Am i a switch? suggestions needed

Hi, I do not know even where to start, and I hope someone will be patient enough to read me and answer.

I am an almost 40 yo guy. My first experience with a kind of sex happened when I was really young, probably under10. It was a game between me and my sister, decided by her. It should be a sort of punishment of both of us. First I had to punished her by touching her genitals. It was a gentle touch, no pain, bt with an idea of punishment involved. Then it should have happened to me, same thing, but she finally changed her mind, the game stopped and I never spoke about it with her again.

I could remember some very early masturbations thinking about punishments later, and for many years I thought of sex like a somehow alternation between touching genitals with hands one to the other. It took me years to enjoy normal sexual imtercourses and , still now, I prefer the ones with an alternation of me, and her on top. I often like to phantasize about stories of sexuale revenge, usually with me as the dominant at first, and sub at the end. Also phantasies with me as a girl, bit I have never liked men sexually.

I have always been interested in bdms for those reasons, and , if I have to, I could maybe define myself as a switch, more inclined to masochism.
But, actually, I do not love many of normal bdsm relationships. I hate the idea of being , intellectually, a slave, or a master. I hate leather. I always like the idea of punishments as a dare only. A game, usually random, with both (or more people) suffering pain (or humiliation, but pain better) ad a dare. The reason is that I find totally not erotic people that want to be sub. I hate the idea of violence, rape, etc, too. So the only way is to set up a game, where we both pretend to hope not to pay the dare, and perform it on the other one instead.

I have and have had normal relationships with girls. Some of them, the one I have now, for example, know about my phantasies, but no one was or is interested in my same things.

I have had some little experiences only by chat messenger, with games and random dares, ordered by one of us and performed by us, alone on ourselves. They have been extremely exciting, even if we did not do that much.

I really don' t know what to do. 'Normal' sex is always less interesting for me. The Bdsm world look very unattractive as well. Apparently I am very excited only wth people exactly like me, and also unexperienced like me. So, if you have any suggestion, or any similar experience, I tahnk you in advance.