Psychology behind BSM thoughts?

New guy here...I was just wondering if anyone had general information/source (particularly good books on the subject) regarding why certain people have the sexual fetishes they do.

Like me for example...why do I get off watching rape fantasies? It's not out and out rape, but I like watching things that involve women who are 'forced' into the situation. I also have a huge blowjob fetish, as in watching them. I hate watching women getting eaten out, and watching them kiss. Not that I don't like doing either to my partner. But I started to hypothesize that it has something to do with a semi-sadistic side of me?

I never really get off to watching people actually get hurt though, nor do I have any sexual fantasies involving actual violence. But I do catch myself thinking about killing people in various every day situations.

Anyone have any good starting points for my research/ideas of their own?

Hi, TheBunk! Could it be possible that you feel a need to get back at a woman who hurt you? Sorry, I don't know about any books, but you could try posting in more forums and asking about it.

As far as I know, the academic research into sexual fetishes has been inconclusive. People just like what they like, there is often no obvious "why?", and the variety of different fetishes that exist just astounds me. Just to name one example, there's a whole community of people who are sexually aroused by blowing up balloons, rubbing them against their body, and then overinflating and popping the balloons. It's mind boggling to me, but really fascinating.

Anyway, your tastes are a little outside the mainstream of society, but among the BSDM subculture there's nothing unusual at all about you.

TheBunk29, has long has you respect the 3 "sacred" rules (safe, sane, concensual) of BDSM I guess you will be okay, and not doing anything wrong

I can personally attest to using sexual fetishes/perversions/BDSM/role play as a coping mechanism for various traumatic experiences I have experienced. I would even go so far as to say that my sexual fantasizing and fixation based on painfull events is my method of healing the pain, and transcending the trauma.

For example, I had a very painful experience being cheated on and then left by my girlfriend. The incident scarred me,. and shortly later I found myself extremely aroused by cuckold fantasies(imagining my wife/girlfriend with another guy). The more I indulged this fantasy, the more my pain seemed to release, and the stronger I felt. I eventually was able to completely forgive the people who had hurt me and move to become much more confident in dating.

Also being submissive in BDSM power play has profoundly helped me overcome my inferiority complex and social phobias.

If anyone has any books or scientific references directly relating to this topic, I too would be very interested.

nerdmaufia wrote:I can personally attest to using sexual fetishes/perversions/BDSM/role play as a coping mechanism for various traumatic experiences I have experienced. I would even go so far as to say that my sexual fantasizing and fixation based on painfull events is my method of healing the pain, and transcending the trauma.

For example, I had a very painful experience being cheated on and then left by my girlfriend. The incident scarred me,. and shortly later I found myself extremely aroused by cuckold fantasies(imagining my wife/girlfriend with another guy). The more I indulged this fantasy, the more my pain seemed to release, and the stronger I felt. I eventually was able to completely forgive the people who had hurt me and move to become much more confident in dating.

Also being submissive in BDSM power play has profoundly helped me overcome my inferiority complex and social phobias.

If anyone has any books or scientific references directly relating to this topic, I too would be very interested.

While I don't have any books or references to this topic I feel the same way. I think that my sexual fantasies arose out of my own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. I too have cuckold fantasies, although I've never acted upon them. I was not cheated on by my girlfriend but was hurt after we broke up. This was quite a few years ago and I haven't been with anyone since. I have extreme fears ad hang up when it comes to dating. If there is such a thing as dating phobia, I must have it.

I've always had an interest in bdsm with me playing the submissive part. Again, I've never actually indulged in it, but at times became fixated on the fantasy of being overpowered and dominated by woman. Then I fantasize about being cuckolded. I know it's my way of dealing with the fear and feelings of inferiority that I have. I have sexual problems that maybe I'll get into later. Because of this I feel like no woman would want me. So be fantasizing about being a sub and cuckold I think it's my way of dealing with these feelings.

Hello NobodySpecial,

Please feel welcome to start your own topic, to ask questions or share more of your experiences.

I have sexual dysfunction and domination fantasies, so I may be able to understand where you're coming from.

I would be surprised if there really is no woman who would want you. Although people tend not to talk about it so much, many are interested and attracted to a whole range of things, not just what we consider 'normal'.

Perhaps a more difficult problem for you is finding self-acceptance, so that you feel you deserve to be wanted and loved?

Platypus wrote:Perhaps a more difficult problem for you is finding self-acceptance, so that you feel you deserve to be wanted and loved?

Hi Platypus,

Thanks for the welcome. You are right. Finding self acceptace is a major problem for me. It's something I do need to work on.

It seems to me that you like the idea of having a woman be completely submissive. This may stem from some inner anger against women or just the fact that you really want devotion from people and happen to be attracted to women, or both.

The "consensual rape" fetish is not super common, but is not as rare as you might think it is, and as long as its ALWAYS consensual, it's not a huge problem.

I'm a bit unclear on what you're saying, though. Do you only like watching this in porn, or would you also like to try it?

If you only like watching it, then it might be a voyeuristic thing perhaps stemming from something you witnessed as a child (I know that I have an enjoyment of watching two gay men together stemming from seeing two boys making out as a child). Though don't freak out about that, I'm not saying you saw a rape, I'm saying maybe you saw something in which the woman was very submissive to the man. And maybe you saw nothing at all, and this stems from someting else entirely.

If you also want to do it, then it's probably for the reasons I mentioned above. You want extreme devotion from a woman, and have a need for power. Rape is mainly about power and control, so wanting to simmulate it in my opinion means wanting power and control.

NobodySpecial wrote:

nerdmaufia wrote:I can personally attest to using sexual fetishes/perversions/BDSM/role play as a coping mechanism for various traumatic experiences I have experienced. I would even go so far as to say that my sexual fantasizing and fixation based on painfull events is my method of healing the pain, and transcending the trauma.

For example, I had a very painful experience being cheated on and then left by my girlfriend. The incident scarred me,. and shortly later I found myself extremely aroused by cuckold fantasies(imagining my wife/girlfriend with another guy). The more I indulged this fantasy, the more my pain seemed to release, and the stronger I felt. I eventually was able to completely forgive the people who had hurt me and move to become much more confident in dating.

Also being submissive in BDSM power play has profoundly helped me overcome my inferiority complex and social phobias.

If anyone has any books or scientific references directly relating to this topic, I too would be very interested.

While I don't have any books or references to this topic I feel the same way. I think that my sexual fantasies arose out of my own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. I too have cuckold fantasies, although I've never acted upon them. I was not cheated on by my girlfriend but was hurt after we broke up. This was quite a few years ago and I haven't been with anyone since. I have extreme fears ad hang up when it comes to dating. If there is such a thing as dating phobia, I must have it.

I've always had an interest in bdsm with me playing the submissive part. Again, I've never actually indulged in it, but at times became fixated on the fantasy of being overpowered and dominated by woman. Then I fantasize about being cuckolded. I know it's my way of dealing with the fear and feelings of inferiority that I have. I have sexual problems that maybe I'll get into later. Because of this I feel like no woman would want me. So be fantasizing about being a sub and cuckold I think it's my way of dealing with these feelings.

I have cuckold fantasies too, the theory is that a man with a cuckold fantasy uses it to relieve the stress of feeling inadequate in comparison to other males. Another aspect of the theory is that by accepting the defeat of your male ego you are escaping from the burden of the traditional male gender role with its emphasis on competition with other males to win the prize of having sex with females.