Need advice on how to deal with my avoidant boyfriend

Hi everyone,

I am new to this message board and am SO GLAD I found it. In reading Adna's reply to Patsra's concerns about her friend with AvPD I desperately need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for five years. When I first met him we had a wonderful close relationship. We lived together when we were both in law school. I graduated 2 years ago and he just graduated last month and is studying for the Bar Exam. We had sexual intimacy and he has opened up to me about his cold, rejecting father and how he feels that he has no self worth, no self-esteem and has few friends. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, adn I don't doubt that he truly loves me. By his actions he has shown me throughout 4 years that he loves me.

However, about two years ago he began going for days and weeks at a time without answering my calls. One time he went for 5 months doing this. I would leave voice mails crying, begging and pleading him to call me back and STILL would get no response. Also, another AvPD trait he has exhibited is that he's very private and secretive and tells white lies or "omits details" just so that he doesn't have to face my criticism or rejection. His avoidance is a vicious cycle where he goes days sleeping at my house and everything seems perfectly fine with him. No signs of any distress. Then, OUT OF NOWHERE he just won't call or see me or answer his phone for days !

I know why he does this and have read enough about AvPD to understand this behavior. Everything I've read says avoidants only open up to those who they feel "safe" with and the literature emphasizes that friends and partners need to show unconditional love, no criticism and support. The problem is that during the first two years of our relationship, I didn't understand why he would not answer his phone or avoid sending out resumes to find a job after law school. So, I WAS critical and judgmental of him. I was very direct and told him I loved him to death, but needed stability in my life and could not trust him if he told me white lies and didn't reveal his "true" self to me.

Ok...fast forward two years. After living with his withdrawal periods and doing a lot of self-learning and analysis, I changed. I ralized that no matter who I am with, I simply cannot be so demanding and critical of my partners. Don't get me wrong, I have always been nurturing and supportive to an extent, but always would tell my boyfriend that he wasn't doing something the "right" way or that I didn't approve of some things he did.

Ok, now that you know my history of being somewhat demanding, now I need your advice. I am at a point now where, after reading about AvPD and learning about MYSELF, I feel like I am a new person and want to show boyfriend that I understand him and love him unconditionally. I feel like since we had a long distance relationship for two years while he was still in law school, I have never been able to spend enough time with him to SHOW him through my actions that I accept him unconditionally and want him to feel "safe" with me. In essence, I haven't gotten the opportunity to try to "reverse" the way he feels around me because he's viewing me as judgmental based on my past behavior. He says sometimes the way I talk reminds him of his critical father. Can I EVER reverse the way he feels around me ?


He has told me that "needs to learn to love himself before he can be with me and give what he wants to give me." He says he wants to be financially independent so he can give me what I need. He also has told me that he wants to open up to me but on his own terms and "when he is ready." I took this as good sign because at least he admits that he has been hiding his true self from me and wants to be close to me and show me his real self.

The thing is that he keeps on engaging in these cycles of withdrawal. At first his withdrawal baffled me because it seemed so sudden and without explanation. But soon I came to realize that he is avoiding ME because he feels pressure (partly due to my previous criticism and partly self-created pressure) to "be a certain person" for me. He feels he may fall short of these expectations and that I will be judgmental of him. Avoidants avoid any situation where they feel they will be judged or criticized. He avoids me because he feels I won't accept him as he is if he shows me his true self. The problem is, how can I even begin to show him that I love him unconditionally and accept him if he withdraws from me and does not feel that I am a "safe," accepting person who he can open up to ? Withdrawal KILLS communication and prevents intimacy from developing.

Every time he withdraws and doesn't answer my phone calls for days I cannot help but get extremely angry at him. It's like he doesn't realize what pain this causes me. Some times I think he just doesn't miss me that much or feel the emotion of loss or separation the way I do. Although he's told me wants closeness, his behavior tells me he doesn't care if he never has closeness.

I told him I have come to not depend on him for anything because there is no stability in his behavior. How can trust him to be the father of my children if he is going to withdraw unexpectedly for days ? It scares me to depend on him because his behavior is not stable. Because I am his partner (and not just a close friend), I need to be able to depend on him. I told him I can deal with his depression or anything that he may be feeling, but I need him to communicate with me so that I know when something is bothering him. I need closeness.

