BDSM

Serendipity wrote:ultimately coerce them into a practice that is not something they would normally do. The victims of this suffer grave consequences when they are ultimately devalued and discarded by a person who only sought to gain gratification via objectification and humiliation.

I agree with the part about coercion. It's probably safer to use the BSDM personals sites, where you are interacting with people who already know what they want and what they are into.

Sintara wrote:I'm a dominant woman who can never find a submissive man. *sigh* I've lost lovers because "I'm too kinky".

Have you tried BSDM hookup sites? Someone mentioned alt.com, there's also collarme.com which is free.
I have a slight fascination with this topic that I've been developing recently. Haven't tried it yet, but maybe with the right partner...

sfguy wrote:Have you tried BSDM hookup sites? Someone mentioned alt.com, there's also collarme.com which is free.

No because I'm no longer looking. I'm faithful to my husband. I meant I could never find the right guy when I was looking. Now I'm just with a vanilla man and sexually frustrated.

Hi! I've never really tried it, but I do am curious about experiencing BDSM. I see that most women here like to be submissive, not my case - I've had the urge to dominate, to spank, to whip, to tie, etc... I like the whole BDSM scenario: the environment, the clothes, the acessories... As for the D I'm not so much into it. I like spanking, biting hard, giving orders, tying, but that's kinda an isolated act for me, it is not a continuous domination - it is a sexual act but not the course of the relationship.

I had initiated some BDSM with my ex-boyfriend, he was a little reluctant and we never got to "the good part". For example I never got to whip. I actually controled myself on this one because I didn't want to make him bleed and I was sure I wouldn't be able to control myself if I had a whip - but boy, how I fantasasied about it!

Now it will take some time for me to convince my new boyfriend to try it, but I'm not in a hurry. It's "funny" how I feel less of an urge to dominate my current boyfriend; I guess the other one gave me more domination urges because he was more of a "macho man".


I do not agree with those who say it is absurd or abnormal to feel such urges - we spend all our lives trying to be on control, so for some of us we like to let go and just be submissive and for others we like to gain that extra control, that "ultimate satisfaction" of being in charge, of commanding.

S. Danielle King wrote:
I had initiated some BDSM with my ex-boyfriend, he was a little reluctant and we never got to "the good part". For example I never got to whip. I actually controled myself on this one because I didn't want to make him bleed and I was sure I wouldn't be able to control myself if I had a whip - but boy, how I fantasasied about it!
.

Getting dominated might be kinky - but being whipped until I bleed is WAY too much.

Parador wrote:Getting dominated might be kinky - but being whipped until I bleed is WAY too much.

Hi parador! Well, as I said, it is not that I trully wanted to make him bleed - I had the urge to whip him, but did not wanted to cross too much boundries or hurt him in an unpleasurable way; blood was/is not a part of my fantasies - thus I decided it would be better not to have a whip; it's just that I wanted to whip so hard, felt the urge to do it with such strenght, I was just afraid I wouldn't control myself and it would get that extreme - so, I didn't do it. Being able to dominate takes a whole capacity to dominate the other, but aswell to "dominate" ourselves - in a way discipline goes both ways.

Sintara wrote:No because I'm no longer looking. I'm faithful to my husband. I meant I could never find the right guy when I was looking. Now I'm just with a vanilla man and sexually frustrated.

are you sure there is no way you're husband might be interested in it? I mean, maybe if you work your way to it: start with some blindfolds, cuffs, some hand spanking, some hard biting - you know, simple stuff. Make him like wearing the cuffs and being tied up, even if you do have normal sex with him. Introduce some kinky (but not too much) lingerie into the mix, some "environmental changes" in the bedroom... Then you can work your way up to something greater.
Of course that it might be that rougher things are closed to you.

I also would advise you to introduce this with few regularity; continue to give him regular sex; once in a while introduce these things, and try to get the feedback from him - if he starts getting into it, maybe you can have your experience.

I like aspects of BDSM...
The full blown thing scares me a lot, though.

I'm not into pain so much as being told what to do... and then there is a punishment.
I like the force but not the pain... which is hard to look for a Dom for.
My bf does it well, when he feels like doing it.
He's pretty vanilla... but whatever.
That's better than the guys who just want to beat on someone...
Which is the only other kind of Doms around here, really.

Le sad.

I love BDSM play. I wouldn't be able to live the lifestyle 24/7 but I find it keeps a sex life fresh and exciting. Mainly I prefer the submissive role but the dominant role can always be fun too!

