AVPD/SPD/Schizotypals and compulsory military service.

I have previously posted this on another forum but I wanted to hear more input so this being a rather nice and reliable community in my eyes, I thought maybe someone could help me and point out the right direction to me because ... i am lost. Do take note that because I am just copying and pasting, some of the things I said here might be similar to what I wrote in my very first thread, which you may or may not have seen I can't really do anything about that. Here goes,


I seriously don't know how much more I can take. I live in a country that requires me to give up a year of my life to the military and it's only been a month so far.

You see, I haven't been officially diagnosed with AVPD because I am scared and poor, but my avoidant personality is causing me so much worry and stress in the service. Being avoidant in the service is pure torture, I am always by myself, I eat meals by myself while others talk, joke around and I never want to talk to anyone for obvious reasons. I hate people, I hate the urgent life and I hate how everything is about "all for one one for all" and "working as a team", two of the things that stress me to the edge and I desperately avoid like the plague.

Quitting halfway has almost become part of my life. I dropped out of school twice and quit many courses and part time jobs for the sole reason that I am too lonely and not having the "team spirit". There are just too many times and even now in the service, that I would be the only one left out whenever my colleagues make plans to go out together on the weekends or eat meals together, it's like I am invisible. I never really knew what "socializing" was about, because for most of my life, I have always been the "quiet and lonely one". I wish I could quit the service right now but I think I am destined to suffer for the next year.

I am tired, really tired. I feel like shouting and jumping off a building but have no guts to do it, and the cycle of stress/fear/worry in the day and sleeping first thing in the night to numb and forget about the day is slowly taking it's toll on me. I thought of getting myself checked but I am too afraid to be judged by people who don't even want to try and understand my problems, and my parents are always talking about how they look forward to the day I discharge from the service with honor and glory and I don't feel like disappointing them, especially after so many failed stints be it school, courses or whatsoever even though I am not too close with them. However, I know I am not okay. "Suck it up", "Man Up", I've heard of these too many times and had I not been sucking it up, I wouldn't even last a month but right now, I just want to fade away into a secluded place, a place where I can live like a hermit with no one disturbing me, talking to me, making unnecessary noises and I don't have to put up with crap that people spew out. It's just me, myself and I and I reckon I couldn't be any happier. I fantasize about this "dream" life of mine all the time and I was initially enthusiastic about it but right now, the path ahead is so dark, so muddy and so hopeless. You may think I am being overly dramatic, up to you. Help, anyone?

is there any way you can get out of the military before your year is up?

I've been in compulsory military service (six months).
It gets easier. It will be horrifying anyway.

I remember when doctor said that I'm horribly depressed and I would be free to go after evaluation (and had other medical conditions) but I survived.

Where do you live? It certainly depends on country how manageable it really is. I feel sorry for Russians. I've seen video clips from their service and it is literally torture.

gunpowdertea wrote:is there any way you can get out of the military before your year is up?

There are cases like that, but it's usually only for the very severe things like schizophrenia, psychosis or disabling of certain body parts.

Redcore wrote:

gunpowdertea wrote:is there any way you can get out of the military before your year is up?

There are cases like that, but it's usually only for the very severe things like schizophrenia, psychosis or disabling of certain body parts.

well i guess if you don't really have a choice you just need to get through it as best you can.

mr avoidant is right. it will get easier over time...maybe if you can find a refuge for yourself (somewhere quiet to read a book or two, or just relax with yourself) it will give you some time to 'recharge' from being in the company of others, and make the experience easier for you

gunpowdertea wrote:

Redcore wrote:

gunpowdertea wrote:is there any way you can get out of the military before your year is up?

There are cases like that, but it's usually only for the very severe things like schizophrenia, psychosis or disabling of certain body parts.

well i guess if you don't really have a choice you just need to get through it as best you can.

mr avoidant is right. it will get easier over time...maybe if you can find a refuge for yourself (somewhere quiet to read a book or two, or just relax with yourself) it will give you some time to 'recharge' from being in the company of others, and make the experience easier for you

I am trying my very best, trust me I hate being called a quitter, a whiner or anything like that before I put up a decent fight but it's not so easy when almost every single little thing like drills, marching, people shouting and singing pushes me towards the edge a little. It's bad enough they emphasize "Team, Team, TEAM!" and working with large groups of people and authority figures 24/7 5 days per week, which to us avoidants, is as good as being in the lowest level of hell. It might sound a tad pessimistic and morbid but at this rate I am going, 2012 will indeed be the end of the world for me. I have even considered joining a cult or breaking the law and going to jail, at least that way, I can be cooped up in my own area and be alone more often rather than having to put up with the intense stress of needing to deal with all these bs and what not ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME.

That's not to say that I am totally disregarding the advices given here though, but I don't know how it would get any easier. I am already treated as invisible by my own platoon mates who calls each other "brothers" and it's only going to get worse if I say I am going to try and get help for a disorder they can't and won't bother to understand. I'd instantly be accused of faking it and be despised even more. There's practically no quiet time around me, if it's not the higher ups shouting their lungs out at us for not conforming, to sing motivational songs and "encourage each other" during training time, it's my own platoon mates who just can't stfu, they somehow have this thinking that they must always create "life" in the barracks and that quiet is bad. The way I deal with this is like I have said earlier, I cover myself up with the blanket and try to "sleep" my way through the ordeal and the cycle just repeats itself with varying intensity depending on what is on the schedule for the day. I can't read books because I have difficulty remembering and concentrating on it.

I remember being just out of school and thinking what a horror being in the military would be. The US had long been away from the draft, but sometimes talk of bringing it back would come up. I wondered why people didn't just claim to be gay. Until recently you couldn't be gay in the military.

Maybe you could shoot yourself in the foot? Be warned that this will probably cause you a lifetime of pain - it may never heal properly. I know because I have had a couple of foot surgeries and I am still in pain years later.

How about becoming a drug addict or something? Won't they kick you out for that?

gunpowdertea wrote:mr avoidant is right. it will get easier over time...maybe if you can find a refuge for yourself (somewhere quiet to read a book or two, or just relax with yourself) it will give you some time to 'recharge' from being in the company of others, and make the experience easier for you

I'm afraid that is not the case for everyone. In most people desensitization works, but if it does not things can spiral out of control.