Did anyone else here grow up in a hoarder house?

I can't remember if I've posted about this before...

CoH = Children of hoarders. This is a good resource, though I'm not overly fond of the layout.

My mom is a hoarder. There, I said it. I'm not sure what the reason is - it could be ADHD, depression, unresolved grief, unresolved issues from growing up in poverty, and/or neurological damage (she has a disease that causes nervous system damage and the hoarding did not begin until a few years after she was diagnosed). She isn't a classic OCD hoarder. She does not really have an emotional attachment to her junk. But it's very difficult for her to focus (her executive function is shot to hell). There are parts of our house that are unusable and have been for years. When I was a kid, there was no vocabulary for it. I didn't know there were other people who lived like I did. I would not have told anyone anyway. I even avoided telling my therapist(s) until I was an adult.

I wasn't consciously aware of how it affected me until adulthood, either. Between the bullying at school and the chaos at home, I began to believe that I was less significant than my mom's garbage, and that if people got to know me, they would figure this out and throw me away - and I would deserve it. It didn't help that my friends really did treat me as disposable. After all, I could never invite them over to my house like they could invite me over.

It's a terrible feeling when your friends' parents, who are grown-ass adults, give you dirty looks and drop passive-aggressive hints about your lack of etiquette. Sometimes I would sneak friends over anyway, but their judgmental looks/remarks and my mother's anger weren't worth it.

All I ever needed to know about how to shut people out of my life and mistrust them, I learned from being the child of a hoarder. It becomes a reflex! I learned the classic avoidant dance of yearning for yet shunning social connection from this. Shame and fear are common feelings among CoH and avoidants alike. (See here, for example.)

I've heard that a lot of CoH struggle with answering doorbells and entertaining guests even years after they establish homes of their own (which are often as spotless as their childhood homes were messy). When I had my own dorm room it was so clean that one of my friends at the time remarked that it didn't even look like anyone lived there. Yet I was still hesitant to let people in.

It's interesting to me that my brother developed a narcissistic coping style while I coped by withdrawing from life as much as I could. He's an extrovert who always had a lot of friends. All the social faux pas that I could never in a million years get away with (never calling his friends, being a Technicolor asshole and a habitual line crosser) are just the way he is, and people embrace him for it!

I don't blame my mother for my avoidant personality and I'm going to do all I can to fix myself. But it's safe to say that my home environment combined with my temperament did not do me any favors.

What I am most ashamed of is the fact that I still haven't escaped, and I'm 27 now. I do not have a steady job or any friends. I would really like to be in a position to move out by the end of the year, but things are not looking good (necesito mas dinero!).

Even if you didn't grow up in a hoarder house, what do you think? Can you relate? Does anyone know of any active CoH forums (not Yahoo groups... I hate Yahoo groups so much...)?

You actually write/speak Spanish or just a bit?

Anyways, no ... I know my mother collects owl figurines, etc but definitely not a hoarder.
To be honest I can't relate. What is sucking up all your money that you can't ever move out?

I know I always end up spending my saved money (to buy a car) on helping my family with bills/food.

I can write/speak a smattering of Spanish and French from coursework in college and HS, respectively.

raginmund wrote:To be honest I can't relate. What is sucking up all your money that you can't ever move out?

"Can't ever"? I sure hope not. I will move out, but probably not until next year. I have only recently started earning my own money and it's not enough to live on yet. Currently I'm trying to save up to establish a safety net. The cost of living is high here. I don't have any savings because severe SA and other #######4 interfered with having jobs earlier in life. Due to that, I don't have the best work history for attaining well-paying work. I'm a temp right now, so my employment situation is unsteady.

Also, I have a tendency toward bipolarity that is aggravated by major life changes. Just picking up and leaving without a plan is not an option for me, as I'm not too keen on ending up in a psych ward ever again. I've learned that maintaining my sanity requires dedication. And patience. Lots and lots of patience. To outsiders it may seem like I'm being prissy, but I'm just doing what it takes to keep it together. If that means I have to wait a bit longer than I hoped to move out, that's okay with me.

Thanks for responding, even if you can't relate!

I don't relate to your particular story, and I'm not even avoidant. I'd like to introduce myself anyway:

I'm 27 now. I do not have a steady job or any friends. I would really like to be in a position to move out by the end of the year, but things are not looking good (necesito mas dinero!).

I grew up in a house where all the walls were plain white, the floor was cold, and no spot was left unpunished. Entertainment and dessert were exclusive for visitors.

I never liked to bring anybody home because I didn't want them to become property of the family like I was. Besides, if they did become property of the family, they would be above me in rank.

This was never a real house. It was a life-size dollhouse.

