First time Sub... feeling nervous

To start, thank you in advance for reading this.

I am a first time submissive about to start training with my Dominant. We have engaged in some play, and all of it has been very much to my liking. I've been interested in this for quite some time but have not met a man I trust to be my dominant until now. I trust him completely. Not only are we connected sexually but also emotionally. We have been close for many months and talk every day. He does live a far away which has forced us to get to know each other slower. I know he will not hurt me beyond what I enjoy.

I'm nervous because I am very strong and dominant in my every day life. I am only submissive with him. I'm not nervous about him, rather I am nervous about pushing aside my natural instinct to protect myself and learning how to give myself to him completely.

Hello Sorrel,

I saw this today and felt a need to reply...


"I'm nervous because I am very strong and dominant in my every day life. I am only submissive with him. I'm not nervous about him, rather I am nervous about pushing aside my natural instinct to protect myself and learning how to give myself to him completely."

In my past time of BDSM. I have learned that not (all) subs are the type that look down at the floor all the time and never ask for themselves.
As a matter of fact, I have personally met High-level Corp exec men that joined the group simply to be involved in a place where they are not required to make decisions or be responsible for the high-level mistakes due to the fact that they are only doing what they are told ...

Normally, I would have expected these sort to laugh at the idea of being punished by a woman due to the fact that they have more than enough money to call in any female-type that they desire.
But, there seems to be a common need in many like this to simply quit making decisions and just do what they are told for a while.

Maybe you had a very Dominant father that in retrospect, you wish might have been a longer or more-loving sort of thing ?

Believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one that may have had a lot of dominance in their family only to become a social powerhouse that feels a bit empty inside.

My hope for you is that this new man you now know is decent and realizes when (enough is enough).

I would say he is training you but, you are also testing him out as well.

Ask the lad if he has a set of rules for you and are there any (safety words) he thinks you should learn for your times together ?

My understanding of your situation is that you may find this sort of thing such a release inside,

That you might never go back to the Vanilla ways again...

Send me a note sometime if you like, have Fun

Sorry this is so late but I wanted to thank you for your reply firmbutkind.

So far everything is going well. As of yet we've not needed safe words. My Dom is very caring and attuned to my needs. He does push me but in a good way. Our relationship has evolved more towards DD/lg actually and thought neither of us knew that's what we wanted we are happy with it.

I do find it hard to not know anyone else who is into BDSM. Particularly DD/lg. I can't talk about it with my vanilla friends, as much as I wish a could. They aren't comfortable with it.

I guess in time I will meet more people who are interested in it.

Thanks again.

Hello, sorry to necro this, but OP I'm wondering if you're still around? You sound a bit like me. I will PM you as well. Thanks.

Hi,

I am new here, so I'm not sure if I should use the Post Reply button to pose a related topic. Anyway, I am also a first time sub. I met someone online who is a Dom. I am willing to explore my potential as a sub, but I am not willing to do ass-f**ng (I don't know what else to call it), but my Dom is really into it. I don't see myself doing it sometime in the future, so I am really torn right now. I am emotionally invested in him, but I don't think he will be truly satisfied if I don't fully submit to him. Should I just forget about it? Please advise.

Thank you.

Hey Sub in Doubt,

I think you basically just summed up the most problematic thing about this lifestyle. I've seen the question repeated on here by a number of Subs: how am I supposed to say no to this person when I have feelings for him? Especially when I'm submissive, and it's hard for me to say no anyway?

When I look at it rationally, I know that no sane Dom would want his Sub to do anything that made her feel seriously injured, disrespected or violated, just so he could satisfy one particular fetish. That doesn't make it any easier to set that limit though. I've seen many Subs talk about how setting limits and using safewords makes them feel guilty, unworthy and inadequate.

I came into this lifestyle thinking I'd set soft limits around anal and throat, like they'd be sometimes okay depending on context and how I'm feeling. Having spent a couple of months looking at kink on the internet, I now feel those acts are mandatory. How can I say no to things that are practically vanilla at this point? The web is full of pain sluts who will seemingly do anything.

I guess the right answer is that if your Dom can't respect that you have this boundary, then he really shouldn't be your Dom, or anyone's Dom. That's not gonna make it any easier to leave someone you care for tho'. :/

Thank you for the reply, it puts new perspective to my worries. And you're right about me feeling inadequate being unable to satisfy his fetish. We haven't played a scene yet, but he is openly honest about what he wants from the get-go and he made concessions, but I did something wrong and now anal has become a sort of punishment. This made things even more difficult for me.

