Please read my story: any advice/help sincerely appreciated.

Hello all,

I'm a 17 year old boy, in my final year of sixth form preparing to go to university... but I have a problem, which I feel is progressively getting worse.

In recent years I know I've become more anxious around other people my age, and not only has this severely affected the social side of my life, it's starting to affect the academic side too (that is, from the constant worry and anticipation of forced social interactions, such as lunch break).

Strangely, this anxiety appears to be situation-dependent. For example, in my physics class I sit with a small group of (and I hate to use this term) fairly "popular" boys from my year, and without a single butterfly in my stomach I can communicate with them, laugh, joke, and relax. I really value these lessons because in any other time of the day things couldn't be worse.

The sixth form life at my high school involves many parties, relationships, and socialising... but I have become very detached, but not out of choice. Almost all students spend breaks and lunch in the "common room", a large room with a few tables and chairs - sixth form only. This probably sounds ridiculous, but as of yet I've not used it - I can't. Walking past the door sends butterflies through my system, sometimes I even panic. I can hardly bring myself to look in as I walk past. I don't really know why I behave like this, but I know I fear rejection unlike anything else. I even fear rejection for being one of the few NOT to use the common room, and I make it my business at lunch time to keep myself on the move. I don't want people to see me stand alone, so I make frequent trips to the toilet (if only to waste time in a cubicle), or I just sit near people I hardly know, just so I don't look "friendless".

But "friendless" is possibly a word to describe the situation - I haven't been out with friends for what feels like years, and I cannot bring myself to attend parties - I am terrified of rejection that could happen.

Deep down I know this view on rejection is a warped few on the reality around me. I know deep down that the chances of rejection and criticism are very low - and this hurts. If I know this deep down - then why can't I act appropiately? It feels like I'm losing control of a part of my personality, and this frightens me.

Sex is inevitably becoming a part of the lives of my peers, and I worry about some bizarre thoughts I've had related to the subject. Sometimes I start telling myself that intimate love and intercourse are evils - I have essentially found myself rejecting the concepts entirely if in the frame of mind. Sometimes I even find myself desiring a life of solidarity. Why? I don't know, because deep down like any other human I desire companionship and love, but that fear of rejection is twisting me, and I feel like I'm losing control of myself.

I don't get any chances to initiate relationships (and if I did I know I would avoid them), because I always have an excuse not to attend a social event. Take today as an example. Two lads from that physics group (who in the classroom situation I can talk to free of butterflies) invited me somewhere afterschool, and at that moment the butterflies hit. Was it the prospect of being with other people in a new situation? I don't know, but I didn't like the feeling and made an excuse to get out of it.

I'm so sorry for the long post, and probably the oddness of it all. I read about AvPD, and I really connected with the topics in the article. It hit home to me that I have a problem which could ruin my life if I don't confront it. I can't tell my family because I'm ashamed, which is why I'm opening up here.

If there is any advice, anything at all that can help me avert ruining my life at university and beyond, please help me. I read that joining a gym is good way of confronting this problem, and I am seriously considering this. I have a burning desire to lead the "normal" social life of a person my age, but something in me is stopping me. I want to overcome it so badly, but maybe I'm weak. Maybe I just have to throw myself into the deepend.

Any replies appreciated. Thanks.

Fear of being rejected is my main reason that i avoid, so i know what you are going through. If you feel this is becoming a problem for you i highly suggest you seek out help. I havent got help for it and i am paying the price for it now.

Since you are young maybe you can get the help you need and move past these feelings you are having.

I believe I know something about this subject. I was the same, but probably worse. At school I had no friendships whatsoever after the age of 14, and thus attracted ridicule from a lot of people while the teachers stood idly by. I tried A Levels twice but never got to the exam stage in any of them; the first by being so bad that I couldn't face college any more. I tried again a year later but I was so filled with contempt for education (for many reasons) that I just left. I had no friends there either. I never went into the refectory once in about four years, and went home instead. As for relationships, I'm nearly 30 and have never had one due to avoidance issues, dismal personality and extreme dislike of physical contact (if I really wanted any 'action' I believe I could have got some by now).

The good thing is that you've learned about AvPD at a relatively early age. And like a lot of illnesses, the earlier it's dealt with the better the prognosis. Maybe you should see your college counsellor (or whatever they're called these days) or local doctor. Oh, and 'throwing yourself into the deep end' isn't a good idea. I've been there and done that. It's like putting an arachnophobe in a roomful of spiders and telling them 'to get on with it and be normal'.

Darf,

Echoing what the previous two posts said: it really IS a good thing you learned about AvPD early on. There is not one thing that will change you overnight, but if you begin working on it now, you can learn about and change some of the thinking patterns that lead you to be avoidant.