My situation currently is not the same as yours, and I'm not diagnosed avoidant personality disordered either, but...I did grow up in a hoarders house. My mother is a hoarder. Still is to this day. I dropped out of school, not all because of the hoarding but that was enough for me, and moved in with the first boyfriend who's mom didn't care what went on in her house. From then out, it was a series of harsh life lessons until I turned 18 and got my own place. I had a job so that made it easier.
I do know your pain. I'm 29 and it still bothers me so much that my mother is a hoarder. Otherwise, she is a great woman, nothing especially wrong with her. She's kind and giving and very, very intelligent. But she's a hoarder. I personally don't believe there's a cure, but that's me.
Best advice is to not fight it. Not because you are giving up or giving in, but because you have to deal with you. The rest will follow when it comes to dealing with that.

I would also like to add...not knowing if this is something that relates to what you've been dealing with or not...my biggest issue I've had about my mom's hoarding is the emotional ramifications...things that have been said out of anger and frustration to her. I carry alot of guilt along side the anger toward her. Guilt because while I think my anger is just, I also know its a disorder she has and that she does love me. All the terrible things I've said and done as a teen and younger adult I can never undo. She's a strong woman and forgives me but...when I couple that guilt with remembering how my father physically abused her and just tore her character and emotions to shreds over her hoarding it breaks my heart and makes honest communication with myself about the hoarding even harder.
My thoughts are that, anger is justified, but abuse is not.

raginmund wrote:I know my mother collects owl figurines, etc but definitely not a hoarder.

My parents were not either but they had tendencys that way. I am starting to wonder what is causing this hoarder issue. My boss is a hoarder and so is his secretary. My mom never had the tendency's until she got older and my dad only had them slighly...

It seems to effect older people but I am staring to wonder if it is not medication related. Right now... I suspect cholesterol meds. At work I have 3 older co workers... one is not a hoarder at all and does not take cholesterol meds.

Also my dad always had poorly controlled cholesterol ... so maybe it is related to having low cholesterol? Thoughts?

ThinkinforMe wrote:I would also like to add...not knowing if this is something that relates to what you've been dealing with or not...my biggest issue I've had about my mom's hoarding is the emotional ramifications...things that have been said out of anger and frustration to her. I carry alot of guilt along side the anger toward her. Guilt because while I think my anger is just, I also know its a disorder she has and that she does love me. All the terrible things I've said and done as a teen and younger adult I can never undo. She's a strong woman and forgives me but...when I couple that guilt with remembering how my father physically abused her and just tore her character and emotions to shreds over her hoarding it breaks my heart and makes honest communication with myself about the hoarding even harder.
My thoughts are that, anger is justified, but abuse is not.

From what I've read about CoH I think it's normal for us to feel guilty no matter how we reacted to the hoard. Your anger was justified, imo. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I was never the type to stand up to my mother because I identified with my captor. I felt like it was up to me to be the "good one." In fact, I used to defend her whenever the rest of my family would get angry (I'm a good lil codependent). Every time I showed any kind of anger it was stomped on, both inside and outside of the home. So I guess the real reason I defended her (aside from hating to see her upset) was because if I wasn't allowed to be angry, why should anyone else get to do it? To this day I still get anxious about disagreeing with her about everyday stuff. For years I just internalized my anger until it exploded in inappropriate situations... which is part of the reason why I don't have friends. Yay.

ThinkinforMe wrote:I do know your pain. I'm 29 and it still bothers me so much that my mother is a hoarder. Otherwise, she is a great woman, nothing especially wrong with her. She's kind and giving and very, very intelligent. But she's a hoarder. I personally don't believe there's a cure, but that's me.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't think there's a cure, but I think it can be manageable if the hoarder actually wants to change. Genuinely wanting to change is the biggest hurdle, I think. My grandmother on my other side of the family is also a hoarder - the kind who has emotional attachments to her stuff. I think her hoarding began when she was forced into retirement and then her last gentleman friend moved down south to spend his final years around his family. When she fell ill and had to be moved to supportive living, my dad took great pleasure in throwing away most of her stuff, even some stuff she needed. She wasn't present to supervise. It's been a couple years and she still has a mental inventory of all her stuff. Every time I see her she tells me about something she wanted to give me one day that I'll never have because "I guess the Salvation Army has it now." (Never mind that none of this stuff was anything I wanted.) She takes such a nasty, spiteful tone when she talks to my dad about it. *cringe*

The woman can't see anymore and can barely move. Her clutter is gone. But she still thinks about it and wishes she had it every. single. day.

captain ad hoc wrote:I grew up in a house where all the walls were plain white, the floor was cold, and no spot was left unpunished. Entertainment and dessert were exclusive for visitors.

I can see why you can't relate. My upbringing was the exact opposite of that! Except for the cold floors, maybe.

SaraShaw wrote:... so maybe it is related to having low cholesterol? Thoughts?

