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Hey all,

I'm a 19 year old student who has been struggling with a binge eating problem for about a year and a half (at least, that's how long I've known what to call it!). I think I have had issues with disordered eating since I was about ten years old, which is why I've had weight problems as well. My weight has been all over the place since I hit puberty; I have never been extremely overweight, but at my heaviest I was probably about 150 and that's pretty big for my height (5'3").

In my senior year of high school I dropped around 25 pounds, and that was the happiest I've ever been with my size. I was in a relationship that took up a lot of my free time, and I think the reason I dropped weight so easily was because I was so occupied with that part of my life that I didn't think about eating. I was also taking two gym classes to meet some P.E. credit requirements, so that probably helped as well. At any rate, I stayed at that weight through most of my freshman year of college. Because it was so exciting to feel good about my body, I really wanted to keep the weight off. Exercising and eating "healthy" foods became a big part of my identity, and I was pretty obsessive about keeping to the strict dietary and fitness rules I made for myself.

Unfortunately, during the second semester I started to realize that I was really unhappy at the college I'd chosen. It was a really tough time for me and that began to manifest itself in the form of bingeing. That in turn resulted in weight gain, and a lot of anxiety and depression associated with that. Presently I weigh about 135-140, which is about 10-15 pounds heavier than I would like to be. Binge eating is undoubtedly the reason why I'm unable to be at a comfortable weight.

Like I said, I think I can see how binge eating has been affecting my life for the better part of ten years now. I remember instances in my childhood where I would hoard food I considered "bad," like candy or chocolate, or stay home from church so I could eat ice cream for breakfast while my family was gone. For me, food has always been both a source of anxiety and a way to deal with it, and it's especially frustrating now that I'm able to put a name to the disorder I have.

I was seeing a counselor around this time last year, and it was certainly helpful to actually talk to someone and voice my concerns. It brought me to terms with an issue I've always been in denial about. After she suggested that taking anxiety medication might help me, I kind of balked at the idea of seeing her again. While she was helpful in a lot of ways, I don't think that for me, medication is the route I would choose to overcoming the eating issues I have.

While I'm in a far better place than I have been in a while, I'm still having bingeing problems, and this past week has been especially difficult. I'm never quite able to pinpoint the reasons why I start a binge, and what it's in response to. I'm getting tired of making promises to myself that I can't keep about losing weight or not eating certain foods, because inevitably they are broken. It seems like thoughts about food and weight are on a constant reel in my head, and I would love to be able to say that someday those won't be a problem anymore. Recently that prospect has seemed pretty bleak.

I guess overall, I've joined this forum because I've never really been able to talk to others who have the same issue as me. It's a huge source of embarrassment and shame for me, and I'm not comfortable bringing it up even to people in my own family. It would be so great to hear others' experiences, or things that have been helpful to them in dealing with/overcoming a binge eating disorder. I'm sorry the post was so long, but I thought it might be nice to have some backstory and maybe some things others can relate to.

Thanks for reading

Hi there,

Thanks for posting such a detailed and honest account of your story. I get the feeling that you are, (as so many people with eating disorders seem to be), a very intelligent and self-aware person.

I relate very strongly to a lot of what you describe. The shame, the inability to pinpoint exactly why things are happening, tired of breaking promises to myself.

I'm older than you now though (36), and have come through to the other side.

I have a couple of suggestions for you, based on my experience which of course you should use your own intuition and commons sense on...

1. Stop making promises along the lines of "I will not eat X" or "I will lose X weight", or "I'll start tomorrow". These are negative and fear-based promises and in order to keep them you either have to stay in that fear-based mind set or break the promise.

Instead, try making a positive promise to yourself. For example "I promise that no matter what happens I will respect myself and my decisions." or "I promise that I will honour my body by getting to know my true hunger." or " I promise that no matter how long it takes, and how ever many hurdles I experience, I will find a way to free myself from disordered eating."

2. Don't ever deny yourself a certain type of food. Rather, insist that everything you eat, you will truly taste, smell and experience. Get connected with food, learn to love it again. Turn your senses back on - your taste buds, your sight, smell etc. Slow your eating rate right down so you can savour the experience of eating. Whatever you are going to eat and for whatever reason, make a commitment to truly experiencing the food before you swallow. Many people find when they employ this technique they feel genuinely sated on more than just the physical level.

This, if done consistently will turn something on in you again. It's hard to explain what it is, but it's there and it's to do with being fully conscious of food again, and will help you on your path to recovery.

I wish you the very best of luck,

Love,
Johleen x

Johleen, thank you so much for the response and advice. I realize that it takes a while for things like intuitive eating to come back in to practice, and for myself I think it's been out of whack for so long it's almost more normal for me to have disordered eating. It's definitely important for me to stop being critical of myself and to be more patient and accepting of my body. I've made huge strides in the past year, but that is something I still struggle with a lot. I've noticed trying to help others be more accepting of themselves helps me, too; if my roommate says something like "I feel so fat" or "I'm going to be bad and eat some ice cream," I try not to encourage those kind of statements and help her understand that wanting or eating food considered "unhealthy" is not a bad thing, especially since she eats a balanced diet. Now if I could only put that into practice with myself...it's a learning process, I know, and I need to be patient!

Hi again,

Yes it definitely is a learning process, most of all learning about yourself.

If I could give one more tip it would be to stop being patient! I know this may sound counter intuitive, and I don't at all mean to stop any process of self-love.

What I mean by this is, get super-determined. Start to craft a desire in yourself to get better that is warrior-like. Get really clear on what you want from life. Think of yourself, not as someone who has anything wrong with them, but as someone who has walked a path of fire. Accept the pain that you have felt and use it to fuel a new you, a you that, no matter how many times you get knocked down, you will carry on fighting to beat this and to find a way that will bring you balance and joy in your life.

It takes an enormous leap of faith to stop the self-critiscm, I know! But, when you make the decision to put ALL self-shame behind you, this will propel you forwards towards the healing you desire.

Any healing has to start in the mind and the soul. And if there's one thing I've learned, continuing to think of yourself as someone that 'needs fixing' actually just makes it harder to get better.

Practice connecting with the part of you that is S-T-R-O-N-G. I know she's there. A powerful technique is to journal everyday, specifically exploring and finding and connecting with the strong and warrior-like aspect of yourself. The you that is and will be the hero of your life's story.

This incredible inner strength is another thing that so many people with eating disorders have in common, though it is little recognised.

The strength and will-power it takes to deal with an eating disorder and to live and function in society hiding their secret is enormous.

It's there, use it, be proud of it. And turn it to your advantage and well-being.

Love,
Johleen x