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New to BDSM Dom/Sub Questions

Postby Kaly » Sun May 26, 2013 3:33 pm

Hello everyone. I have some questions with regard to BDSM I'm new to it and confused about what I'm feeling right now.

I fantasize about being dominated, tied up, whipped etc. I have rape fantasies as well. The real turn on for me is the idea that I can't be "broken" by a man regardless how dominant his is. I have someone in mind he excites me because he's powerful and well kinda dark but he keeps it well hidden. We've been friends for a while.

Recently we experimented with ravagement. I wanted a full on fight. It was intense for me but I was left confused. He said that he wanted this experience to be totally for my pleasure. He says this a lot that his only concern is my pleasure. I guess that's a part of the dynamic I don't understand because down deep I want him to be doing it for himself.

We talked afterward and he told me he wants to watch me have sex with another man because by watching my face while someone is maybe giving me something he can't -he would "own" me, all of me.

Someone please explain this. He confuses me because he's being evasive. He wants to play with binding, and whipping so I have assumed that this is how a dominant male expresses. The watching part is confusing - if any dominant man out there can explain to me I would be grateful. What is the turn on with watching a woman who is into you, have sex with another man. How is this a way of possessing her?
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Re: New to BDSM Dom/Sub Questions

Postby Wally58 » Sat Jun 08, 2013 4:38 pm

Sorry, I'm new here and just noticed this hasn't been responded to.
It sounds like he is unavailable for acting out with you and that 'doing it for your pleasure' sounds like he has no real desire to commit to you and may not be the dominant/sadistic guy that you want him to be, dark side or not.
I get greatly aroused nowadays when I know that my spanking is going to happen.
I even wanted to watch it happen to someone else from an early age. My heart would pound and I would start breathing heavily and shaking. I was probably a voyeur at 6 years old!
Even though you want it to be a two-way street, he is denying that he wants to be a part of it with you.
My spouse is a vanilla. She will do what I ask for my pleasure and sometimes I wish that she would enjoy giving or getting it just as much as I do, but we are all different. There is a certain sadness in a one-sided fantasy.
Keep the long-term friendship. Since he now knows this side of you that you shared with him that he didn't know before, some interesting things may come of it. Again maybe not. Best of luck to you.
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Re: New to BDSM Dom/Sub Questions

Postby MJH2013 » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:12 pm

Well... this situation is quite interesting...

From what I can ascertain from your post, and if he is truly doing this for your pleasure you managed to find the rare submissive with a dark side. It is not an inherently dominant desire to please your partner. It is an inherently dominant desire to want pleasure for yourself and through pleasing yourself please your partner (how most Dominants function...well the good ones anyway...). Now, on the other hand, it is not an inherently submissive desire to please your partner (some people think this, and that is incorrect...) but it is a submissive desire to focus on only pleasing your partner. So, if he only wants to please you, he is submissive not dominant.

Now, as to your question, and moving away from your example relationship- some Dominants enjoy watching their submissives have sex with other people for a variety of reasons. The most common reason, is to have the submissive experience a new sensation or feeling the dominant themselves are uncomfortable, or unable to provide. The Dominant gains enjoyment through teaching the submissive a new thing, and in knowing that this knowledge will be used to please the dominant later, or simply to make the submissive a better sub. Another reason is some dominants enjoy (and get off on) having their submissives do things they otherwise would not do for the sole pleasure of the Dominant. For women who are monogamous this can include sleeping with, or playing with other partners while the dominant watches. Finally, some people are "poly" and enjoy playing with others, or watching such play occur. A Dominant who is poly may enjoy his submissive playing with another Dom, or sub solely by the fact that he is poly (I'm not poly...so I don't really understand this. Perhaps another in the community can help you more).

I hope that helped answer your question, and best of luck finding a dom to your sub.

-Master J H
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Re: New to BDSM Dom/Sub Questions

Postby ScienceAndCake » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:25 pm

Kaly wrote:
...I fantasize about being dominated, tied up, whipped etc. I have rape fantasies as well. The real turn on for me is the idea that I can't be "broken" by a man regardless how dominant his is...

...He said that he wanted this experience to be totally for my pleasure. He says this a lot...

...We talked afterward and he told me he wants to watch me have sex with another man...

...He confuses me because he's being evasive...


I have a dom/sub relationship with my girlfriend, so I have a fair bit of experience with this kind of thing.

I'm afraid you need to hear a brutal truth; this man isn't what you want him to be. You're trying desperately to make him fit a mold that he doesn't fit and, due to his desire for sex, he's pretending that he does fit it. But your instincts are right - his claim to be doing it totally for your pleasure is not a view consistent with dominance. His desire to see you with another man, whilst not wrong in itself and not totally unheard of for a dominant man, in his case almost certainly represents much more of a submissive attitude. I'm willing to bet there are other small indicators which tipy ou off to the fact he doesn't have the mindset you're looking for.

This isn't a dominant man. This isn't a submissive man either - this is a normal man trying desperately to fit in with what you're asking, and your own inexperience as a sub means you've missed this, even though it would be obvious to someone who wasn't so new to her desires. Go looking for a man on the actual kink scene, instead of trying to force that shoe onto a foot it's never going to fit.
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Re: New to BDSM Dom/Sub Questions

Postby scemerift » Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:28 am

I agree with some of what scienceandcake says. There is some brutality in his truth but truth it is. I do not believe that entering into an all inclusive Dom / Sub relationship with this man is going to fully satisfy you. I do however (based only on your post) believe that he may be honest when he says that he only wants to please you. I am a straight male dominate myself and can fully relate to a desire to please my wife... But I act out bondage senarios for the catharsis it provides me. My wife seems to have some of the most fulfilling and enjoyable sex during bondage and light S&M play but I believe that comes more from the attention and care I offer during play. The fact that your partner wants to engage in voyerism is not inherently unnatural or perverse. I does, however, go against the grain of a "true" dominate. We doms do not like to share. Possession is nine-tenths of the law in a submissive / dominate intercourse. There are of course exceptions but it is definitely unusual for a man to encourge having sex with another who may challenge his role. (I believe there is a gender distinction here, it appears that straight dominate women are slightly more lenient towards voyerism but not very much so). As I will always advise: if it doesn't fit, DO NOT force it. Either learn to satisfy this craving in other (non-emotionally-hurtful) ways or accept that this relationship will never satisfy YOU.

On another note. I have participated in pain play and other "dangerous" sexual activities much of my bachelor life. By dangerous I mean: public role play (impersonating an undercover cop and arresting my then girlfriend at a mall when we were on vacation), risk-of-discovery sex, and even motor vehicle hand or mouth play (that one IS actually quite dangerous... I do not recomend, people could die). You mentioned rape fantasies. One thing that I have NEVER done is forced myself on another person. The process of acting out rape fantasies or violent, and I mean interactively violent, sex causes me to be concerned from a stranger's point of view. Rape is an attack. It is a weapon. I suggest doing a little digging into some worthy literature or perhaps actually seeking some sexual councle. The wish to be forced against your will into a sexual encounter is 99% of the time spill over from some psychological trauma. Remember: against your will. That is rape. There is an enormous gap between submitting to another's will and being forced AGAINST YOUR WILL! Please be careful with that one. I have seen, more than once, life changing tragedies come of such pursuits.

Best of luck and best wishes.
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