Just saw your reply - My mom's cholesterol is normal but she does have high blood pressure. The hoarding began about twenty years ago but she only began taking BP meds recently. I know from my own experience and from watching Hoarders (I have a love/hate relationship with that show) that there is often some environmental trigger - a death of a loved one, a bad divorce, unexpected retirement, birth of a child, etc. - that starts the ball rolling. Preexisting depression, ADHD, and/or OCD also play a huge role. I suspect that poor executive function (i.e. wonky frontal lobe) has something to do with it for some people. It is also easier than ever to amass vast quantities of crap. Modern advertising encourages us to associate buying new stuff with status and fulfillment.

Hoarding is not new. The difference is that people are able to talk about it now. Cholesterol levels could be correlated with hoarding, but I think there are other variables that cause it. I almost forgot - for those in the older generation who grew up during the Depression, hoarding is more common than in the general population. That may also apply to those who survived the Holocaust, but I can't recall for sure. My grandmother grew up in the Depression. My mother didn't, but her father was an asshole narcissist who enjoyed depriving his family of material goods as a means of control.


Ugh, me and these long posts. Sorry!

-- Fri May 25, 2012 9:32 am --

Posting this separately to break up the wall of text:

I really regret taking so long to learn to think independently. That's what I feel guilty about. I practically worshiped my mother until recent years. Before the hoarding started, I remember her being this bubbly, happy person. I kept thinking that that version of her would return if I waited and coddled her enough. But it never will. I forgot to mention that she is now an alcoholic as well, since about 2005. It's funny that the alcoholism, not the hoarding, was the thing that broke the illusion for me. Interestingly, CoH and children of alcoholics are very similar.

*Potentially triggering* Whenever I was suicidal, one of the things that kept me from offing myself was caring about how shameful it would be if the paramedics had to come into our house. Or, if I offed myself outside the house, how shameful it would be when the coroner came to the door. As if I would be around to see it! There were times when I was almost angry enough not to care anymore, but my sense of shame is uncommonly strong!

My father is a hoarder. It was mostly isolated in the garage and basement while I was growing up, but I was still afraid to have people over because the rest of the house was never taken care of very well. My parents never had friends or close family, so there was never any reason to keep the walls spotless or upgrade to modern appliances or hire a landscaper. It's possible that the house wasn't as bad as I thought it was while I was growing up, but I was probably even more embarrassed of my parents themselves. My father has always been an alcoholic and I was afraid of what he might say or how he might appear. My mother has never taken good care of her appearance, so she's let facial hair grow in and she has missing teeth, among other things. Basically, there was a really pervasive impression that things just weren't cared for around my house and I was ashamed of it.

I'm 26 now and over the past few years, my father's hoarding has started spreading to other parts of the house. He can't walk well anymore, so he surrounded a desk in front of a television that has tons of boxes filled with files and assorted items that he may want within his reach. To some extent, it sounds reasonable to have things within reach if you're largely immobile, but it's an overwhelming number of boxes. The car he drives is also full of junk, except for the driver's seat. Unfortunately, the rest of the home has fallen even further into disrepair. I feel partly responsible because I'm technically an adult who is capable of doing things, but I feel that there's no point in painting walls or cutting the lawn well when there's no chance of ever having anyone over the house. Also, frankly, I'm ashamed to be living here. Because of the state of things and because I'm not a child anymore, I should have left a long time ago and I try to minimize how often the neighbors might see me.

I want to move out, but I'm unemployed and I don't have any prospects. Even if I were to get a job, it's likely it would not pay enough to cover living expenses. It's unfortunate because this is a sad place to live and I should have left a long time ago. I suspect I may never leave.

aureum wrote:My father is a hoarder. It was mostly isolated in the garage and basement while I was growing up, but I was still afraid to have people over because the rest of the house was never taken care of very well. My parents never had friends or close family, so there was never any reason to keep the walls spotless or upgrade to modern appliances or hire a landscaper. It's possible that the house wasn't as bad as I thought it was while I was growing up, but I was probably even more embarrassed of my parents themselves. My father has always been an alcoholic and I was afraid of what he might say or how he might appear. My mother has never taken good care of her appearance, so she's let facial hair grow in and she has missing teeth, among other things. Basically, there was a really pervasive impression that things just weren't cared for around my house and I was ashamed of it ...

... I feel partly responsible because I'm technically an adult who is capable of doing things, but I feel that there's no point in painting walls or cutting the lawn well when there's no chance of ever having anyone over the house. Also, frankly, I'm ashamed to be living here.

Wow, my life story. This perfectly describes me right now ... living in a house I'm ashamed of with a parent (my mom) I'm ashamed of. This is the reason I don't have friends, why I'm so shy and reserved around people ... because I know if I ever get to know them they'll eventually have to come to this mess, and there's no way in hell I'd want to embarrass myself like that.