I don't know how helpful this is, but my approach to dealing with being avoidant is 1. to accept it and not feel like I'm abnormal because of it 2. respecting the needs and limitations I have because of it (meaning if I don't want to go out, I tell myself it's okay to say 'no' and not feel bad about it) and 3. learn skills and techniques to navigate through the world to mitigate the effects of avoidancy when I HAVE to go out or interact with people.

Professional help is the first obvious resource to start with.
Aside from that, reading, asking questions here and just generally learning as much as you can about avoidancy is one of the most helpful things there is (especially since many docs are not all that familiar with it - you may have to edicate them!). If you're not ready for professional help, doing your own research will at least help you to understand what is going on better with yourself and where your feeling smay stem from. If nothing else - look how many people are on this forum and imagine how many more there are out there suffering not even knowing there is a name for what is wrong with them!!!

I'm sure I've recommended this before elsewhere, but the book "The Introvert Advantage" is great for understanding what I believe to be a lot of avoidant characteristics. It also helps explain how extroverts (i.e. the majority of people) view the world. It's very enlightening and you might be surprised to see a lot of yourself in there.

For me, it's come down to finding a balance. I limit myself in some ways, in order to be able to cope better in others. Does anyone else find this an effective strategy?

I agree with Adna, Darf. You are only 17 and have discovered AvPD. I envy you. If I found the problem early on, I probably would have done something about it. Now i'm 22. Still young, yes, but i've graduated high school. I've graduated 3 years of college. I have moved to a new city and started my employment. But when I reflect on my life thus far, I feel as if it was a complete waste. I was never very smart in school, I have always been friends with the same clique, i've always been reserved (I like that word better then quiet, shy or timid), i've never had a girlfriend (even though I don't consider myself unattractive). Hell, i've been in Toronto since September and haven't met anyone new. Maybe if I had been aware of my problems earlier I might have been able to face them. But now I feel useless.

I also envy you Adna. I don't know how you are able to accept AvPD as part of your life. I hate it. Its a ######6 curse. I just can't do it. Acceptance of AvPD, to me, is the acceptance of a life of limits. I don't want to hold myself back. The desire to be more then I am is always there but I just don't know how. I guess I am riding hope a little too much. Hope is the only thing keeping me from becoming a $#%^ and piss factory.

*sigh* I need help.

i'm nearly 20 and i've just finished my first year of uni. i found it much easier than high school in terms of there being less pressure to be in a group. i always felt uncomfortable sitting by myself there, but it isnt an issue now. it's crap having to feel bad when you're by yourself but then feeling bad when you're in a group as well.

i would suggest working on maintaining a few decent friendships- people u can be yourself around. it's easy to lose touch when u arent seeing people everyday, but it's a whole lot easier than making new friends.

another thing i've found useful, which might not be an issue for you, is working on, i guess, developing my identity- which i sort of lost from age 12 til age 18. just by figuring out what i do and dont like, watching good movies, reading good books, downloading and listening to a whole lot of music, and getting opinions on things...

also try not to stress about the going to parties thing. if u want to go then go, otherwise dont. if u do go to a party i find it useful to have a plan so i can leave if i want and also to just go outside for a while if i find myself just sitting in a corner feeling like $#%^. there might be certain parts of situations that u find better than others, eg i tend to hate events but like it when everyone is relaxed and leaving and cleaning up etc.

i dont see why everyone should like parties- i'm best in a group of 2 to 4 people not 50, 100, 200 people. less social events like movies can be good, or situations which are not specifically social. eg volunteer work where u can talk if u want but you're working on something. especially crappy work- just so u can moan.

anyway i dont know if any of this is useful at all....?

Seriously, you've all been very useful, and I really do appreciate the replies. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one in the situation.

I actually told two close friends about this, and they were very understanding. This thread and having the conversation with them were very helpful. I am glad to have found out about AvPD at this age, but I'm not ready to accept it. I want to try and fight it where I can. I've accepted that I'll never be many things, but I don't want to grow up alone. Maybe that's inevitable, but I want to fight first.

Thanks for the courage and the support!

Seek help within the next five minutes. Echoing everyone else, you are extremely lucky to know what AvPD is and you seem to be more self-aware than most 17-year-olds. My avoidance started at the age of 13 when I went to a posh private school in which I was the only minority in my entire class. After months of harassment, I eventually stopped attending classes and I would spend all day in the woods behind the school. Unfortunately, my parents sent me to a psychiatrist who's kids also went to the same school and he diagnosed me with paranoia. If circumstances had been different, this problem could have been dealt with in its infancy before it grew into the vicious dragon that it is today. You're lucky - Take advantage of your luck and do something about it-