my confusing life story PLEASE READ

Hey, I live in the uk with my two brothers, one older and one younger and my little sister. For most of my life i have been branded as something i thought i wasn't but really i was. When i was 3 my mum took me to some kind of playing centre but it was to help me speak. Apprantely i couldnt speak to other people when i was 3 but i could only speak to my family at home..so thats why my mum took me to that place and my mum also told me it was the same of my brothers. However my younger brother who is 12 has friends (but he is a bit shy with them and cant stop crying over little things) which he seems to get on normaly socially with and my broher is 16 and he is very outgoing and he treats his friends just with the same energy he treats his family with. So back to when i was 3 my mentor kept pointing at board games so i could talk to ask for them but i couldnt, i just kept pointing too and sometimes i would just mumble a bit..this never really helped and my mum hasnt helped me with anything else towards this disorder.
So at school at about 5-6 i made friends which i remeber i seemed to get on with like how a normally socially a 5-6 would but i was always branded as the quiet kid and i got older it got worst. However when i was about 6 our family friends came in and i had "pretend sex.." with the girl 7 yr old friend. I know it sounds dodgey but ofc at 6 i had no sexual feelings were were actually just playing but this event began my journey on sex..
So when i was around 8-9 (same time my dad left us with and affair) stupidly my parents always left 18 and over movies they use to watch when they were young and told us never to watch them but with my childlike curosity i did. i had no sexual feelings at this point but my mind just told me it was good and so i just continued watching the porn and even at one time tried to get my younger brother to watch it with me...i was so fu*ked up..
He did watch it with me but he thought it was weird and digusting like a normal 7 would but i didnt stop watching them until i was 10-11.
So at school at around 10 i still had the same friends but they were become way more social and started making their own friends and since were were older we didnt just run around and play tag but they talked ALOT more often about stuff i didnt really watch or knew about to i justed watched them and tried to play other sports. This makes me sound so socially behind but when i got home my real personality came out, at home i was loud, annoying at felt like a normal person my brothers were my best friends and i left like everyone who wasnt part of my family i just couldnt socially understand them.
So throughout primary school i was branded as quiet and couldnt talk, when i could but just at home and i always thought i was a good boy at school and bad boy at home but at home but i was just actually being me. There was a major confusion of who i was at that time and when i started secondary school i think thats when many problems began.
At age 11 in year7 of secondary school at watched porn on the internet for the first time because of my sexual history and this unfortunately continues up to now. In year 7 i stuck with the same group of people for the whole year and just played sports with them, I never really bonded with them i just played with them but at that time i thought we were bonded and we were friends. However in year 8 one a bully of that group which everybody is scared of began to really hated me, in year 8 we stopped playing the sport we alwys did bcuz are school was being remade so the group just began talking socializing a lot but i just stood their and watched them. At that point the bully really noticed how weird i was and began spreading rumours about me smelling like piss. Which at first i didnt smell but then i did began to smell and everytime i tried to join with the group i always hanged out with the bully who were friends of the people in my group told me to go away..and i did. At this point i HAD NO FRIENDS NO ACCTAINANCES, NO-ONE evey break time and luchtime i would hide in some classroom in the school until the break was over, i pretend to go to computer clubs to pretend to do something and i rarely ate lunch so no 1 could see me with no friends. I got really depressed, i just turned 13 had a $#%^ 13th birthday, no friends,i stinked like hell, nothing year 8 was the worst year ever. But the reason i kept on going because i could be socially normal with my family, even though i didnt know what to say, think or do with other people i could be myself with them. Evn though they had no idea what i was going through they were really helped.
So towards the end of year 8 i looked but mental disorders i could have, i would treat people like they were superior to me, i hardly ever spoke in groups, i didnt know how to start a properly conversation, i couldnt even speak properly at school compared to how i spoke at home, i could never speak loudly in school even if i tried it like my brain just stopped me but the thing was i could do ALL OF THIS AT HOME. So when i looked for a disorder i thought my symptoms were simlair to aspergers. I cried when i thought i had autism, i thought i could never solve this social problem now and that i would be a freak forever. i thought the way i acted to my family wasnt the way people would normally act to so i thought i never acted normaly anywhere..i nearly shutdown
This was still in year 8 i still had no friends i thouhgt i was nothing, but towards the end of year 8 i made a group of "friends" u could say but just following them all at break. At a instance they branded me at a quiet guy who ever spoke and had to be looked after, but at home i wasnt this person i hated when people did this to me.
So in year 9 i began to doubt i had aspegers because i could act social normal at home but just not at school or outside..so this made me slightly less depressed.but their were still many problems at school. Evrytime i was asked to read in front the or out loud i would begin shivering in my voice, my heart would beat twice as fast and i would sweat alot adding to my smell. This cause me to take pauses ever time i spoke so i was really obvious i was scared to read so people treated me like a retard with a learning disablitly when didnt have one. NO-ONE treated me like how i wanted to be treated they thought i was this 5 year old, no-one knew who i was really inside with my family so i had no real friends. They didn't and stil dont understand me they dont know how loud and funny i can be at home..they have no idea
So im 15 in year 10 know and think i have avoidant personality disorder because everytime its hometime at school i always rush to get home even i see my "friends" and i actually dnt know why but i think its because i think i wouldnt know what to say or i wouldnt at like me. Even the queit people in my class treat me like im retarded but at home i would never let them do that to me.
At home i feel free at last i can joke, laugh, think, smile, breath,not sweat or smell, and because of this i feel like my little brohter is my best friend so is my older brother but hes been annoying recently. However i feel like $#%^ when i annoy and take the piss out of my little brother, because i knw he has more friends then me and i act i an idoit act school but he doesnt know this so i use this to my advanttage. Im waiting for the time to finally get treatment for but i dont know when or how but i need it now, i hate it how i talk about porn, girls and sex like can actually get some when im a complete nobody at school im tired of livng two very different lives and one of them needs to end soon so i can live a full live would any1 please help me...

