Can't enjoy myself without, apparently

I'm a college student, female, and I have some problems concerning my sexuality. I've been sexually active in the past but never enjoyed it, though I didn't begin to piece together why until recently.

I've always been interested in BDSM, but since I never dated anyone interested I kept it in my head, where I now realize the only real sexual gratification I've had existed and where everything was either directly or indirectly connected to it. I don't find people sexually appealing, to the point where I can be aroused during flirting or foreplay if it has the right undertones but start to go cold when intercourse starts (or even just kissing/touching) because I just don't enjoy that kind of stimulation.

Even porn, which has a strong focus on the physical bodies and acts, doesn't really do it for me. I hardly ever use it, rarely used it when I was younger, and don't think I've "trained" myself to like this, especially since I don't watch BDSM porn.

What I'm wondering is: how will I have a normal sex life like this? How do I find people who won't be freaked out by this? It's my understanding currently (correct me if I'm wrong) that even in the BDSM subculture sexual intercourse is often on the menu, while to me it's a chore that I might do out of courtesy to a partner or to get my body to quiet down if I can bring myself to orgasm.

It's a power/dominance thing, mostly. There are non-sexual things that would give me more gratification than foreplay or sex, and that's something that at best would take a lot of compromise in a relationship. I've had fantasies about these things since I was as young as 8-10, possibly earlier.

The first month or two after I started thinking about this, I felt ashamed. I know there's a stigma against the sexualization of power and violence. I've never been an aggressive or violent person and by nature am shy and somewhat reclusive. It took me awhile to reconcile what I wanted to do (power/dominance) with what I didn't want to do (hurt people).

I'm still trying to get over the feeling of being "damaged goods." The assumption may often be that I come from a violent childhood, which is true - I don't know what to say to that. The assumption may also be that I'm a seriously messed up and dysfunctional person or that it hints at other problems, which aside from some anxiety problems and trouble socializing in my teens is not true. I have to wonder sometimes, though.

I think perhaps you're more likely to have a fulfilling sex life [however you choose to define that] within BSDM than outside it. Because people are used to being more open about what they want and where their interests and boundaries are. With nonBDSM people there's so much more luck involved.

It's a personal negotiation at any point. If you don't want intercourse to be on the menu, you need to be upfront that it's not something you want to do at the moment. There are many other variations on the theme. And it's not at all impossible to find someone compatible in that way. More difficult, yes, not impossible.

If you're willing to offer other compromises in return, you're likely to find a wide range of possibles. There are a lot of secret foot fetishists, crossdressers and many other things out there. They may well feel the same about getting to indulge their fantasies without needing sex. Yes, it's harder to find them. Although I'm sure some people do just put up an online dating ad and go for it.

Anyone who says [or acts in a way that implies] you're "damaged goods" doesn't deserve a second chance. You can't stop people's assumptions, but you don't have to accept them either. And there are many reasons for people's kinks and preferences, but often that's "just the way it is." I wouldn't bend myself out of shape trying to figure it out any further than that.

I always find I'm more afraid of the possibility that if its linked to being nuts, I might end up not getting what I need out of BDSM any more and become "vanilla" if i become too sane.

I am male and the same case. I come from an abuser environment and that is
the reason for my situation i guess. Sex(penetration) is not in my menu!
Ι have other things(like BDSM) who wish to don't have, but i have unfortunately.
Although some girls show interest to me, i don't do anything because i don't Know
what to say about my sexuality and don't to freak them.
The lack of love and all the above, they led me to the psychiatrist unfortunately.
I take pills to stand in life but i don't lose my hope.

i wish you to being well! Good luck.

katana wrote:I always find I'm more afraid of the possibility that if its linked to being nuts, I might end up not getting what I need out of BDSM any more and become "vanilla" if i become too sane.

kat ur which side?

Tealeaf wrote:What I'm wondering is: how will I have a normal sex life like this? How do I find people who won't be freaked out by this?

I married the most sadistic man I had ever met. We have been living together 22 years and have two children. No violence or aggressivness out of our bedroom. Neither of us was abused as a child. It's just an erotic taste, nothing more. Before marrying I hadn't find anyone who liked such games and I had never asked or talked about that with anyone. My husband had never asked, as well. Between us it happened naturally from the first time, without asking, talking, planning. It's something that creates a strong ... bond

Tealeaf wrote: I know there's a stigma against the sexualization of power and violence.

That's true, and jutified. I think non consensual BDSM has to be stigmatized. BTW, I avoid talking about my erotic tastes. I know I might be stigmatized, as most people don't care about consensual/non consensual, and I hypocritically prefer faking to be different, except with very few friends. Besides, why should people be interested in my eortic tastes? I'm not interested in theirs at all.