The worst part about AvPD and the reason that people with AvPD lose partners who are actually very devoted to them, is because a basic preqrequisite in any intimate, romantic relationship is trust and closeness. He has told me he desires closeness (and I don't doubt that), but I don't know if I'll ever be able to achieve any closeness with him.

I can be accepting of his tendency to avoid as a defense mechanism, but as a partner, I cannot help but get angry and hurt when he disappears for days. He says he feels extreme guilt and shame when he does this and knows it hurts me but he can't help it. Will he ever be able to at least call me consistently ? When he withdraws for days I am left utterly alone and feel like I have no boyfriend or any partner that I can rely on.

Except for not being honest about some things and disappearing for days without notice, my boyfriend is loving and supportive. We have similar interests and thoroughly enjoy our time with one another. Both of us feel like we are "the one" for each other. We are deeply in love. If I did not love him so much I would have moved on to a more dependable partner a long time ago and would not have put up with months of not talking to him because he disappeared for months.

Because I love him so much I am finding it hard to walk away from this relationship. The extreme fashion in which he will not answer his phone NO MATTER WHAT is very scary. Even when my grandmother died and I left him a voice mail, he did not call me. What does it take to MAKE him call me ? NOTHING WORKS.

The only thing that is keeping me from ending this relationship is how much I love him and the fact that I've read that people with AvPD actually desire closeness; they just run from it as a defensive mechanism.

Is that how you feel ? Do you actually WANT closeness or are you fine not having closeness with a partner ?

Whenever he disappears for days I leave him endless voice mails telling him how much I love him and accept him. I call him off the hook desperately hoping he'll answer. The only way I know how to show him my unconditional love is by keeping repeating that I'm not giving up on him and love him no matter what. But, is my intensity in calling him so much and telling him I love him actually driving him to withdraw even more ? Does my calling him so many times actuallly create more pressure in his mind that he is letting me down BECAUSE I love him so much and he is letting me down by not calling ?

The problem is, he is so inconsistent in how he spends some days with me and then withdraws or just doesn't call me to "touch base" and tell me where he is or what his plans are. After not talking to me for days he says he "lost track of time" or "his cell phone died" or some excuse.

What is the best thing to do when he withdraws ? Leaving him alone and not calling him ? I fear doing this because I've done it before and it got us nowhere. If I don't call he might feel that I don't love him unconditionally, so I always feel the need to keep repreating that I love him for who he is no matter what.

Do you think my boyfriend would be better off with another avoidant person who does not want closeness and therefore won't care as much when he withdraws ? Would another avoidant person be a better match for him ?

Do you think that he will always view me as a critical person who he simply can't open up to no matter what I do, so I should just end this ? Or, do you think I should try showing him, through patience and unconditional love, that I accept him to see if he will eventually view me as a "safe" person who he doesn't need to avoid ?

After a person has criticized you, can you EVER view them as "safe" even if they change and have shown you throughout the years that they really love you ? Will he ALWAYS avoid me because he'll always view me as critical ? If so, then maybe I should just give up.

If you or anyone could provide any insight to these questions you would be helping me tremendously in understanding my boyfriend and making an important decision.

Hi there

I have read your long posting and my heart aches for you. What I am going to tell you is no doubt not what you want to hear, but here it is for what it is worth.

In my opinion you need to move on and find a partner who is a whole person and who can love and support you as you need to be. What you need to understand is that your boyfriend is not a whole person and he is not and never will be able to give you the love and support that a person needs to have in a life partner.

If you stay with him, you will be in for a life time of misery. According to the literature, people with AvPD make cold partners and parents. If you continue to persue this relationship you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of your needs coming last, of rejection, of emotional abuse, of failure to commit, of failure to love you fully and completely.

What does it tell you that a person can go five months ignoring your calls, of hearing you cry and weep and having no empathy for your emotional pain?

You have to remember that people with PD's have great difficulty empathizing with others and are inadequate when it comes to understanding their own emotional needs, let alone anyone else's.

