Did anyone else here grow up in a hoarder house?

The difference is that people are able to talk about it now. Cholesterol levels could be correlated with hoarding, but I think there are other variables that cause it.

Of course but particularly in the last few years it seems like it has gotten taken up a notch. And there are all kinds of hording activities different than *hoarding"- there is animal hoarding and my boss is a paper hoarder... not food. I agree other variables cause it but yes, I do think there is some pharmaceutical link.. does anyone know a really young hoarder?

I also watch hoarders and I have seen younger ones but often, they are the ones that recover. The most stubborn, the most out of control seem to be older. Even if they aren't from the depression generation.

Maybe we should expand this thread a little because while my parents were not hoarders they didn't take care of themselves or the house very well. And due to that, we didn't have people over the house. The house was too small as well and if I wanted a friend over they would have to sleep on the floor or something. My parents only fixed something when they had to. We had a black and white tv until 1985. Now I am much different than that.. I clean ... I have a bmw. I have things remodeled and replaced.

Perhaps all parents stop caring after a while ( I mean they reproduced ) and just want to leave the money for their kids. But my parents were not really up on much. I remember our furnace (why I have a crippling fear of natural gas) going when I was 12 (thank god my brother was up late) only when my mom died did I find the manual of when the heater was installed - 1952 (30 years!) she never had maintenance ... never did anything ... just la de da.. We didn't have smoke detectors until I was 15 because I bought them and put them in. My brother made her get a color tv and cable..

But when have photos of her when she was younger remodeling the house, kept up like a super star.. everything new or in its place... what happened... I think maybe the kids but even then she has photos with us where she looks amazing, it was only when she hit about 60 (and started taking meds) that things seemed to be like "whatever."

ShadowTerra wrote:I can't remember if I've posted about this before...

CoH = Children of hoarders. This is a good resource, though I'm not overly fond of the layout.

It's interesting to me that my brother developed a narcissistic coping style while I coped by withdrawing from life as much as I could. He's an extrovert who always had a lot of friends. All the social faux pas that I could never in a million years get away with (never calling his friends, being a Technicolor asshole and a habitual line crosser) are just the way he is, and people embrace him for it!

I don't blame my mother for my avoidant personality and I'm going to do all I can to fix myself. But it's safe to say that my home environment combined with my temperament did not do me any favors.

What I am most ashamed of is the fact that I still haven't escaped, and I'm 27 now. I do not have a steady job or any friends. I would really like to be in a position to move out by the end of the year, but things are not looking good (necesito mas dinero!).

Even if you didn't grow up in a hoarder house, what do you think? Can you relate? Does anyone know of any active CoH forums (not Yahoo groups... I hate Yahoo groups so much...)?

Okay, so not really hoarding but abject poverty and major mental illness (mother/brother) gave me the same feelings you are describing. I was held onto to be the "jail warden" in our own family asylum (for lack of a better job description for the role I played back there). By comparison, the "normal", albeit, shy and odd one. I lived a block away from where I grew up for 33 years. My initial attempts to spring myself from it were met not with encouragement toward my appropriate bids for my own adulthood, but with comments like "you remember how that turned out last time..."

A book I read that deals with what I feel I went through (may or may not speak to the situations you are describing) is Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family by David P. Celani. This book (read years after I had escaped) helped me to reconcile for myself the question others used to ask of me, "So why don't you just leave?" It's just not that easy. Normal families raise children with the expectation of the children moving toward independence; families like mine (perhaps yours, perhaps not) raise children to fill lifelong roles, like for me "untrained/unpaid social worker/bouncer/shill" or my brother, "resident narcissist and malicious f * up", where my mom is the resident "victim/sad person". Sounds harsh, but only because I haven't invited you over for a family get together. You're glad for this and I promise I won't...

Anyways, there is my two cents on the idea that it is pretty understandable how being raised in an environment that you'd be hard put to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it could set you up with difficulties connecting with others.

SaraShaw wrote:Of course but particularly in the last few years it seems like it has gotten taken up a notch. And there are all kinds of hording activities different than *hoarding"- there is animal hoarding and my boss is a paper hoarder... not food. I agree other variables cause it but yes, I do think there is some pharmaceutical link.. does anyone know a really young hoarder?

