self destructive behavior induced by sexual interest?

I guess I'm gonna start out like everyone else and say I have a problem even though I know I don't. This all started when I was either 13 or 14 I developed a deep attraction to BDSM; ever since then the interest has only ever grown. The entire lifestyle of i fascinates me in a non-sexual manner but then there's the pain and the discipline aspects of it which turn me on more than anything else. I've only willingly incorporated this into one relationship (which is ongoing) and it's going well because the other person has always wanted someone like me (so she says). I've always thought of myself as a freak for this, and up until recently I've been far too ashamed/embarrassed to share this dark secret with anyone, I mean I have an engraved obsession wit this stuff. I've also always had self destructive behavioral patterns: in middle school would cut myself and ever since I got into high school, I've been putting myself through unbearable amounts of mental/emotional torture. Said torture isn't directly related to my thinking of myself as a freak but I am curious - could these two things be related? I've thought it through and it makes a lot of sense but I think if I get some unbiased feedback it will help even more.

Thank you for any/all help you're saving my life, believe it or not.

It takes a great deal of strength to reach out like this, so kudos to you. Especially with something as misunderstood as BDSM. No, I am not a practitioner but I have had enough exposure to people from the legitimate world of BDSM to very impressed with how much class and responsible behavior they demonstrate. I am surprised no one has answered your thread for so long, I truly have no idea why (I can hardly call myself blameless) but for whatever it is worth I will give my take/reflection. I am hoping you have at least been able to maintain a stable place mentally such that it is still relevant to your situation.

Basic background, my life was very good up to late teens when 1 year of mania happened followed by 5 years of horrific memory-blurring depression with OCD self-punishment that was borderline psychotic (delusional in my case). This also included substance abuse on and off. I am now 5+ years in mental recovery also 5 years clean and sober. Relevant to BDSM is I have a couple of good friends who are a part of what I have come to know as the legitimate and healthy BDSM scene. They have jobs/careers and while they are quirky most of my friends are. One of them is a rather fine parent. What I understand is that at the core BDSM scene they have get-togethers that use socialization and group mentality as a background fail-safe guarantee on the enforcement the use of safe-words. I do not know how they go about inviting new people but I imagine it is a combination of demonstrated mental stability and BDSM interest of the person in question. I feel rather priveliged to know them, as they are all such good communicators who are very trusting and open with their lives as I try to be about my mental illness history. I have hope this sort of thing will not be something to be ashamed of someday. Everyone is different and what happens between consenting adults is whatever the hell they want to do to have a healthy sex life.

If it is possible you might want to speak to a sex therapist or a therapist that feels comfortable handling this subject (if they can't they should be professional enough to say so, ideally). Sorting out sexual feelings from stuff in your mental illness history is exactly the kind of thing that they excel in. Make sure you find someone you trust though.

Just a question but from your final few sentences I got a sense that mental illness self-inflicted pain is already separate from your pain that does something for you in a sexual context. Is this the case? Is your current partner someone you feel that you can trust? From the little I know trust seems to be absolutely key in any kind of BDSM play. Is your life otherwise on an even keel? Do you still deal with the symptoms you described from when you were younger? You seemed to describe mental/emotional pain that you were dealing with currently, is that correct?

For whatever it is worth, I want to offer my own view that I do not see what could possibly make you unacceptable or any way not worthy of respect and compassion.

I believe the two may be related, but not in the way you think. Often, BDSM is used to relieve a non-sexual need, in a sexual way. What better method could their possibly be!

Very happy for both of you that you found each other!

MissIve

Pain is the price we pay for being alive. We don't need to engage in self-destructive behavior to experience pain in our lives, in fact a lot of self-destructive behavior like overdosing on pain killers
is an attempt to escape from all the pains of ordinary life. Exercise is painful but it makes you stronger as long as you don't push yourself so hard you have a heart attack which you can also get by not doing anything more painful than being a couch potato, People watch horror movies to
prepare their psychological defenses for dealing with all the horrors we see everyday on the six o'clock news. Any obsession can be harmful to ourselves or others if we take it to the point where it blocks out everything else which is why we should try to connect with people who don't share our fascinations so they can give us reality checks when we start heading off the deep end. Every Sherlock Holmes needs a Doctor Watson. Being able to deal with pain better than most people
gives us an advantage in many situations but that gift shouldn't be wasted by putting yourself
in danger of serious injuries for no reason which I personally think you should be spanked for.