Is my avoidant disorder making me picky?

First off, I am new here and what a relief to find you all; to find a name for what I have been going through my entire life is just.... I can't believe it!!

Ok, so, I am over 30 and have had only 1 serious relationship in my whole life. If I am not living a fantasy life in my head, I am alone. I have very few close friends who aren't even all that close. I have my family members and that's it! Fridays and Saturdays are spent alone unless Im with someone Im comfortable with, which is hardly noone! I knew my fear of other people wasn't just shyness! People, from the outside, see me and think I am just shy. They have no idea the inner turmoil I go through.

Anyway, my question is why am I never ever attracted to any guys I meet? I know I am not into women either, I'm into men or few men. It's like, if they arent physically perfect, Im not into them. I am by no means perfect at all! So please dont take what I said the wrong way. I'm not being shallow, even though it sounds like I am. The only people I am really attracted to are celebrities, men that wouldn't want me, or gay men. In other words, unattainable men! The men that do like me, I feel nothing for; there is absolute zero spark, nada! Plus, I am so anxiety ridden and awkward when talking to them, why would they want me? I must come off as such an oddball.

Am I really picky, or is it just an excuse not to get involved? God I hate being alone

It could be you sabotaging yourself as a way to keep men away, but I also think since we fantasize a lot we have unrealistically high standards. I know that for me, if the person doesn't live up to what I imagine I want them to be in my head, I get disappointed and don't really want to take it further.

That's my problem. I create this standard in my head, this ideal, that's impossible to get. Usually if I do find that ideal, I'll mke excuses. "Sure, he's intelligent, handsome and is in a good point in his life, but he's too rigid and not funny enough!" Always some lame excuse.

I'd say your response is spot on. Who cares what he looks like or what kind of car he drives - it's how he makes you feel that's important.

I think it's great you're choosy. I think I'm not worthy of a relationship, so even if someone actually bangs me over the head to say they like me, I turn them down so they don't have the misfortune of having to deal with me.

Yearn2connect,

I can totally relate to your feelings. Im not avoidant myself but am in love with someone I believe is. Im emotionally outgoing myself but have always been picky with men to the point where my friends call me a prude. Im 30 now and have only really had 2 guys that Ive truly cared about or been attracted to enough to sleep with them. Ive had men ive met that i'd say fancied, but thats it. I went through a period from about 18-23 where I only fancied celebrities. Ive now put that down to being a defence mechanism for an extreme hurt that was caused by a guy when i was 17. I used to fantasise about the celebrities to the point where my friends would think it was weird and id collect all their movies and magazine clippings etc! I feel it was a way of me practicing my coping skills in a safe relationship sense. Id practice conversations id have with them and fanatsise about a relationship etc. I dont do that anymore and all the men ive been attracted to since then have been in real life, but only the two since then.

Other men i see about, or celebrities I find attractive or good looking but it doesnt mean i fancy them. Ive always envied my friends who will just find someone attractive, ask them out on a date and before you know it they're dating! That just doesnt happen for me. I feel myself id actually have to be in love with someone or crazy about them before id go out on a date. I wouldnt like the awkwardness and effort of having to spend time with someone i wasnt necessarily interested in either.

I truly believe myself its a confidence thing. I have low self esteem and also tend to go for older men. im not sure whether thats a subconscious thing, perhaps chosing relationships that would never work out to protect myself from hurt further down the line. i also tend to go for people who need looking after, in my eyes. I think again thats a confidence thing. Maybe the desire to be needed unconditionally.....needless to say thats not what im ever going to get with the current one, or he'd never show it at least.

Do you think that if you were more confident perhaps in your appearance or your conversational skills etc you'd find it easier to be attracted to someone or let down the barriers?

I truly believe myself that everyone has different needs, we're all screwed up in some way or another. some people have to sleep around, some date easily, others dont or not at all.

