I've lost friends, It ruined my relationship

Hey everyone,

I'm a 21 year old male and was severely bullied at school mostly by women. Not only was I bullied but I had to deal with my own mother who has a mental illness and had to grow up quite quickly to look after her. Since about the age of 10 I've had big rape fantasy's and enjoy torture and watching violent porn on the internet. I was in a relationship for quite a long time with this lovely girl who helped me by allowing me to play out these fantasy's and experiment in risky BDSM like knife edge play and hitting.

Even tho it was all consensual she finally got sick of it after 5 years and got the police and courts involved. I was lucky enough to be found not guilty but at a cost and that was my friends / family finding out what I got into. I've lost many friends and only have a select few that understand and support me.

Other family members like my grandparents found out and started treating me differently to the point I asked them up front, "Do you see me in a different light now since everything that has happened?" They avoided answering the question told me to get out of there house and have since not heard from them.

How can I move on? I'm traumatised by the past bullying and have lost all trust in women because of what happened involving my past relationship. Please help me.

Thanks for reading.

Sympathies. What you describe is very akin to a gay person being pulled out of the closet instead of choosing to out themselves. Violent fantasies can be difficult for any outsider to understand and since all violent sex crimes originate at the fantasy stage many are likely to assume that yours will escalate to full blown, criminal action. That is not a predestined outcome and one that you can have easy control over. Another's misunderstanding you have very little control over. You can be open and honest with someone who approaches you with a sincere and non-judgemental question to help them better understand where you come from and how you process but you should not force your sexual mindspace on anyone without invitation. Vanillas can be squeemish and as uncomfortable as it sounds like your friends and family have become. Just be sure that if you pursue this lifestyle you first and foremost put the safety and the emotional health of your partner first. In fact that should be the concern that far outweighs your own satisfaction. The very best advice I can think of for you is to seek out a private sex and relationship councelor and just talk out a couple of sessions. It will likely be the most enlightening and best spent couple hundred bucks of your adult life. I am not talking long term therepy, just someone who can get your compass pointed in a better direction. First, you have to forgive yourself and shed some guilt, than you can look objectively at what you want to achieve in an intimate relationship and work towards that knowing, whatever those who have alienated you may think, you are acting in a way that does not harm anyone. Don't beat yourself up. I too was outed (under different circumstances but out is out) and it took a long while to create understanding between myself and my best friend. This S&M business is a little much for those who just don't feel it. So you can not force it. Goodluck.

P.S. Please be oh so careful with the knife thing. I am not just talking about accidents, a malicious person could easily set you up for even worse legal trouble than you have experienced. It doesn't take much to convince a well intended law enforcer that you are endangering some innocent young lady.

Thank you for you reply scemerift, Anyone else have any suggestions for me?