Well BDSM covers a wide range of sexual kinks and styles. There are some who adhere to rigid rules, form groups and have definite concepts about what they are doing. There are some who have a multitude of casual encounters, and there are some who are married with kids.

i am a submissive masochist (also borderline) and i am in a part time relationship with a dominant sadist. i met him through alt.com and he lives 500km from me. i have 3 kids, divorced after 14 years. i am 49 years old. i have a PhD in plant chemistry and was a university lecturer. a champion of women's liberation.... and now i am his slave.

because i have the children every second week, i spend every second week with him. he drives here once a month and i drive there once a month. we have a great life as we are both semi-retired. we go out to national parks, we go out to restuarants, we go shopping at woolies, we cuddle on the lounge and watch dvd's. we are, in every respect, a loving couple.

i love pain and humiliation. i endured a fantasy life with vanilla after vanilla relationship, that became increasingly fantastic. and then, after my marraige ended, and i was alone and bereft, i started inflicting those fantasies on myself. tying myself up, and experimenting with all sorts of pain. filled with desire but not knowing why.

then i heard a woman talking about bdsm at a party one night and BING! i knew who i was. so i got straight onto alt and after a couple of go nowhere Doms, but great learning experiences, i found what i was looking for and the person i needed. but yes, BE CAREFUL with online sites. they have gone downhill in recent years. and there are many who are there for the wrong reasons.

oh look at me, sounding so flippant. i was terrified, my thinking split so much that i felt like i was splitting in two. i was conflicted, afraid, confused. but determined...

i don't bother questioning who i am anymore, or why i am this way. i used to question why he is the way he is also, but i don't bother with that anymore.

bdsm is not about violence. he has never been violent with me. it is about making fantasies come to life.

as far as pain goes, if i decide i don't want him to do something to me, he doesn't. there is no coersion whatsoever. i run the show.

the sex is exciting, the experiences intense. it can be emotional, but at the end, we always cuddle up. And that is the best part of all.

we have only been going at this for 18 months so it is still a big learning curve for me. but there is a sense of an arrangement that is very fundamental, a sense of attachment or belonging that i have never felt before. and in that arrangement i have found love and security, and that has allowed me to be free. he owns me. i belong to him. and visa versa.

anyway, i guess what i am trying to say, is that bdsm can be just about weird sex and that's it. but for many others it is about much more than sex. it can also be the basis of a strong relationship.

but then again......maybe i just have some warped borderline view of things (as usual)

I have been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for quite some time. Reading through this thread, I saw mention alt.com and collarme.com. PLEASE be very careful, if you choose to go there. You may find the rare exception, but many of the members are 1) predators, 2) posers or 3) PDs. There are some truly honest people too but it’s really hard to distinguish.

Another poster mentioned fet.com. Great site. Love it. Go there and find a LOCAL, REAL LIFE group. Join the group. Go to the meetings and events. If you meet someone, check on him/her to see if he/she has a rep in the community. Believe me, if someone is trouble, there will be info out there about him/her.

In the event you decide to go the route of personals, DO NOT play with someone the day you meet. Meet him/her in a well-lighted, populated place. To tell the truth, a good Top/Dom(me) will refuse to play until they know you. HAVE A SAFE WORD! Yes, you are submitting but you aren’t giving over your life.

I could write forever about this, but, well, that’s not why I am at this site. Feel free to PM me any time if you want more information. I can’t access much from the work computer, but I can from home.

BDSM can be fun. Participants have different needs and limits. Most people hear the term and think it’s kinky sex. While that is true in some respects, it isn’t always. BDSM is a combo of:

BD = Bondage and Discipline. This can very often have nothing to do with sex. It isn’t necessarily about pain either. (I enjoy bondage. Something about being tied up is very liberating.)

DS = Dominance and Submission. This is centered around the relationship more than certain acts. In simple terms, think about a Teacher/student or Guard/inmate relationship. Ds is much more complex, of course. I am sexually submissive. But I have friends in the lifestyle who are 24/7 with their Dom(me)s and live the life.

SM = Sadism and Masochism. This is about giving and receiving pain. May also have nothing to do with sex. My BF enjoys receiving pain. If he is being flogged or whipped, he does not have sex with his Top. Then again, he loves to torture me and that is one form of foreplay for us.


I have to add one more thing here. A poster mentioned choking his GF. Breath play can be extremely dangerous. And trust me, if something goes wrong, NO ONE will care if it was consensual. YOU WILL be prosecuted. I’m not saying not to do it, but be careful. If you can, find a local group and a mentor.

<climbing off soapbox and going back to work>