Think you have to see life as being a path to discovering who you are and accepting and seeing what your needs are. Theres a mainstream of people, just like there is with everything like music, fashion sense etc. just because u may not fit what seems the norm to most, doesnt mean its wrong. u may find it harder to be attracted to people but if thats the case you may learn more about yourself and what ur needs are by surviving on your own without a relationship. once you know what those are u might be in a position to put youself into situations where you can meet the right person. eg certain hobbies might attract people with similar moral values and views to yourself etc. sometimes attraction springs up in the most unlikely places too, but you have to find situations to allow it. ur not going to meet the love of the life in a bar....or if you do, let me know which one and i'll be visiting there too!!

And this is why it is so hard for guys.

No harsh feelings but the number of guys on here who wish they could have just one relationship is probably huge. Unfortunately they are not celebrities or lack some confidence so they get totally ignored by so many girls.

Yearn2connect wrote: The only people I am really attracted to are celebrities, men that wouldn't want me, or gay men.

Have you met celebrities and gay men and been attracted to them? Or are you sayig you are attracted to celebrities in their movies? There is a difference. With make-up and prosthetics they can make a pig look like a hottie. Ever see The Libertine with Johnny Depp? I bet that scene at the end where his teeth are a mess and he doesn't have a nose is just him without make-up.

Not sure I get the gay men deal. Is there anything specific about gay men that attracts you?

I'm ridiculously picky too. If I'm going to wade through the $#%^ that is relationships or dating, she'd better be really worth it. This mentality prevents me from even trying though, as my standards are too high for 95% of women. And of course those top 5% would in no way want me anyways.

In my case at least, I think it is just my personality. I have always wanted the best. I refuse to date within my league. It just isn't worth it to me.

People are picky even without avoidant disorder.

I myself am not attracted to anyone unless they have something about them abnormal, they read books, or are an artist, or something that she does besides just be a common woman. I am not particular about physical perfection. in fact I am attracted to deformities. Like I knew a girl whose hands were deformed, the middle fingers and small fingers on both hands were too short, and her head was strangely shaped. I could easily have dated that woman. In fact I did try to pick up on that woman. I was also attracted for a while to a woman with multiple sclerosis, who walked funny with bent knees, but was otherwise attractive in her face. Another one I liked was a tall Japanese woman with a highly arched hooked nose and small jaw. She had a lanky walk and I found her intriguing.

Women I find highly offensive are rural women, who are too manly, who may carry guns or drive trucks, and have piggish faces.

Yearn2connect wrote:It's like, if they arent physically perfect, Im not into them. I am by no means perfect at all! So please dont take what I said the wrong way. I'm not being shallow, even though it sounds like I am. The only people I am really attracted to are celebrities, men that wouldn't want me, or gay men. In other words, unattainable men! The men that do like me, I feel nothing for; there is absolute zero spark, nada! Plus, I am so anxiety ridden and awkward when talking to them, why would they want me? I must come off as such an oddball.

I'm the same and I'm positive it's connected to my AvPD, as soon as I find out a guy is heterosexual his attractiveness level drops extensively. I'm also way more attracted to fictional men than I am real men. I think it's because I feel safe knowing that being with them isn't even a possibility and thus I wouldn't have to deal with all my emotional problems and social ineptitude. Plus, I view myself as hideous so what's the point in dealing with all the pain attempting a relationship would cause? I'm so mentally fragile that I don't know if I could recover if somebody were to point out one of my physical flaws (hence why I've locked myself in my room for years). I don't have enough experience with men in real life to give any info on how I react to ones that are attracted to me. I'm sure I'd come off as a cold b**** or complete kook. The only experience I have with men is from the internet (I know, the worst place possible), I've noticed that I can get along with guys quite well until they start flirting with me or comment on the way I look. My view of them drops instantly and I try to get away as fast as possible. I used to think I was just asexual but now I think it could be my disorder... Also, there is only one person outside of my family that I've ever really connected to and not gotten bored of eventually, so, what's the point? I am not usually that bothered by the idea of being single forever anyway but occasionally it does depress me. In the end though, I know I'd rather be alone then settle for somebody I didn't really like just to fill some stupid standard society has set for us all.