Okay I'm sorry to say it but this sounds really sketchy to me. Using a limit as punishment is a major no. This is not supposed to be difficult or scary or emotionally painful for you. This is supposed to be fun and pleasurable and loving. It should make you feel good, turned on, safe, cared for.

A real Dom is not actually selfish. His sub's pleasure and arousal are paramount. He likes having control because he loves seeing a woman react to what he's doing to to her. He loves seeing her shiver, feeling her heart race, hearing her cries of pleasure. He loves making her wait to come, beg to come, making her come over and over again. It is about her and her responses and reactions to him.

There's another thread on here where a seasoned Dom gives really good advice to a new Dom: http://www.psychforums.com/bdsm/topic160296.html. He describes how he would behave with a new sub and I think it's spot on:

JamesOz wrote:For a more intense BDSM session (again, go slowly) ideally tie her, with her hands overhead, to an overhead (ceiling) point, if that's not possible then spread-eagled on the bed. At this stage I suggest you, securely, blindfold her but *do not* gag her. I suggest the blindfold to provide a degree of anonymity (no eye contact) but no gag because you are learning one-another and need clear and open communications.

Slowly, gently and carefully are the watchwords now that you have your beautiful naked lady tied and at your mercy.

Sensation play: an ice cube passed across her nipples, a stiff hairbrush down her back, a silk scarf across her breasts....

Impact play: make or buy some light floggers and paddles, perhaps a cane, use these (gently) over her body.

Whisper in her ear that "You are mine", "Totally at my mercy", "Mine to do as I wish with" and similar.

Observe her reactions to each of your actions, she won't say much, if anything, and you should not ask "How was that?". Learn to read her, what she likes what she doesn't. After your session is over a debrief is good. It takes time to get to know one another BDSM wise and only once you have achieved a connection will you be able to determine how far you both want to go down the road of power exchange.

The focus here is not on the Dom getting off at the sub's expense. At no point is he talking about kicking her to the curb if she won't do anal, or bitching about "concessions."

Here are some other links written by sane, conscientious Doms that I think underline what a healthy Dom sounds like:
https://bdsmfordummies.wordpress.com/2008/07/05/new-subs-guide-to-dominants/
http://kinkylittlegirl.net/2010/07/13/having-a-ds-relationship-why-she-wants-to-be-submissive/

I don't know everything about your situation, but it sounds to me like what you're dealing with is a selfish guy looking for a woman he can take advantage of. Submissives attract these guys like flies, unfortunately. I have drawn my share of them too.

Just to call it out, I don't agree with everything the author says in that second link: he's glorifying the 24-7 Master/Slave relationship in a way I dislike, and he's yet another person who seems to believe every woman secretly wants lots of anal.

What I think is noteworthy though is his attitude toward Subs. He is affectionate and loving and respectful. He appreciates the gift a Sub is giving when she surrenders to him and feels pride at being chosen. At no point is he judging her for what she will or won't do for him. My Dom is the least sexually selfish person I have ever met, which is what makes me want to give him everything I have.

SubinDoubt, I echo Callalily's issues with your Dominant's proposed punishment. While I tend to try and kep my own morals and judgments out of posts that aren't about me, I'm afraid I really can't do that here. What your Dominant is proposing, if I'm correct in my assumption as absolutely an unequivocally wrong. You do not use a limit as a punishment. Ever. Not even a soft limit. A punishment is absolutely not the place to explore these new and somewhat scary experiences. Because a punishment is not a request like other play involving limits is. It's a demand. And a punishment means that you don't get to say no (well, within the confines of the relationship anyway. You can of course say "no" and leave the relationship, but it's fairly doubtful that a Dominant will keep a submissive who refuses to be punished). And that's also unacceptable.