Read this board. People with AVvPD find other people's needs to be irritating and a nuisance. They are caught up with their own needs and seemingly have no feelings for the needs of other people. They say they have no friends, but have little interest in being a friend. They want friends there when they want them, but when the friends want anything, they shut themselves away telling themselves the friends are now intrusive and a burden.

Your boyfriend does this same thing to you. He stays at your place for days and all seems well, then without a word of explanation, he vanishes with no word or reason, and refuses to answer or return your calls. This my dear, is emotional abuse. I am worried you are starting to feel you need this abusive relationship.

I know that you feel sad for this man, for the abuse he has had in his childhood and all the negative thoughts he has. I am sure you think that if you love him enough, you can heal him and he can be a complete person - not true I'm afraid.

When it comes to AvPD, love is not enough.

People with AvPD leave a trail of broken hearted, bewildered people behind them. I suggest that you get a therapist to help you to recover from your relationship with this man, and move on.

My friend is no exception - he has hurt a whole lot of women. He has never had sex because he is not prepared to give of himself sexually. He plays games with women - he needs his ego stroked by making them fall for him, then when they develop feelings for them, he runs a mile and severs all contact with them. He does not even return their calls. The fact he hurts them is irrelevant to him. Almost as soon as he has broken one heart, he starts on another.

When I have discussed this with him, he says there is something wrong with them. he says if they can love him, they must have a problem. When I tell him there is nothing wrong with them, he refuses to discuss the matter anymore.

He and I have been close friends for years now and I am very fond of him as a friend, but I would not wish loving him on my worst enemy. I can count at least five women he has really hurt since I have known him, and there are probably more. Like many people with AvPD he has his secretive side, so I suspect there are more that I do not know of. He has his good points but when it comes to relationships, he is cruel. And I have told him this.

My advice you is to get help and support to move on. This relationship is abusive. Loving this man will bring you nothing but pain.

Best wishes to you

Thanks for your reply. I know that when it comes to AvPD, love is not enough because people with AvPD who have not at least sought treatment or worked on themselves cannot accept love because you are right...THEY are not whole people because they cannot love themselves. Therefore, their ability to see unconditional love is clouded.

I just wanted to clarify some things. I didn't elaborate AT ALL in my post the good things about boyfriend. I just put in the things that were affecting me, which I needed feedback on. Unlike your friend, he has not had a string of relationships. He had one relationship before me. When he met me 6 years ago he was deeply in love with me. In the last five years he has stuck with me through law school and a lot of other things. He has NEVER been cruel or hostile to me at all. We lived together in law school and he has always been nothing but sweet, caring, supportive, respectful and loving. He cooks for me when he sees I am stressed after work, he got through the time when I was studying for the Bar Exam by driving up to where I was and spending 3 weeks cooking for me, caring for me. He drove to the two-day exam and was absolutely loving and consistently there for me despite my terrible, stressed out attitude and snappishness. In fact, up until his avoidant periods got worse about one year ago (so, for 3 years I would say that I was the critical, demanding and yes...a little selfish partner in the relationship. He was the listener, the patient one, the one who brought me water to my bed every night, took care of me and who my family would warn me that I had to be a little more loving and patient with him. It is not until last year that his periods of not calling me have grown long and come without warning.

Based on all the feedback I've gotten from people with AvPD, they all say the same thing...they push people away because they don't think they are good enough for the other person. Unlike many AvPDs who have never had real relationships for a prolonged period of time with sexual intimacy, my boyfriend and I have always had consistent sexual intimacy. So, I wanted to paint for you the picture of how wonderful he is.

I have noticed that his withdrawals are always triggered by a critical comment I have made OR a big stress like taking the Bar Exam (which he is taking now). He is also avoiding his friends now that he is studying too.

So, what keeps my from totally giving up before he has at least started therapy is how wonderful he is when we are together. He makes a better partner then so many men I have seen out there and who my friends are married to. HOWEVER, I DO KNOW THAT THE FACT HE IS NOT A WHOLE PERSON may force me to just move on because I cannot overlook the fact that this lack of self-love may cloud his judgment and cause him to be avoidant forever.