The hoarders in my family are primarily paper/trinket hoarders. And depression-era hoarders don't necessarily hoard food. I assumed we were talking about this broader, modern definition of hoarding anyway (and compulsive hoarding in particular, not just having too much clutter). Until I saw shows like Hoarders, I truly believed I was the only person who lived like I do and I didn't even know there was a name for my mom's behavior - which is why I'm hesitant to agree that something strange is going on. People tend to start needing meds around the same age that hoarding is likely to become a problem; that doesn't mean that one has anything to do with the other (correlation doesn't prove causation). It's a coincidence, IMO.

Re: young hoarders, the collecting behavior that can turn into hoarding can start at almost any age. Some children with OCD do it, for example. Some of the older hoarders we're talking about started out young enough that they have middle-aged children who never knew anything different. My grandmother started when she was elderly already, but my mom started when she was in her late thirties. I have a few red flag tendencies of my own and have had them since I was a kid. Compulsive hoarding != excessive clutter alone. There's a huge psychological component, which is why treating it is never just as simple as getting rid of the junk.

From Wikipedia:

The prevalence of compulsive hoarding in the community has been estimated at between two and five percent, significantly higher than the rates of OCD and other disorders, such as panic disorder and schizophrenia. 751 people were chosen for a study who self-reported hoarding behavior. Of these individuals, most reported the onset of their hoarding symptoms between the ages of 11 and 20 years old, with 70% reporting the behaviors before the age of 21. Fewer than 4% of people reported the onset of their symptoms after the age of 40. The data shows that compulsive hoarding begins early, but often does not become more prominent until after age 40. Different reasons have been given for this such as the presence of family members is more prominent early in life and limits acquisition and facilitates the removal of clutter.

Wikipedia's source:
Tolin, David F., Meunier, Suzanne A., Frost, Randy O., Steketee, Gail. (2010) Course of compulsive hoarding and its relationship to life events. Depression and Anxiety, 27, 829-838.

I couldn't care less about what causes or doesn't cause it, but since I took all those fancy psychology classes I'm biased in favor of analyzing everything from that angle. Agree to disagree?

aureum wrote:I feel partly responsible because I'm technically an adult who is capable of doing things, but I feel that there's no point in painting walls or cutting the lawn well when there's no chance of ever having anyone over the house. Also, frankly, I'm ashamed to be living here. Because of the state of things and because I'm not a child anymore, I should have left a long time ago and I try to minimize how often the neighbors might see me.

shnbwmn wrote:This is the reason I don't have friends, why I'm so shy and reserved around people ... because I know if I ever get to know them they'll eventually have to come to this mess, and there's no way in hell I'd want to embarrass myself like that.

personalspace wrote:Normal families raise children with the expectation of the children moving toward independence; families like mine (perhaps yours, perhaps not) raise children to fill lifelong roles, like for me "untrained/unpaid social worker/bouncer/shill" or my brother, "resident narcissist and malicious f * up", where my mom is the resident "victim/sad person". Sounds harsh, but only because I haven't invited you over for a family get together. You're glad for this and I promise I won't...

I identify strongly with all of this. Hugs to you all and thanks so much for sharing.

You kinda made the light bulb go off on the top of my head.

Yes I am an adult child of hoarders. Its always been that way and live with them now. Funny thing is the landlord is visiting the house in three weeks and its trashed as in usual hoarder style.

But it make sense. Our parents avoid people because they dont want them to see their disgusting house so we would be naturally taught to avoid them as well.

Thanks for the insight.

Sounds familiar.
But first of all, I think we have to distinguish between two different phenomenons. I looked up hoarder and figured out that in my language we call it "messie" - which clearly derives from the English word "mess". This means neglecting your flat. Hoarding for me doesn't necessarily mean being messy, but collecting things. My mother was messy, this was the reason why I wasn't allowed to invite friends and nobody came to see her. My father is more of a collector, he keeps everything clean but collects old things and broken devices in the basement. After we kids left our home, my mother kept the house clean. So guess we children were her problem.