Hi Leroy. I'm afraid I don't have any really insightful advice but I just wanted you to know that I read your entire post and empathize with you. I know the pain, frustration, and shame you speak of. Please continue to share here if you find some catharsis in it. You're young and can improve your social abilities outside your home. You know you're capable of it; you do it every day with your family. Now it's just a matter of discovering how to slowly unveil that version of yourself with others. Is there anyone you can talk to about helping with this, such as a school counselor or therapist?

Hey -

It definitely sounds like you have problems socializing. None of us can say for sure whether or not you actually have Avoidant PD - technically it shouldn't even be diagnosed until age 18. Regardless of whatever the name of your problems are - you should definitely seek some professional help now rather than later. The longer this goes on, the more severe it becomes & harder to treat. I'd suggest asking your parents to help you get an appointment with your doctor to try to find a therapist.

Welcome to the forum, by the way!

- EGD.

(all of my words in this post are completely opinion based and are not meant to be taken as guidance)

ive lived a strangely similar life...

I think i know how to fix that problem you are having. it wouldnt make you "normal" but you would be able to understand people better and know how to act and have the ability TO act instead of freezing up, even if you still feel weird around them.

i am 22 years old and i spend WAY too much time trying to control how i act control how people see me (impossible task) and i have found out that experience is the ONLY thing that will allow you to act like a socially normal person. it might take you a year or 3 (took me about 2 and a half years to be able to exist socially)

SO HERE WE GO!!! (you DONT need to do all of these at once. just add 1 thing each week or whenever you feel like, really)

Chore List:

- make sure you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE EVERY DAY, NO EXCEPTIONS, PERIOD!

the longer you are out of the house the more automatically-natural you would be around people you dont know.. its a skill that grows slowly.. but not TOO slowly so dont get worried.

- make sure you hang out with at least 1 person outside of school BESIDES your brothers (or sister) and always shoot for going somewhere in car.

Having fun is something that is caused by the people you are around. almost anyone in the world can get used to almost anyone else and start enjoying being around them. you dont have to be somewhere that is fun, you dont have to be doing something that is fun. you dont even have to think they are good friends as long as you can get used to being in their presence outside of school. i never believed in $#%^ like what i am saying until i lived through these experiences and learned how this $#%^ happens and how people think. be like a devoted monk and force yourself to go. compare your opinions of $#%^ to their opinions of $#%^. take this to heart. everything so far is completely true and it will stay that way.

- get a job ASAP.

the beauty of a job is, if you start getting depressed or annoyed by it, just quit. go home from work whenever you decide and never show up again. after keeping your job long enough, you will MAGICALLY be able to communicate with any random person better than before over time. this automatic skill might need time to grow, but again, you will get so used to having $#%^ to do that involves other people that you will be pretty happy no matter where you are. just ask your mom or dad if they know someone who can hire you to do something at their store or if they know someone who is hiring. you can get access to some pretty cool places and they explain in detail how to do whatever job they are giving you. pretty ######6 easy for a retard to understand how to do the work. especially when you are only part time.

(by the way, depression and schizophrenia can have some of the same serious symptoms but only schizophrenia is something to worry about.. so dont go thinking you are definitely autistic just because you have similar symptoms. depression and loneliness or anxiety [being nervous or scared of $#%^ or feeling bad about things easily]can cause you to act extremely strange. even if you are autistic, "autistic" is only a word used to label certain kinds of people. the fact is different people's brains are formed differently. thats why people around the world have different kinds of beliefs and stereotypes. easily distracted people, people who get migranes more often, people who are always jolly about $#%^, people who are usually angry at others, people who are good socially, people who are extremely social, just different kinds of personalities. so feel good about yourself)

(PPS, EVERYTHING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU THINK WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!!! thats life. impossible to know whats next as you grow older.