I am afraid of his stability in our relationship and in life in general (such as with employment, etc...) He is not emotionally abusive to me at al, however. He just feels tremendous anxiety and withdraws because of it. I know that his withdrawal is still not fair to me (no matter what the reason for it is) and I will have to break up with him if I see there is NO improvement in therapy.

It's just that if I don't wait a little while, learn all I can and then see if his behavior changes any, I will always look back and keep wondering whether, had I waited a little and seen what happened after he became a lawyer (which will be a big boost for his self-confidence...when he passes the Bar Exam) then I will always look back. He is the love of my life I feel and this is a growing process for me too...you see, I have been loving but I have also been demanding, critical and downright harsh with him for a long time. I need to have a little time to be accepting, patient and loving and THEN, I will be able to walk away feeling like although I did everything I could, he will just never be a whole person and I canot handle this.

Thanks for your words, though. Even if it's not what I want to hear, I know that leaving him is a reality I might soon have to face. I am just not ready yet until I feel there's absolutely nothing that can be done that will change his behavior. We've been apart the last year and I haven't gotten any real time with him to show him that I have grown a lot and am not the critical, demanding person he knew me as.

I wish you every good luck. I am sure he is a nice person in his way - my friend is too. But relationship material he is not (my friend that is).

In continuing to plod on with your boyfriend, please remember that a relationship is a partnership between people in which both parties have responsibilities.

You seem to take a lot of responsibility for his behavior... ie: "I make a critical remark so he withdraws". Ultimately of course, he must be able to take responsibility for his own choices and behavior. Everything is NOT your fault.

It seems to me that you make an awful lots of compromises to justify his behavior. He is cold and rejecting of you at least some of the time and that has got to hurt.

Please find a way of nurturing and caring for yourself whilst you remain in this relationship ...

good luck

Patsra wrote:In my opinion you need to move on and find a partner who is a whole person and who can love and support you as you need to be. What you need to understand is that your boyfriend is not a whole person and he is not and never will be able to give you the love and support that a person needs to have in a life partner.
...
What does it tell you that a person can go five months ignoring your calls, of hearing you cry and weep and having no empathy for your emotional pain?
...
Your boyfriend does this same thing to you. He stays at your place for days and all seems well, then without a word of explanation, he vanishes with no word or reason, and refuses to answer or return your calls. This my dear, is emotional abuse. I am worried you are starting to feel you need this abusive relationship.

All this sounds like very good advice.

THIS, however:

Patsra wrote:Read this board. People with AVvPD find other people's needs to be irritating and a nuisance. They are caught up with their own needs and seemingly have no feelings for the needs of other people. They say they have no friends, but have little interest in being a friend. They want friends there when they want them, but when the friends want anything, they shut themselves away telling themselves the friends are now intrusive and a burden.

...that's just wrong. Perhaps you are confusing AvPD with antisocial personality disorder. We have consciences. How dare you say otherwise? Just because you have one friend who uses his diagnosis as an excuse to be an utter jerk does not mean the same is true for all of us.

I'm much more willing to hear my boyfriend's problems, comfort him, and make things better for him than to tell him my problems. What does that tell you? That I'm a selfish, uncaring person?

Seriously, you need to read this board. People with AvPd avoid other people and avoid situations which most people do not have a problem with.

That is not to say that people with AvPD do not have a conscience - I did NOT say that. But the expectations of friendship are represented by many posters here as a burden, and are experienced as intrusive. You may not like to hear it but it is true.

You ask me the question what does it tell me about you? What it tells me is that maybe you are not fully AvPD. Maybe you are just a bit shy or whatever.

I read this and had to make a reply, I avoid talking to most people at all costs ( except for my hunny and my 3 kids ) because I am afraid they will critisize what I have to say, I am afraid they will laugh at me for having an opinion or caring or butting my nose in. I hardly talk to any of my family and it really hurts me and I feel bad and they have no idea why I am like that, but it works because they don't really mind it seems. I often worry about peoples problems much more than my own and really want to help them to get by and to feel better. I will stay awake nights feeling the pain of every abused mistreated child I ever heard about, I am avoidant , not a cold snake, I just come off as cold because I can't make myself speak up. It shouldn't be suprising that a bunch of people who tend to avoid things socially might find it hard to give advice, or hard to be heartwarming when they feel the need to run away from anything that makes them open up.