Once I visited my parents and went through my old clothes. I found real old jackets with typical yellow spots on it that you can't wash out anymore and the jackets were out of fashion. I didn't even want to give these dirty things to the Red Cross, so I threw it in the garbage. Next day I found the jackets hanging in the wardrobe Would you believe it? My father had pulled the jackets out (of the dustbin with coffee in it and all kind of trash) - as he said - "in case someone needs them one day". I didn't even live there anymore and my parents have no friends. They are not rich but also not poor - who should wear these old, dirty clothes?

I live with my father who does this a little. I find I clash with him over this. its mainly food which is a problem because he buys too much of it and it then ends up going off.I see it as really wasteful.

My sisters and I came up with a theory, somewhat jokingly, that hoarders have the Post Apocalyptic Survival Gene. Think about it.

shnbwmn wrote:Wow, my life story. This perfectly describes me right now ... living in a house I'm ashamed of with a parent (my mom) I'm ashamed of. This is the reason I don't have friends, why I'm so shy and reserved around people ... because I know if I ever get to know them they'll eventually have to come to this mess, and there's no way in hell I'd want to embarrass myself like that.

Not everyone will be so judgmental of you and your house, and if they are, would you really want to know them? Your house is not you, and it's doesn't sound as though the mess has been created by you. I have a friend whose parents are hoarders. She and her brothers and sisters are such lovely, thoughtful and kind people that I don't care what their parents' house is like, I'd always visit them. It's not their fault.

I wouldnt classify my parents as hoarders, but they both used to keep bits and pieces thinking they could prove useful one day. This coupled with not having much money growing up, I often became terribly attached to accumulating things. I used to hate to throw things out (and I still do), I would always think it could be useful at some point, but my issues are around clothes etc. Im not too bad, but I often buy things because I feel I need it, only to rationally realise that I didnt need it at all, the item that Im buying will not change my life, it wont make me happy, its just an object. I try and remind myself of this every time I am shopping, which has helped somewhat. However, this is a double-edged sword, where I realise this object will not make me happy, but I then realise that my life is so empty, that I can go shopping all the time as a distraction, but eventually I am still me, and I am still in this life, and no object will change that.

Yes. Bigly hoarding I grew up with my mom and her hoarding has grown worse as time went on. House was full, paths to walk through. Mice. Crawled on me at night on occasion and a couple of the little b*stards bit me. Old rotten food in fridge, barely any healthy foods and never ate together or had constructive conversations about family or future.

You definitely live with a silent version of shame. Excuses to friends why they can't come over. Heart dropping when you hear a knock at the door. I rebelled. Stayed at friends houses for a week at a time.

Once I was in my mid twenties I started to feel comfortable talking to people about it. I had read psychology books about hoarding to better understand Just what in the hell was happening.

The emotional abuse effected me as a youngster and shaped me in some ways, but the shame and embarrasement dissapated after I left home and realized that it was not my fault.

Now I am 34, married with two sons, and run 2 companies. Hate clutter.

My mom's house is worse then ever and my 8 year old has never even been inside. No dinners there ever, no sleepovers, no stepping in to say Hi. It is fascinating to see her come over to my house and do little things that only a hoarder would do. She will use a paper towel, wipe off a few things, then a few more things, have it balled up and then leave with it in her pocket. If I saw 10 used paper towels from 10 different people, I could spot hers. It's a classic special move of hers.

Also, dishes have vanished at times only to be magically discovered by her when I tell her to go through her kitchen and give me all my stuff back. Old baby clothes or boxes that she snatched years a go. I just gave her a recycling bin last week to put all her empty cans in...easy right? The recycling bin is outside and the are old rotting clothes in it and a few old sponges. The 5 for a $1 sponges that she can make last her half decade per sponge.

What seems like such simple decisions to neuron typical people.."throw that away, havnt touched this in a year, donate " SO HARD for hoarders because they build a security nest around themselves and keep the world out. They feel worthless when they self reflect which is avoided at all cost.

Hoarding is a comorbid disorder. There is typically more than one issue behind the scenes. Agoraphobia, anti social type disorder, manic depressive and a lot of fear obligation and guilt. There seems to always he clear vibid memories of past instances where they were hurt or let down in some way.