demons quiet down and it helps, but I feel like when it comes to food I am beyond prayer. I feel that at this point I have built a deep physical/neurological addiction to binging as a stress reliever and as form of self-harm and I don't know what to do.

As a competitive judoka keeping my fighting weight has been progressively harder to do. My ideal is 154lbs and I was close to that this summer at 160, but my diet and exercise kinda flew out the window after I left school. Lately I've been so broke but the stresses of being broke lead me to spend every last dollar I have on food I can binge on. I can binge on almost anything, too. I've stolen food, I've taken int from the trash, I've even had food that was slightly undercooked or frozen, and food that wasn't meant to be eaten alone (i.e. butter, sugar, etc). It's so ######6 disgusting and I hate myself for it.

But you know, I don't want to hate myself anymore. Yeah, I want to lose weight but I want to do it in a healthy way, with a healthy attitude. Moreover I want to have a relationship with food that is healthy and sound. Having been overweight my entire life I have never had a normal relationship with food. How do people with healthy weights view food? How often do they think of it?

For those of you who also deal with binge eating disorder, how do you curtail your binges? How do you garner the self-discipline to say no? I feel like if I followed some people's advice and kept my trigger foods out of my house, I'd have to live in a house with no food at all -- is this method effective for anyone?

Lastly, who has been your biggest supporter on your way to recovery, and how did you meet?

Sorry this post was so long but I'm desperate. I can't do this any longer.

-- Thu Dec 12, 2013 11:29 am --

Also just to clarify, over the last year I have started binging at least once a week, but sometimes going for more than a week without a single healthy meal. My longest binge-less stretch is 10 days.

You are on the road to recovery by saying those words, "I don't want to hate myself anymore."
It's not until we decide that we don't want to live this way anymore, will we be able to live any other way.
Scroll down and read my entry "There is Hope".
I'm a recovered compulsive over-eater. It took me many years of struggle and pain to get here, but it's worth every moment, because now I have a neutral relationship with food. It's no longer an issue in my life and it used to take up every breathing moment. I eat regular now, I can talk about food, I can eat a small slice of cake at a birthday party, like every other person there who says I just want a small piece, and know I'm not going to buy a sheet cake at Safeway on my way home.
I know when I get up in the morning that I'm safe, that ugly beast will not be coming to haunt me. It's such a relief. The food I eat now is just for energy, pleasure, all in moderation, I don't diet, I don't overeat, my body naturally desires healthy food. I never thought that could be true until I experienced it.
I didn't keep any trigger foods while I was still vulnerable. After a while, I would just keep a bare minimum of something for a treat that I enjoyed but that was only after I knew I was safe from the compulsion.
My biggest ally in my recovery was my spirituality. I healed from the inside out. I had to connect with my spiritual essence, in order to deal with all my emotional pain, and with that inner strength and healing, I was able to move in the direction I wanted my life to go.
It didn't happen overnight. But like you, I just didn't want to do it anymore, and I was determined to get to be the person I knew I was inside.

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with binge eating. All I want to say is that your not alone. I'm not sure if this helps or not. I've binge eaten for many years and the only person who knows is my partner and the counsellor I'm seeing. I don't now about you, but it can feel very lonely. Like your the only person that does it. So, just to say, your not. I'm here trying to fight it too.

I've learnt a great deal about my bingeing over the years. It's been, and still is, a long road to recovery. I think some things work for some people, but not for others. Personally, it doesn't really help me to remove 'naughty' foods from the cupboards. Because I will binge on anything. And if its not in my kitchen, I will get in the car and buy it from the shop!! Unfortunately there is always endless amounts of food somewhere which I can get my hands on. So again, you're not alone with that.

I understand and empathise with the way your family have treated you. I have always been the 'fat' one in the family. Yet, when I visit them (even at 32 years old), they cook masses of food. Enough to feed an army. If I'm out of control, I will just eat it, then feel very angry with them and myself. But it's not there fault. I guess food is given instead of real love sometimes.

I have learnt that the only way to beat this damn thing is too love yourself, rather than control food. Do everything you can to treat yourself with love and respect. I'm still working on this, but when I manage to do this, my desire to binge disappears.

Good luck and email again to let us know your progress on your journey to recovery.

S x

P.s luckyone, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm interested to hear that your recovery involved getting in touch with your spiritualism. This is something I'm going to explore further to help my recovery.

Wow, such honesty and openness! I'd say you are on your way to healing already, Subject716! Thanks so much for sharing.

I too am a binge eater and can relate to a lot of your post.

It's important to know that we no longer have to play the roles that others have decided on for us in our childhoods. We are the stars of our own plays now and we can become the people we were meant to be all along...healthy and happy.

Sometimes too though, people can get jealous when we lose weight and they may even wish for us to be fat again....and fill the same role we always have. The confidence and self-esteem that comes with weight-loss and getting healthy, may be intimidating for some people. Or our weight-loss might be a reminder to some people about issues with their own out-of-control weights and binge eating...that they would much rather ignore. It's important to not let others thwart our efforts with their negativity and perhaps even jealousies. May not be the case in your life but for me these things have sometimes been a problem along the way.

I think you are on the right track, Subject716. Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that you are perfectly unique and there is no one else on the planet who is exactly like you. Learning to love yourself is the key to overcoming addictions of any kind. It's a journey and a process. Good luck to you!

Thanks for your posts everyone else as well. This sure is a wonderfully supportive site. Glad I found it.


Merry Christmas.

I can totally relate to your issues with food. Honestly, working out and specifically weight lifting has been a huge help. I say help because it's a psychological issue, and exersize can only do so much, but somehow it makes finding a balance easier, and I think that part of what's important is self-love and acceptance. Being strong physically is a bit of an ego-boost.
I wish you well, and I suggest finding a workout regimen to do when you have time, instead of binging.
If you'd like a friend or even someone to vent to (I know BED can be extremelly frustrating....) then feel free to PM me

-Abby