Avoidance because of shame

One of the main reasons for my avoidance is shame because of where I live. My home is terribly untidy and ugly. When I was growing up, I couldn't imagine bringing people over, it would be too embarrassing, and to this day I still feel like that.

My mom has a mental problem, so she didn't/doesn't know how to clean the house. My dad would be at work the entire day, and he'd tell me and my sister to do chores around the house. On weekends, we'd be in the garden pulling out weeds and pruning bushes. Other people would be visiting each other or going out, and we'd be doing work around the house.

And we didn't know any better, since we hardly knew any other people. I couldn't talk to my parents about anything, because they themselves don't have much of a social life.

I guess I just needed to rant, but that's been on my mind over the last few days ...

This has been said so much that it's a cliche except for those who haven't seen it. Guilt is feeling bad about something we do. Shame means we feel there''s something wrong with us as a person.
Shame is far worse.

I know how you feel about the house. Growing up in a town of fewer than 600, we lived in a rented shack across from the school. It looked like crap from the outside and we were so poor we didn't even have a lawnmower so the lawn was always grown up. My mom, raising three kids without child support from my dad who abandoned us, had a factory job and was just overwhelmed. But she kept our house spotless inside. But yes, I felt ashamed of the house and would never sit outside on the porch because of my shame. But a lot of kids came to the house, either friends of my sisters or me and because my mom kept it clean, I didn't feel shame of them coming in.

I had a buddy from a branch of the richest family in town (again we're talking a very small town.) He lived in a big two story house with his grandmother. It smelled very musty with some catpiss smell thrown in. I got the feeling my buddy never invited many people over. There was also a lot of stuff piled up. In addition, he had an uncle who was one of the town characters. So looking back on it, we BOTH probably had shame about our homes.

It is not the root cause for me but it makes me to avoid more. Actually avoidance -> shame -avoidance-> shame ->...
vicious cycle.

I utterly reject the notion that running from rude people is a mental disorder.

I need people talking down to me [like a brattish 9 year old] like I need a kick in the groin. Women's Liberation morphed entire generations from people who introduce themselves into people who tell you "those shoes suck and who do you think you are?" Then they smirk, waiting for me to feel ashamed of myself -- and thereby give them some control over my self-esteem like a thief in the night.

For a person to talk like that to me is enough to reject them on the spot. The rule being, that if I spoke to people like that it would be my fault for being rejected - not a sign of mental disorder on their part for not tolerating my bad manners, ergo bad intentions -- disallowing further association that requires basic civility, trust and manners.

Act like a jerk and be treated like a jerk. I was raised Catholic. We could not even accidentally slam a door without having to go back outside and do it again, silently. The lesson was clear to me at a very young age and I never forgot it. You will be treated according to your presentation in the world I live in.

We live in a rude world -- and I intend to treat it accordingly.

Thank you

Ronald

Real like example: I had a girl who worked at a club I used to shoot pool tourneys at. Over the course of months we got to be on friendly terms. Then one day she waltzes up, first time she ever actually indicated personal interest and says "I had four boyfriends until yesterday. I dropped one and have room for one more." -- Without blinking I replied "I don't share, just serve the drinks." ------ She looked at me like I dropped my pants and shot bottle rockets out my butt.

A week later I find out she posted a petition on the office to get me banned from the pool tournaments... I called my lawyer and had him write a demand letter to the club owner, who I also knew. My lawyer told them to remove my name from the wall immediately or face a court case for Libel. The owner complained to me that it cost him $300.00 to respond to my lawyer through his own counsel. I told him he had whores working for him and to tell them all to never speak to me again or I file a case for sexual harassment. He looked shocked. I smiled. They left me alone from that day forward.

Since I am a public figure I need to use a sledge hammer on people like that. And for a woman to talk to me like a whore gives the impression that she thinks I am also a whore. You can imagine how well that went at the time. I'm just free painting on the topic using real life experiences. The topic is "rejecting others allegedly due to shame."

- Ronald