Am I A Sadist? What Am I?

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male, and I haven't the faintest clue what I am since I don't seem to fit any one diagnosis, paraphilia, and I don't fit the traditional definition of sadism since I don't want to cause any pain.

Let me start over. I showed interest in neither males nor females for the longest time, and as far as anyone else is concerned, I'm still practically asexual. In my head, that's another matter entirely.

The first time I was even aroused was when I read short story featuring a protagonist who was fattened up to total immobility. Because of that, I figured I was an adipophile and with the help of my mentor in college (who was a sexual psychologist), I came up with a regimen of behavioral therapy that progressively widened the divide between fantasy and reality.

But, over time, the fantasies became stale and I found myself widening the search net. Eventually I came up with maiesiophilia, amputees, bimbo transformation, inflation, and light bondage provided the person involved was sexually stimulated as opposed to in pain.

So, for a long time I figured I was way the hell all over the page and tried not to worry too much about it. Since I take the demons out for a walk every now and then, but never act on any impulses, I deemed it safe.

Until today, I was reading another short story, a horror piece which culminated in the protagonist learning the company he worked for was slowly draining the minds of its temps for some convoluted reason, eventually leaving them lifeless husks after they'd served their purpose.

Man, that got me off like nothing I'd ever felt before, and it hit me that all the paraphilias had one thing in common: control. The female involved wasn't being hurt physically, but she was slowly being robbed of control over her own life, her own body, and her own mind, being relegated to a disposable commodity that's cast aside once it's used up. As much as such dominance sickens me logically, and in real life I prefer sex partners to be my equal since they make for better conversation and day-to-day life that way, the concept sets of fireworks inside my skull.

So, I've got to ask, am I a sadist? What am I?

DullBoyJohn,

In my medically unqualified opinion, you are not necessarily a sadist. It sounds to me like you've discovered a cornucopia of different things that turn you on. Let's not assume that all these things spring from one paraphilia or interest, but there might be common threads in your turn-ons. I've noticed, for instance, that your list of interests includes scenarios of change in bodies or attitudes, from good girl to bimbo, from slim to pregnant, obese, or inflated, etc. It's also possible that you're a diverse person that just happens to have many interests in different unrelated areas. Most of us do...

Then there is the control issue you seem to have identified yourself. Many people have very specific fetishes related to hypnotism, tickling, balloon popping (or startling), bondage, and sneezing because of this control aspect. They fantasize about moments when their subject is either under their control, or at least outside of their own control. This can be fun to play with if you have a willing and consenting partner. Nothing to be ashamed of there if you negotiate their consent, because you may also find that there are those who fantasize about BEING the subject themselves and out of their own control.

I think it's pretty safe to say that if you don't like to imagine yourself inflicting pain on your fantasy subjects, that you're not a sadist. But then, you have people like myself who enjoy inflicting pain but only on those who enjoy receiving it. I might be hurting them, but they are getting off on it, and I enjoy that they are enjoying it. Is that sadism? Maybe, maybe not. The important thing is not to conflate power or control with sadism. Sadism can be a means to control, but control is not necessarily a means to sadism.

Mr. Michael

Thanks.

I don't think I was expecting such a well-thought and considerate response.

Do you know if there's a specific name for those who enjoy control like this? I know it's not male dominance, as all that I've read so far seems to focus on humiliation and degradation as opposed to relinquishing control to another person.

I wish I could help you, but I really don't know if there is a specific paraphilia label for this. I'm mostly curious as to why that would be important?

After all, any paraphilia is only considered a disorder if it causes distress to that person or harm to others. Your fantasies seem very healthy to me in those regards, and your only distress seems to come from not having a name for it.

The fantasies in your head don't have to be played out in life. In fact, sometimes they're much better when left in your head, as the reality can be disappointing

If you say you prefer your partners to be your equals, then cultivate your relationships in that way. I would encourage you, though, to share your fantasies with those you get involved with when they earn that trust from you. You don't have to have a name for it. Explain it best you can from top to bottom, every detail you can. Even though they may have no interest at all in the activities in your fantasies, their understanding and acceptance can be the last piece to find your integrated self, and your peace about it.

Not everyone would be so accepting of these fantasies, but let me put it to you this way: If you open that conversation with someone you trust, and you're not trying to recruit them to participate (Hey honey, let's get you pregnant to satisfy one of my kinks!), they will either have some understanding or at least strive for understanding with you. If they don't, well, I'd say that's indicative of a person you wouldn't want to commit too much more of your life to anyways.

My kinks are usually out on the table pretty fast when a relationship turns sexual. It's a good filter for identifying people that probably aren't worth my time. Everyone has things that turn them on that many would find odd. Those who are unwilling to understand mine are either judgmental hypocrites, or haven't found peace with their own kinks.

Mr. Michael

Perhaps it is rooted in fear. It sounds like you have sexual arousal when the subject of your fantasy has no control, thereby no power to reject you. A possibility?