There are different kinds of avies. I don't think that every avie is incapable of having very few close intimate friends.

Yes, when I start my extreme introversion I'm usually full of guilt. Is it based on my imagination and perfectionism rather than the reality? Yes! I tend to think that I'm going to ruin others time so I need to take step back and let others live their better life. It can be other way around as well somewhat. I think in MBTI theory there are such concepts as extroverted feeling and introverted feeling. As an INFJ I'm extroverting that part (see above) in a very unhealthy way by going recluse. I'm not saying it's a better to be an avie.

SillyAli18 wrote:However, about two years ago he began going for days and weeks at a time without answering my calls. One time he went for 5 months doing this. I would leave voice mails crying, begging and pleading him to call me back and STILL would get no response. Also, another AvPD trait he has exhibited is that he's very private and secretive and tells white lies or "omits details" just so that he doesn't have to face my criticism or rejection. His avoidance is a vicious cycle where he goes days sleeping at my house and everything seems perfectly fine with him. No signs of any distress. Then, OUT OF NOWHERE he just won't call or see me or answer his phone for days !

I would constantly look at my celphone, realize that I have missed calls and unread messages. I won't read them or ever call back... even though I know I have to sometimes. I feel guilty about doing it but I do it because it causes me a lot of distress. I am terrified of my phone. I would too say things like "I left my phone in my room", "I'm sorry I feel asleep", "I didn't read your message until now" "I was doing this and that"... There are moments in which I decide to interact with people and go out or message them back but then I have moments I completely shut-in and ignore the world because it causes me a lot of stress. I feel like if I ignore my phone, then those messages and phone calls don't exist so I don't have to worry about them even though that's a lie.

SillyAli18 wrote:He has told me that "needs to learn to love himself before he can be with me and give what he wants to give me." He says he wants to be financially independent so he can give me what I need. He also has told me that he wants to open up to me but on his own terms and "when he is ready." I took this as good sign because at least he admits that he has been hiding his true self from me and wants to be close to me and show me his real self.

I feel the same way, I don't want to have a boyfriend right now because I know I feel too insecure about myself that even if I am with someone I like I will feel miserable. I feel like I am not good enough and think about all my flaws and how there are so many people that is better than me. I start thinking that I will be abandoned. I have set goals to myself and I am trying to find a way to accept me and love me or else I would never understand why would anyone would it.

With my first real boyfriend... I loved him a lot. However, during the entire relationship I never trusted him... I never felt like he loved me for who I was, so I never opened up with him or told him exactly how important he was to me. He would kiss me and hold my hand and spend sometime with me and I would let him because as my dear boyfriend he had privileges that no one else had. He even told me once that he loved me and I didn't believe in him... I couldn't tell him that I loved him back because I was scared. I never called him or texted him... I tried writing to him on messenger once and the experience was so awful that after that one time, even if I saw him online I wouldn't talk to him. I never approached him first, or talked to him first or anything.... first... because I was insecure and scared. During the entire relationship I was happy being with him and miserable because even though he was the one that asked me to be his girlfriend I though my feelings were one-sided.

I never revealed to him my true-self because I wasn't willing to be exposed just so I would be criticized, abandoned and hurt.

SillyAli18 wrote:The worst part about AvPD and the reason that people with AvPD lose partners who are actually very devoted to them, is because a basic preqrequisite in any intimate, romantic relationship is trust and closeness. He has told me he desires closeness (and I don't doubt that), but I don't know if I'll ever be able to achieve any closeness with him.

It is possible to be close... I have faith in it because my best friend found the way to make me feel secure around her and she made me be myself. I'll tell you that it takes a lot of time to make something like that happen and to be honest, even I am not sure how she did it. Progressively I stopped feeling like I should hide my true self from her because she liked what I really was... It was as if I was exposing my ugly side just to find out that she was delighted by it. She never criticized me, she liked me and cared for me. One key factor was that I trusted in her, I didn't feel like if I exposed myself to her I would be exposed to the world. I felt safe... That is the type of feelings avoidants like me are looking for... a bond of love and trust but it takes a lot of time. I have yet to find a guy that would make me feel like that and it might be only a dream but I truly valued that relationship.

