Need advice, didnt know how to feel about the situation..

Hey all,
I joinedthis site in hopes that I could get some advice/answers/insight on something thats been tearing my heart out. My boyfriend of 3 years and I are very happy. So i think. Our sex life is great & we incorporate light BDSM play into our sex. None of us are EXPERTS on it. We just enjoy it and enjoying being dom/sub and we take turns. Its always great. Especially us as a couple, we seem great together. We plan on moving in together, moving forward, etc. but recently.. as bad as it is, I did snoop around and found that he made an account online at FetLife.com which is like a BDSM based online community. Ive seen the messages he sends to other women and it disgusts me.. He makes plans to meet up with them, offers his number, etc. This is NOT the guy I know and I dont know why he'd be asking women to dominate him. He claims he wants to be a sub and explore the BDSM lifestyle more. Which is understandable but still.. why would he do that? Why is he looking for this in someone else instead of me??
I'm afraid if he cheats or does go with one of these "doms" that it will be considered cheating.. at leadt in my book. But I dont know if I should forgive him or blow it off because its strictly going to be encounters for sex play.. I'm really torn. I havent said anything and I dont know how or what to say.. or if i even can..

Thank you

Hi santarosa,

BDSM or not, your boyfriend is looking for something outside of the relationship you have with him, and it sounds like you would have been willing to explore BDSM further with him if he'd simply asked. There's the aspect of having him take risks on your behalf by potentially exposing himself to diseases as well. The secrecy in all of this can be quite damaging.

santarosa wrote:But I dont know if I should forgive him

There are no "shoulds" in this situation because the answer depends entirely on what you are ok with. If this makes your heart ache, listen to that feeling because it will linger if you force yourself to forgive him. Talk with him about it but be clear on what you're willing to accept and what you want to happen. Not talking about it will create an elephant in the middle of the room.

I hope you're able to talk to him about this.

I think you're making a mistake in the notion that the BDSM in this situation makes anything different than any other relationship.

Take all the BDSM out and see what you're left with. A boyfriend who wants to cheat on you on the down-low, and now you're a girl who snoops through someone's private stuff. I know, I know, you only snooped because you had this nagging feeling and it turns out that you were right so you're justified. And if you had asked him straight-up about what you thought might be going on, you wouldn't have gotten an honest answer, so this was the only way, right?

For me, the writing would be on the wall. You can't trust him to keep your understanding of a monogamous relationship or tell the truth about it when asked. He can't trust you to respect his privacy when your spine tingles.

You can bust him and have a big fight and create some new rules and "fix" his behavior for a little while, but until you seriously address those trust issues, the relationship is doomed to repeat itself, over and over, with this and even worse issues.