PLEASE HELP!

Hi! I am a 30 years old female. I was dreaming about BDSM relationship for many years since childhood. I loved to read books, watch movies and BDSM porn and pictures online. When I was with my partners I always imagined scenes from the books or my own fantasies. When I was 23 years old I joined the board and looked for a specific partner but didn't like the people that I met and didn't feel that I would realize my fantasies with them. At the age of 25 I met a person on the regular web site and he was into BDSM too, we practiced light things but not much. But I was really into it and we were about going to expand. I felt madly in love and wanted to do everything for him. However he said that he wants to live with more than one person. I never felt that I wanted have sex with women, but I agreed to give it a try. Not because I really wanted but because I was madly in love and wanted to be with him. When me, him and this girl met each other, I got unexceptionally angry and jealous and he said that I should not be in his life anymore. The place where the whole situation happened was in the different country/island and he send me back to the airport at a dangerous, criminal city by myself. When I came back home I started to do smoking - about one pack of cigarettes at a day and I wanted to die. I got a horrible lung infection and almost die and was in a hospital for 3 weeks. I quite smoking and had a depression and met my husband during this time, my husband was very helpful and understanding, he married me and took care of me. I was not in love but I was in depression and didn't care of what is going to happened with my life.

I was married for 4 years but could not forget the guy, I felt love and sexual arouse and was acting on my impulses a lot, I broke to his facebook page and send him crazy messages. Our relationship happened five years ago and I still can't get him out of my head. One time a year ago I wrote a nice message instead of angry message and he replied me back and he said that he was really into me and we started to communicate, love, wrote each other sexual fantasies but then he said that he is a polygamist. I asked what does he mean by this and he said that he does not know and he can't really tell what would I need to accept. It's drove me crazy and I started to write crazy messages to him again. He told me that it looks like that I couldn't accept his lifestyle and asked not to write him again and go to get help.

I went to psychiatrist and was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, sexual addiction, skin picking disorder, TMJ disorder/bruxism. I discovered that I had a history of a child physical/psychological abuse but not the sexual abuse. And I was not aware of the psychological abuse that used to happened on the regular basis during my childhood. What happened is I got used to those relationships and didn't think it was bad anymore. Psychiatrist prescribed Zoloft for OCD/anxiety but it didn't help. I went to a psychologist for cognitive behavioral therapy and he actually helped with a skin picking but not completely, I used to have terrible scars and damaged my skin till the blood comes but I don't do it anymore. However bruxism and TMJ got worse. I went to a dentist and got a night guard. One time I woke up in the morning and was not able to open my mouse or chew, for a week I had to eat liquid/ yogurt and had a horrible diarrhea.

My anxiety kept getting worse and I started to call/write messages to the person I used to be with again. I feel love and urge to be with him that comes from a sexual urge I assume. We started to communicate again but he is not telling me anything about what does he mean exactly about polygamy. I asked him that there are all kinds of it. I would love to be in the open relationship but I would not accept other females living with me. He said that he would not bring anyone into relationship and this is not what is this about and said that what happens last time we met he would not do anything like this again and he grew up. I don't feel like I am getting angry at him anymore but the fact that he is not telling me "what is this about" then is killing me.

Right now I am still married with the guy I don't love. I never loved him from the beginning of our relationship and married because I felt that no one else would ever marry me. I got used to living with him and he always been nice and participating even when I am angry. He is a vanilla and does not like BDSM. He agreed to do BDSM because he loves me but I don't feel anything from doing this with him. I started to date a guy I know and he told me that he is Dom, I did some BDSM with him and it felt awesome and real but he left bruises on me that I didn't want, I was worry my husband might see and I didn't like the guy/his character/ appearance and stopped talking to him. He used to write me and ask when are we going to meet again but I didn't response.

I still madly in love with the guy that I met 5 years ago and I feel that he is my Master and I can't live without him. My psychologist told me this is because of my OCD problems. I have problems with BDSM porn right now, I watch it all the time and I don't know what to do with my life. I have a professional job from 9 to 6 but I sit at work till 8 every day because it helps me to forget how terrible my life is and feel more normal. After I come home I watch porn, read stories, watch pictures online and dream of this person I met 5 years ago.

Sometimes I feel like I want to kill myself because I could not live like this anymore. PLEASE HELP ME with any advise?

I think it's unlikely that Mr 5 Years Ago would have wanted other women in an open relationship then, but have changed his mind now. So my guess would be that he doesn't want to discuss that fully with you because he knows it will hurt you.

However, it could also be that he's worried about how you see the relationship with him. You're married, but are still sending him "crazy" messages, on a regular basis. You've also opened up your own marriage without your husband knowing, with another man. And the porn use seems like it's stressful for you, rather than fun.

Are you still seeing a therapist? It seems like there's several issues to tackle, to support you in working out a happier lifestyle. Changing meds, if you're still on the Zoloft, might help too.