SillyAli18 wrote:Every time he withdraws and doesn't answer my phone calls for days I cannot help but get extremely angry at him. It's like he doesn't realize what pain this causes me. Some times I think he just doesn't miss me that much or feel the emotion of loss or separation the way I do. Although he's told me wants closeness, his behavior tells me he doesn't care if he never has closeness.

He might be aware of it. I do ignore my phone all the time and then I feel extremely guilty and miserable for doing it because I feel bad for the people that wants to communicate with me. Even if I feel miserable after, I still feel scared and stress so that is why I don't pick up the phone...

Is that how you feel ? Do you actually WANT closeness or are you fine not having closeness with a partner ?

In my case... in a relationship Closeness with that other person is the one thing I dream about.

What is the best thing to do when he withdraws ? Leaving him alone and not calling him ? I fear doing this because I've done it before and it got us nowhere. If I don't call he might feel that I don't love him unconditionally, so I always feel the need to keep repreating that I love him for who he is no matter what.

Let him be for a little while... and after a while try writing him. That way he can get over whatever is happening to him and know that if you are calling him is because you are still thinking about him. However; this is just my personal opinion... that kind of works with me.

Do you think my boyfriend would be better off with another avoidant person who does not want closeness and therefore won't care as much when he withdraws ? Would another avoidant person be a better match for him ?

Nope. I don't think so... Avoidants do want closeness they are just to scared to open up. Two avoidants avoiding each other is not the answer. I believe that we need the exact opposite of what we are.

Do you think that he will always view me as a critical person who he simply can't open up to no matter what I do, so I should just end this ? Or, do you think I should try showing him, through patience and unconditional love, that I accept him to see if he will eventually view me as a "safe" person who he doesn't need to avoid ?

Trying being the safe person. Don't betray his trust and don't pressure him too much.

After a person has criticized you, can you EVER view them as "safe" even if they change and have shown you throughout the years that they really love you ? Will he ALWAYS avoid me because he'll always view me as critical ? If so, then maybe I should just give up.

My first boyfriend once told me that he was feeling annoyed by my shyness, that comment got stuck in my head and I felt he disliked me a lot whenever I was being shy (pretty much all the time, meaning he disliked me all the time?!) that was insane. It wasn't until recently that he told me (after five years) that he did in fact get really mad at me when I did that but there were so many other things about me that he liked that I didn't know about and I wish I had known. Those small things could have made a great change in the way out relationship turned out to be. So, try to be careful and don't make him feel bad and it isn't about you suppressing your feelings but trying to put things in the less harmful way so that he can understand. Remember we are hypersensitive. My best friend too, she finds the sweetest and less harmful ways to tell me what she doesn't like about me and I never feel offended because she says it in a way that I feel like she does it because she cares about me and not because she hates me.



Lastly, I would say that... If you think it is a lot of work being in a relationship with someone like him and that it is draining all your energy then you should consider leaving him. I think it is great that you are trying so hard to be with him, but you cannot change his avoindant self... only he can and believe me it is not something you can get rid of neither soon, easily nor completely.

There is something about you that turns him off and keeps him running away. He escapes, then comes back because he has nowhere better to go to. He may find somewhere better in the future or he may decide that nothingness is better than returning to the life that you'll eventually try to build up around him.

It's probable that you are simply incompatible. At least that's what he's decided. He sticks around for the sex, human contact, and whatever else you offer, but he's not fully with you. If you really want to open up with him you will need to change and get on his level (or perhaps help him change, if you can and he wants to). Maybe he doesn't want kids, or a house, or anything except raw experience. Maybe he wants to murder people. Unless you can somehow convince him that you will never reject or betray him after he opens up, he won't do it, and unless you could accept any of the possibilities I just mentioned, it's unlikely that you will ever be able to build that trust with him.