All the confusion... Can I help?

I've been reading through this forum for a while now, and have seen so many questions from subs and hopeful subs/Dom(me)s about safety and identity and love and consent... I feel I must announce myself. I am a lifestyle Domme who has also been a pro for 20 years. I am also a LMHC. Please, if you don't know where you are coming from or where you are going, ask questions! I'm happy to tell you what I can. BDSM is a complex and beautiful coupling, just like any other relationship you may engage in. The fear is understandable, the questions are valid, and the possibilities are endless if you understand your own POV. This is not an ad... I just want to help if you have questions. Happy explorations!

Yes maybe you can help me. I don't know what I am and it's actually making me really sad and angry all the time. Basically, I am someone who only seems to be able to derive sexual pleasure by being sexually pleasing to another person. Because of it I have not been with anyone in like 15 years and I feel like I won't be able to for a long time. I made a list last night of things I need to do before I can have sex with someone again:

- Lose 110 pounds
- Tummy tuck
- Liposuction on thighs
- Laser hair removal and bleaching
- Labiaplasty
- Laser Skin resurfacing on shoulders, inner thighs

And I started sobbing because this is gonna take me like two years and I will be almost 40. But the thing is this isn't just vanity, I literally can't enjoy sex unless I am like the perfect object. There is nothing more horrifying for me than feeling like a guy is disappointed because I'm not what he was hoping for and he's basically just pity ######6 me.

Recently I decided I must be submissive, because these all seem like submissive impulses. Is that right? To primarily obtain pleasure by giving it, or by being enjoyed for the pleasure of someone else? I think one of the reasons I was raging about it on here is because I hate that it's true about myself and I would basically give anything to be able to be a little more selfish. I mean I know if I got into a BDSM relationship I wouldn't be able to enforce any limits of any kind, ever. Which makes me think maybe I do have a "submissive nature" or something.

It also hurts because it makes me feel hate and envy and self-loathing every time I come across another female who is more pleasing/more of a perfect object than I am. Like if she is prettier, younger, if she is willing to be more submissive/subservient, if she has fewer limits, etc. Which is another reason I kept raging on here, I think. I mean it would be very upsetting for me to be a live-in sex slave who scrubbed floors all day, I couldn't sit quietly while my Dom/bf ###$ other girls, there's pain stuff I can't handle without painkillers. But at the same time it would drive me insane not to do it because that means I am not what he wants or dreams of. And there are all these girls on here who will do it and it's like, how can I possibly measure up? Does any of this make sense?

Sorry, again, maybe this has nothing to do with BDSM. I just don't know of any other fetish that comes close.

Also to clarify, I do get envious of women who are more submissive, but I also worry about them. It's not just me attacking them because I feel inferior. I hear women say "I want to explore my submission and become more deeply submissive," and it just makes me want to put my arms around them and say "No!! Please don't! You will end up like me!" I also got really triggered when a slave on here was talking about teaching the art of submission to other women. Because it's like, Why would you want to do that to another woman? Shouldn't we be teaching girls to be more assertive? That's what I would want to learn! I would pretty much kill to be a Domme like you or even close.

I have read a few other threads lately from women with the same issues, or similar:

http://www.psychforums.com/sexual-dysfunctions/topic130245.html
http://www.psychforums.com/bdsm/topic163937.html
http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/topic163411.html#p1684056

Sorry I know this probably sounds really insane and emotional but I am literally on the edge of tears writing it. Thank you for reading.

Excuse me Ma'am,

I was wondering if you could help me.

I'm a girl who's never actually been in a BDSM (or any kind) of relationship before but have a big desire to be dominated. I identify as a switch but usually lean more towards submission but because of my dominant side i keep control of myself most of the time and am my own dominate, it's a weird situation and probably not the healthiest but it usually works cuz i can calm myself down and give myself orders which keeps me grounded. Here is my issue. I'm also in charge of my own punishments (obviously) but as a masochist i forget about moderation and making the punishment fit the crime. I often punish myself instinctively without pausing and thinking about what i've done and what i need to do about it (i have a lot less control in these times). I get embarrassed easily and with no one to stop me i often immediately do something to hurt myself after an event has happened even though i know if i had a dominant they would not punish me for it. I imagine it's like a coping mechanism in the face of embarrassment. Anyway, my main issue is that i need to learn control but also i need a better outlet in these situations (i don't care if it's still punishment or something completely different) I just know that pain tends to clear my head. My issue it that i've never had a good outlet/punishment set up that helps me out in these situations. At first it was just straight up hitting myself (usually on the arm/face/leg) but obviously doing that instinctively in front of those people around me was a very bad thing and raised questions, i then switched to digging nails into my arm/any other patch of skin but this caused breakages and issues i wasn't comfortable with having to deal with, now i choke myself. It works as a great outlet and isn't visible but i know it's very dangerous, plus as a singer i really don't want to damage my throat. The problem is even though i don't want to do it anymore because it's bad for me, i feel programmed and seem to do it instinctively to calm myself. Is there anything you can think of that might be less dangerous/visible but will allow me to ground myself when this type of urge sets in.

Thank you for your time and assistance, Ma'am.