Sub confused to introduce BDSM to partner

Hello there I have a question I would like to ask.

I have had BDSM fantasies for a long time now, and they became stronger than ever, I wish to be controlled and submitted but I am afraid to open this topic to my partner. I've been in a nine year relationship which is pretty much what you call Vanilla, however I have strong desires for him to dominate me. I am afraid to introduce him to this dark fantasy of mine, because I am ashamed of my guilty pleasure and I am terrified of loosing the balance of our relationship, that with introducing this kind of relationship, it would ruin it, and I really love him and I definitely would not want to loose him over this fantasy of mine. I am afraid that our relationship would not be the same, and that his attitude towards me would change.

Also I think he is pretty submissive, and I don't think he would do well as a dom. I wish to stop desiring this kind of fantasy, but at the same time I sometimes don't feel completely fulfilled with just an ordinary sexual relationship.

Hello Idontknowwhat, I'm sorry you are having difficulties with your realtionship and I hope that my advice is at least a little helpful.

My general advice in a situation like this is just to tell your partner about your fantasies, and I feel much the same in your situation. Sure, the relationship has been vanilla for quite a long time and I absolutely understand the fear that revealing this information to your partner will "change everything" and how you don't want to lose him. But quite simply, you want your relationship to change. You just want that change to be in a positive way. Currently you sound a little unhappy in your relationship, so I highly doubt that you want that to remain constant. But, if you don't tell your partner about your fantasies constant it will remain: You don't currently feel fulfill and ignoring this problem is just going to make it worse and possibly even breed resentment. Communication is infinitely important in all relationships, and by telling him you are opening a new avenue of communication and potentially making your relationship significantly stronger (and at the very least not making it any weaker). So you should tell him. That's basically the long and short of it.

Also, you don't necessarily have to phrase your fantasy as a demand: Maybe ask your partner if he would be okay with experimenting with a little bit of light BDSM play (tying your hands with silk scarves, a light spanking, being more forceful during sex and telling you what he wants, etc.), and telling him that you'll be happy to experiment with one of his fetishes (either one you know or you could ask him to tell you some if he hasn't already. Heck, this might be a good time to just talk about your various fetishes and "spice" up your sex life. That might even be enough) in return. If he's not interested, then that's fine too. Just tell him that you're currently unsatisfied with the sex in your relationship and that sort of stuff is what you're into. Maybe your partner will be willing to compromise on certain aspects, so you don't get exactly what you want but you get significantly more BDSM play than you would otherwise. Maybe he turns out to be a great Dominant and ends up really enjoying the play and wants to do more of it and do it more often. Or maybe he outright refuses becasue it's against his moral virtues or he doesn't find the idea arousing in the slightest. Well, then at least you tried. But has your situation actually gotten any worse? No. You're still unsatisfied with the sex in the relationship, and still unhappy. So in reality, you have very little to lose and quite a lot to gain here should you decide to tell him.

As for the idea that telling him about your BDSM fantasies would change his opinion of you, that might be true at first but you're still the same person. Just like how when we open yourselves up to other's judgment and they react poorly it hurts us, so too will it be painful to see him reject this part of you. But you haven't fundamentally changed. As a matter of fact, he now technically knows you better than he did before. And I am of the belief that our romantic partners who we choose to spend the rest of our lives with should know us the best of all. Plus, it's really quit shallow for someone to change their entire opinion of a person based on a sexual fetish. If he doesn't know what BDSM is or has been educated that it's inherently abusive or bad, maybe you could try and get him to read some things that show otherwise. If he insists on judging you for your sexual desires, then why would you want to stay with him in the first place? I'm sure you could find a less-judgmental partner elsewhere. It will be hard to leave a long-term relationship like this, but if he is so unswerving in his negative opinions and rejection of who you are then it might be for the best.

Alternatively, if you absolutely do not want to pursue BDSM at all because it's degrading, offends your sensibilities, etc. and you hate the fact that you are having these fantasies then you need to stop thinking about BDSM. Quit cold turkey. No thoughts. Nada. Zip. Because should you force yourself to stop having these thoughts, eventually the fantasies and indeed the desire will likely fade away. This desire is only so strong because you keep feeding it. If you choose to starve it out, it will grow less strong and be significantly more manageable. But let me stress that it will not disappear from existence, but rather merely from consciousness. You will always be interested in BDSM in a submissive context and not thinking about it will not change that. It will just change the fact that you are consciously aware of that interest. So, while it's not a complete "cure" (as BDSM is not an "illness" and really cannot be "cured" as such) for the desires in question, this process will at least help to mitigate the "symptoms" associated with your desires for BDSM. But fixing the fact that you are unsatisfied with your sex-life? That's up to you.

Best of luck and best wishes with whatever path you choose to take,

-MJH

Hey first I would like to thank you for taking your time and replying to my post, secondly I found what you have said to be very helpful.

I did take your advice, and I did impart these desires to my bf. He was understanding and he likes it as well which is a good start, however I am still very much afraid to open up to this experience, I still hold back most of the time. The thing is that I have trust issues, that I feel that I cannot even share or be open with not even with the closest person to me. I am scared to trust him completely, I feel that I would lose my pride and dignity as a person if I completely submit to him. I have an irrational fear that he might turn out to be a person who may take advantage of me if I am lay myself out so vulnerably (although I highly doubt that).

Also he likes the 'fantasy' in which he would take me forcefully, this idea scares the living hell out of me despite that in truth I do like it as well. Rape had always been something that terrifies me even though strangely enough I like the 'fantasy' of it. I am scared to trust him as much as to give myself away so openly and I am ashamed to confide in these feelings.

I think I like the fantasy that I mentioned before because of the play of power, the idea of having no control over myself and that another person is taking control over me, the same way I like M/S relationships. However I have a lot of mismatched feelings about this, I love it at the same time I am terrified of it. It's just that I don't think that some fantasies can be truly safe and fulfilling in reality as they are in fantasy.