If you were more open to the idea of anal, and the punishment was to consist of something other than anal and then anal afterwords (i.e. a kind of "redemption" involved in the punishment and a restoration of being pleasing to your Dominant) then that would be different. Maybe. I'm very, very hesitant whenever someone adds an explicitly sexual act (such as intercourse) onto a punishment and even more hesitant when said person intends to use said explicit sexual act as the entirety of the punishment. If you wanted to explore anal with your partner becasue he wants it and you are okay with trying it because you want to please him, then that's fine. But if he's demanding it for some perceived infraction despite the fact that you are scared and do not want it, then that's most certainly not. Have you told your partner about your fears relating to anal? If not, then now is most certainly the time to do so. He might even change his mind about the punishment he wants to give you. If he does know, then I'd honestly advise against pursuing a relationship with him. If he intends to punish you with a sexual act that you do not want, that could mean that he intends to "break your spirit" (or "break you in") with this punishment, and to do so against your will. And again, I find that to be utterly repulsive and unacceptable.

If you want an alternative suggestion, that post Callalily quoted gives a decent amount of advice. If you want a more 24/7 perspective (as I'm not really sure what kind of a relationship you are getting into) my submissive and I actually did a joint response to the last thread Callalily began here http://www.psychforums.com/bdsm/topic168141.html where I talked a little about separating sensation play (or normal play) from punishment without crossing limits. It's a bit of a long read (as I'm rather verbose) but I think it's a pretty good explanation for how things should be done and will shed further light on why I'm so opposed to what your Dominant is intending to do to you.

And Callalily, with all due respect I think you're a little off-base here. First of all deeming BDSM as a whole problematic due to the fact that submissives find it difficult to say "no" to their Dominants on certain things is misguided. Even though I completely agree with your assertion that it's difficult for submissives to communicate with their Dominant's in general (as I've experienced this to what used to be a frustratingly common degree with my own submissive) I fail to see how this is a systemic problem as opposed to an individual problem. For instance, most of the things you reference in your examples are conclusions that the submissive in question (hypothetical or real, I do not want to falsely-attribute those thoughts to you) deduces without talking to their partner. For example, when the submissive in question comes to the conclusion that he or she must be like the "pain sluts" on the internet, he or she does not discuss this with his or her Dominant and determine what he or she wants. The problem here seems to be that the submissive individual is unwilling to communicate with their partner, as opposed to the idea that BDSM is oppressive (and thus problematic)in any meaningful or quantifiable way. While BDSM may be a contributor to the situation, I fail to see how it is the cause here. In fact, I suspect that this individual would likely have difficulties communicating with most partners as the feeling of "I need to say yes because I am submitting to this person" would be replaced by other justifications such as "I don't want to impose on this person, I should just keep quiet" or "It's not so bad, I can live with this", etc. This is the definition of a personal problem and as callous as it sounds, it's this individual's job to resolve this issue. This issue is also why I stress communication so frequently to other Dominants and submissives: If your partner doesn't know there's an issue then they absolutely can do nothing to resolve it. So, while I would agree with the general claim that this is a problem I find it less a problem with the system than with the individual in question. And the fix? Communication and education of course.

Second, I think I've talked about this with you before but I entirely disagree with you on the notion that Dominants are not selfish. I am very, very selfish. My pleasure matters more to me than my submissive's pleasure. That's the definition of selfish, right? However, my submissive's welfare, and well-being are also of paramount importance. Because I love her, and it lowers my pleasure when she is doing poorly, is upset, or is having difficulties. Additionally, if my submissive is upset she is less able to please me up to my expectations. Therefore, in order to derive the greatest possible pleasure from my submissive I often do things like cheer her up, talk her through her problems and empathize, etc. Not only because I want to do them (again, the whole "I love her" thing comes to mind here) but also because she will be more able to please me due to these things. It also pleases me immensely when I make my submissive orgasm. In fact, I think it might please me about as much as it does her. So I tend to do it. Quite a lot. See? Completely selfish. Now if I could only convince my submissive of that . Because she agrees with you. Completely. But I do agree that reactions are very important.

And ouch! Next you're going to tell me that all women don't secretly want to be tied up! But in all seriousness, most people start off by saying that they don't want to do anal, and that it's a hard limit (my submissive started off saying the same thing) and quite a few of those (not the majority by any means but a significant minority) do end up amending that. So, I think the issue is less that he thinks "all women secretly want anal" and more an experiential issue where all women he's dated or talked to initially said they didn't want anal but turned out being fine with it. It's less a problem of stereotyping and more a problem with egocentrism. But, I might be giving too much benefit of the doubt here. I tend to do that sometimes.

Best of luck and best wishes to all involved, and special thoughts to SubinDoubt and hopes that this situation is resolved quickly and satisfyingly,

-MJH